"Drums and Discrimination" - UW Essay

I was hoping for some extra help on my UW PS and any feedback/constructive criticism would be much appreciated!

University of Washington prompt: Tell us a story from your life, describing an experience that either demonstrates your character or helped to shape it.

Options could include:

- a character-defining moment
- the cultural awareness you've developed
- a challenge faced
- a personal hardship or barrier overcome

"Most people don't believe me when I say that when I have a headache, I play the drums. I insist that it's true, that the loud banging of a drum and the ear-splitting crash of a cymbal dulls even the worst headache. I haven't always played for fun or to rid myself of a headache, though. At first I played for a grade, but soon fell in love with the feeling. I loved the creativity that came with making up a new beat and relished my newfound ability to make music out of nothing. Little did I know, gender discrimination was going to put a damper on my recently-acquired happiness.

I joined band in sixth grade where I played percussion throughout the entirety of middle school; at first to the disapproval of my parents who insisted that I play a "real instrument". Beginning in the seventh grade, I was finally eligible to do what I joined band in the first place to do-learn to play the drum set. At first it was tough. I lacked the ability to multi-task with different limbs, but I kept practicing. I remember air-drumming for long periods at a time, trying to move each arm and leg in rhythm separately. Soon I was able to move both my hands independently from one another, and shortly after I was able to incorporate my feet into the mix. After going through nerve-wracking auditions, I was one of the four chosen to alternate on the drum set-and the only girl. By the end of seventh grade, I felt it was safe to say that I had become one of the best of the four and probably the most dependable and mature. Everyday I came to class prepared: sheet music and drum sticks in my backpack, and quick to volunteer to play warm-ups. The rest of the drummers, as teenage boys, seemed to claim the stereotypical traits of a drummer: spacey, loud, immature, and lacking in brain cells. I was the down to Earth one, reliable and responsible. It was up until this point that I was commended for breaking the stereotype and being different-for being the only female; it was "cool".

Somehow, though, things began to change. Suddenly the boys were better than me, not in terms of skill, but in status. All because I was a girl. They started to ignore me when I asked to play a certain song or certain drum. My opinion was completely irrelevant and often I wound up being the only one without any part at all. A couple of times I left class crying because I felt so ostracized-like I didn't matter. Because I was the girl. And suddenly, it wasn't cool anymore to be in my position. It was embarrassing.

The feeling of isolation eventually drove me away from band. I was tired of feeling alone and feeling inferior just because of my gender. My parents were disappointed at first. They were stunned by how adept I had gotten to be on the set and were proud to call me "their little drummer girl". They understood what I was going through, though, and stood by my decision to not continue to play in high school. Just because I quit band didn't mean that I stopped playing altogether, though. I couldn't quit what I loved. I was too stubborn and persistent to do that. For my sixteenth birthday I received my own drum set and was given the freedom to play in the safety of my own home. There, there was no discrimination. Just me, the drums, and the music. No longer feeling suppressed by my gender in a room full of males, my skills increased tenfold. I was able to play things that I was physically incapable of in the past and was left to experiment and fail without scrutiny.

To this day I have met many people who doubt me when I tell them I can play the drums, and even have friends who insist that they're better drummers than me when they've never even heard me play. I try to not let it bother me. And when someone doesn't believe me when I say that I play the drums to cure my stress and headaches...I have the calluses on my hands to prove it."

First off, I am concerned about length. It seems long, at around 720 words. The recommended length is 500-650. Is that an issue? Second, my last paragraph sounds rushed. I was worried about length so I didn't develop it fully. Lastly, it sort of seems to lack direction to me. Maybe that's just me, since I tend to never feel confident with my writing and where I'm going with it. Thank you for your time. Any help is greatly appreciated.

You essay describes a challenge for personal hardship you faced (gender discrimination.) I was engrossed up to the third paragraph, but then you lost me (see questions in CAPS below:)


This gap in explanation leaves a "hole" in your essay, so it reads a bit like a donut. It's great that your drum playing skills increased tenfold after you "received my own drum set and was given the freedom to play in the safety of my own home." But I'm not sure this is an effective way to overcome the problem or challenge you faced. Experimenting and failing without male scrutiny is not a everyday situation in the new UW world you are aspiring to be part of. It would help to learn about how this drumming discrimination helped build your character (i.e. are you now determined to join a predominantly male band or some such club in UW?)