Hi this essay is for prompt 1 on the common app
Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
Any suggestions, corrections or advice are appreciated
Also, i wanted to make sure this was applicable to the prompt
Drop Ball
"I found one!" The exquisite orange shell gleamed as the sun reflected off the ice. The tiny, snow-covered crevice near the middle of the pond harbored the prize. I imagined what the trophy would look like when it rested atop my treasure trove. A unique golf ball so rare, that it was the first of its kind to have surfaced upon the frozen pond.
Without a word, Brian and Oleg knew what was racing through my mind. They watched nervously as I crept down the edge of the half-dried, frozen pond and made my way to the edge of the shore.
I rested my foot on the ice, The solid foundation gave me false confidence as I took baby steps toward my target. My pulse was beating as fast as that of a hare being pursued by a wolf. I shuffled frantically, the golf ball was almost within arm's reach. In one brisk movement, I dropped to my knees and reached toward the crevice where the fountain was once displayed. I was so close.
I glanced over my shoulder at the others. I was not too far away from the shore, maybe only eight or 10 feet. I caught the sight of puddles forming throughout the lake. Somehow, the warm breeze sent chills down my spine, perhaps because of what it foreshadowed. Before I could react, a tiny crack in the ice had grown into a massive fault. The look of horror on my friends' faces reflected the fear in my eyes as I plunged into the abyss. Freezing water is supposed to feel like a thousand pins and needles piercing your skin, but this was far worse.
I struggled to keep my head above the surface while I attempted to drag my way to safety. My puffy jacket, saturated with water, became a dead weight as I fought for survival. Attempts to throw my body back onto the ice were futile. It had become too thin and just shattered beneath my weight. As I continued to struggle, I felt a tugging on my left foot. My left shoe was tangled in a conglomerate of seaweed. My next move was an easy but painful choice, I loved my new "Nike Kicks" but my life was more precious. With only one foot I pressed against the ice as my senses began to die. I could hear muffled screams and see blurry images, but could no longer feel the pain. In a final attempt, I reached out and grasped what I thought was the hand of God. It pulled me back to the shore, safe at last. A broken piece of fence offered to me by my friends had done the trick.
After seeing the stress I had caused my parents, my friends and my body, I vowed never to leave myself susceptible to such harm again. I learned that risking my life for such an insignificant cause was selfish. Today, my decision-making is less impulsive. I put greater thought into what I do because I know what happens to me impacts those around me.
Thanks for reading
Great life treating story (the essay not the experience) and well explained with many details. This is a great essay! However maybe a little more on how this experience effected you would be a nice icing on the cake.
Really well written essay!!
Please look at my common app essay please.
Thank you and GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR COLLEGES!!!
I second that. I was riveted the whole essay, but your weak tie-in at the end was a let down.
So what can i add to make the last paragraph better?
Maybe trying to extend it on what kinds of stress that people around you went through. And connecting it more to the whole essay.
I hope this helped a little.
GOOD LUCK!!!
If your decision making isn't impulsive, did you choose to apply to ____ College after taking the time to learn about them and decide they were right for you? Try something along those lines. I don't know how close you are to the word count, but that is sort of what I expected to read at the end.
alright thanks for the advice
I'm going to start revising now
is this a more satisfying conclusion?
After seeing the stress I had caused my parents, my friends and my body, I vowed never to leave myself susceptible to such harm again. I learned that risking my life for such an insignificant cause was selfish. Today, my decision-making is less impulsive. I put greater thought into what I do because I know what happens to me impacts those around me. Sadly, the empty slot in my golf ball collection was never filled and one of my glossy, new Nike sneakers was left to rot below the ice. However, I still have what matters most and that is my life.
Yes, it definitely answers the prompt, and yes this new ending is great.
Dramatic pause:
However, I still have what matters most -- and that is my life.
This is very thoughtful and well-written!
Need one more comma:
...stress I had caused my parents, my friends, and my body, I vowed never to...
