Hey!
Just hoping to get some constructive criticism, either good or bad, on my writing for this essay i wrote for my common app. I have already submitted it, but would love to hear my strengths and weaknesses in writing and also to hear how i compare in writing among others who possibly applied
Prompt: Please provide a statement (250 words minimum) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.
The shortest distance between two points is a straight line; invading my path however, were a few detours preventing me from staying aligned with the "average" young adult's timeline. Immediately after high school graduation, on June 22, 2008 I landed in Torrance, California. Desperate and helpless from the past few years of drug addiction, I entered a long-term, highly structured recovery program. Engaging in daily activities that consisted of chores, daily-reflections, meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous, family meetings, and building new relationships, I was able to begin constructing a new life. Along with my sobriety came many distant feelings, specifically a powerful and familiar one, ambition. Following the strong foundation I built for my recovery, I decided to follow my dream and enroll in college.
My initial motivation stemmed from a simple idea, start at community college then transfer to a prestigious academic university that would provide me with the tools I need to achieve my career goals. I entered El Camino College with an open mind and a thirst for knowledge. Utilizing my resources I enrolled in the "First Year Experience" program, receiving guidance with enrolling in core academic classes and advice for transferring to four-year universities. My classes at El Camino College have been eye opening and constructive, taking classes that always seemed to unintentionally interrelate with each other. Whether it was the concept of finding liberation through non-conformity portrayed in Lori Moore's "Self Help" in English class relating with Dennis Hopper's "Easy Rider" in Film, or learning about the excavations of the Neolithic era in Art History while learning about the people who did the excavating in Anthropology, I always seemed to gain a valuable education from a multi-perspective view. Being an extrovert, I took advantage of my time in class by actively participating in discussions and putting forth my full effort giving each subject my all, understanding what I put in, I get out. Working in sales, this same idea fed my motivation to preserver through the pressure and responsibility of fully supporting myself through my college career, understanding that if I do not produce, I do not get paid.
Now, having reached the point of departure from community college, I am seeking an educational setting that not only challenges my thirsty mind, but also satisfies my hunger for being surrounded by other like-minded students who value their education and are driven by success. By becoming part of an ambitious community and submerging myself into a new culture full of competition and inspiration, I am confident I will be able to realign my points, shortening the distance to successfully completing my college education. In doing so I aim to receive my Bachelor degree and a Masters in Business Administration to follow in pursuit of a career in investment banking.
Hi :) I can tell you a few things you could improve. Your essay is well-done, so I can only find minor issues, but I guess anything helps right? :)
The shortest distance between two points is a straight line; invading my path however, were a few detours preventing me from staying aligned with the "average" young adult's timeline. Immediately after high school graduation, on June 22, 2008 I landed in Torrance, California. Desperate and helpless from the past few years of drug addiction, I entered a long-term, highly structured recovery program.
In this section I see two things- a slight "wordiness" that makes me trip over the words a bit while reading. The first sentence is rather long, but its a good intro. The second thing is that I feel like you need to add a sentence in between "high school graduation" and "desperate and helpless." The missing information that I wonder about is: you were dealing with addiction the last 2 years of high school? I wonder why and how this affected your performance in school?
By e ngaging in daily activities that consisted of chores, daily-reflections, meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous meetings , family meetings, and building new relationships, I was able to begin constructing a new life.
Following the strong foundation that I built forduring my recovery, I decided to follow my dream and enroll in college.
Whether it was the concept of finding liberation through non-conformity portrayed in Lori Moore's "Self Help" in English class relating with Dennis Hopper's "Easy Rider" in Film, or learning about the excavations of the Neolithic era in Art History while learning about the people who did the excavating in Anthropology, I always seemed to gain a valuable education from a multi-perspective view.
This sentence is a little too long. I think it sounds better to write very straightforward> it sometimes becomes ineffective when you write ideas in the format: "from this...to that, and then add to that" But you are saying all the right things, so the format issue is minor. You may want to change that in the future. Any college would be lucky to have you, so I wish you luck with achieving your career goals :)
I really appreciate your kind words as well as your help. i totally agree with u in regards to the "engaging" sentence and opening it with "by engaging"
also i was a bit weary to add that extra sentence about classes intertwining and didn't feel it was as strong a sentence as it could have been, but i decided to keep it i guess i thought it would help more than hurt.
anyways thanks again!
Although you have already received meaningful feedback and turned your paper in, I just wanted to say that I feel fortunate to have read it. It is so honestly powerful yet poetic; you dove head-first into a topic that some would tread lightly upon and you did it with grace and dignity. The story itself is inspiring but the way you wrote it is spot-on and completely captivating. I revise and edit essays all throughout the day and this is one of the most beautiful and well-written projects that has ever come my way.
Thank you :)
Susan,
music to my ears you are too kind. I appreciate your positive feedback and hope the addmissions officers feel the same way!
