Hello, I'm just looking for some quit critique for my first draft of my essay in response to "Describe a circumstance, obstacle or conflict in your life, and the skills and resources you used to resolve it. Did it change you? If so, how?". I'm looking to get into UT or A&M.
Around seventh grade, my grades began to drop and I noticed myself fall into a common teenage mindset of laziness and low academic willpower. My grades struggled during my attendance of a local private middle school called Sacred Heart, and playing video games all day during the summer wasn't really helping me achieve my ambition of getting into a great university to study a scientific field. Finally during ninth grade I decided enough was enough.
I studied harder than I ever had for my freshman year finals. For the first time I was putting in the work that I needed to put in to get somewhere with my grades and it felt great. That summer I turned my laziness into ambition. I began working out three days a week, so that during the break I wouldn't lose my sense of schedule, it would help me stay organized and give me something to focus on. I went every other day with a couple of friends, who pushed me along the path of working harder and improving myself.
I began spending some of my free time looking into Algebra 2 concepts as an introduction to what I would be learning that upcoming year, and all around preparing myself for classes I knew I may have struggled with. Defining a solid work ethic was huge for me. My newfound principles put my grades higher than they ever were, leading to my enrollment in all advanced placement classes, which I had never really been a part of before taking the initial steps towards improving my academic life. Although it took some time, I was able to overcome my procrastination and my lazy lifestyle. Through ambition and willpower I overcame this obstacle stronger than I was before, improving myself in different ways long the way. If I didn't push through and work towards my ambition, I wouldn't have gotten nearly as far as I am today.
Michael, sometimes the most amazing responses to an essay about obstacles do not come from the drama of life, but rather, the commonness of it. While other students would have looked for some life altering story or over dramatize a simple event, you chose to use a very common problem among teenagers today, and then you spun it into an admirable story. Excellent work! This is the kind of essay that could be remembered by a reviewer because of the simplicity of its response but depth of effect upon your life. Exactly what a reviewer looks for in such a response to prompts such as these. My advice is, don't touch the essay. It is very effective in this form. I will however, advise you to correct some errors in grammar as I found, and corrected in the list below.
I WAS IN THE SEVENTH GRADE WHEN my grades began - It is importance to take ownership of the obstacle you faced because you somehow created it through your actions.
Finally, during THE ninth grade
I went OUT every other day with a couple of
preparing myself for classes I knew I may HAVE TO have struggled with
which I had never really been a part of before ,
I overcame this obstacle AND CAME BACK PHYSICALLY AND INTELLECTUALLY stronger than I was before
improving myself in different ways ALONG the way
I wouldn't have gotten nearly as far as I HAVE today.
You did very good work on this essay. Good job :-)
Wow, I didn't really think it was all that great which is why I didn't try as much as I could have with some of the grammar. Thank you so much for the input!
Well Michael, initially running through your essay, I kind of grasping for air, as your sentences lacks a few commas here and there and this is not helping your readers understand the essay and message you are trying to send. Now let's slice up your essay and see if we can enhance it further.
- Around seventh grade, my grades began to drop, and I noticed myself...
- ...my attendance ofat a local private ...
- ...summer wasn'tdidn't really..
- ...helping me achieve...
- ...decided enough wasis enough.
- ...to what I would be learning thatthis upcoming year,
- ...and willpower I overcameovercome ( though the action has been done in the past, it still takes the present form of the verb)
- this obstacle stronger than I was before,
- improving myself in different ways a long the way.
- If I didn't push through and worked towards my ambition,
There you have it, I made the corrections as straightforward as possible as this will show you the difference between your original essay to that of the modified one and this will help you follow through for your future writing pieces.
