Hello everyone! I'm new to this forum, and I'm hoping that I'll be able to get some help with my Common App essay. My first application is due October 14th, so I'm hoping to get this done soon. I don't know if I like this essay... It's hard to speak about it objectively. Could I have people's opinions about 1) Whether or not the topic itself is a good topic (is it good enough for highly competitive schools?) and 2) If the topic is doable, what parts of the essay need the most work? Is there anything that needs to be completely changed, added, subtracted, etc? I will greatly appreciate any help. Thank you!
Several months ago, someone at my church approached me and asked if I would drive her handicap son to his physical therapy appointments every Monday. My first thought was that I'd be happy to do it. I didn't know her that well, but I knew that she worked a full time job, her husband had just passed, and she definitely needed some extra help. Before I told her yes, however, thoughts slipped into my mind about the fact that the one thing I value most, time, would have to be sacrificed. Those several hours I spent driving him and waiting on him have to come from somewhere; whether it be less sleep that night, less time I have to read, or anything that makes up my normal Monday afternoon routine. As these thoughts rushed through my head, I became somewhat disgusted by how selfish I was being. It's true that I would have to sacrifice time that could be spent doing something else, but that's such a small sacrifice if it really does help a family already experiencing hardship. So, without further hesitation, I accepted the opportunity to help the family.
This experienced enlightened me and opened my eyes to the realization that even though I had always done things altruistically, I often still faced an inward struggle to be sacrificial in my actions towards others. This, however, is not surprising given that I live in a society where the individual is exalted, and for the vast majority of the population each person is his own top priority. We strive to make ourselves prosperous-to make large sums of money, to live in nice houses, to use our free time solely for our personal leisure-and so often in doing this we neglect our responsibilities to help others. I imagined a world where individuals genuinely cared about the wellbeing of people as a whole rather than the wellbeing of themselves. Of course this is an unattainable and idealistic approach of life; however, I truly believe that society would benefit greatly if people would set aside their individualistic mindsets and adopt mindsets that focus on how they can benefit others rather than benefiting solely themselves. Society as a whole will not be the only one that benefits from this; from personal experiences, I can attest that the rejection of this individualistic attitude and the subsequent embrace of a sacrificial attitude leads to a pure and genuine peace that cannot be attained by any betterment of oneself.
I can't say that since I've rejected society's emphasis on individual prosperity I've been selfless in all of my acts or have completely devoted my life to others, but I can say that I've made continuous attempts to recognize the fact that personal gain is not as important as helping others. This philosophy I developed is certainly not a common one. When people consider it, many wholeheartedly agree; however, when it comes time to put words into actions, most loose sight of their original devotion. Although society tends to push me into the latter category, I push back as hard as I can and fight for the greater good of people.
This essay definitely has potential, but it feels more of a rant/lecture about altruism and selflessness rather than your experience in challenging a belief. There were probably one or two sentences in the body paragraph that really highlighted what exactly you did, and the rest of it was your beliefs in how society can change. But what I and everybody else want to hear is how the experience changes YOU, which you did lightly touch upon in the ending, but not with enough depth and analysis of yourself and instead in society. Make it more about YOU and less about what you think about SOCIETY.
most loose sight of their original devotion
*lose
And don't be afraid to make the essay more personal. You're using really sophisticated language, which is awesome, but watch out that you don't overdo it because it can get a bit cold and like a research paper. There's nothing wrong in brevity.
But good job so far. Just needs some smoothing of the edges.
Thank you so much, vkwan.
After I read your email this morning and the suggestion of one of my friends, I've started to address the issue about making it more personal. I'm also trying to relate it more to ME than to society as a whole, which I'm having a bit of trouble with since I'm rejected an attitude of society.
Having said all of that, I'm working to make the paper better. If I post my new paper on here, do you think you could take another look at it for me?
Thank you,
Christian
