2001 was the year I fell in love with Duke. That year, as a boy, I watched the men's basketball team win the NCAA tournament, and dreamed to step on the court one day. While I now accept that this will never happen (I took up golf!), the memory of the Blue Devils' spirit remained with me throughout high school. After two memorable visits this year, I began to sense my boyhood dream of Duke's spirit come alive and started to further discover the layered dimensions of the university's character.
What I find appealing beyond those features that first draw a student-FOCUS, Duke Gardens, K-ville-is Duke's continuous striving to reach for more than its past or its present. The institution, as represented by the students and professors, with whom I spoke, constantly seeks progress and challenges prior thinking, thus fulfilling the ideal of a university to which I aspire to contribute. I have not experienced quite that continual striving for growth in my other college visits and research. I also observed a hidden or non-obvious aspect to the university. Despite its prestige, Duke seems to project a humility that is welcoming and refreshing, one that I could not find in other top universities. With these recent discoveries, I know now why the blue and white loudly and proudly fill Cameron every game. My boyhood dream about Duke is confirmed. I am beginning to understand that the character of a university is the essence behind its spirit. It is with this nascent and gradual understanding that I sincerely hope to be among those fans next fall, when I would whisper to myself: this is where I belong.
Please be brutally honest with me, as I'd rather fix any mistakes / not good things than be offended.
hmmm what's the word limit?
as i write my why college x? essays, I try to be more personal in them. don't just tell the school why its good, write WHY its good for YOU! otherwise you just sound like a brochure and you generalize.
do some research and go back to the drawing board.
Hi there!
I actually love this essay! Paragraph 1 feels honest and authentic (esp. the 'I play golf!' parenthetical), and the concept of progress/striving/forward-thinking at Duke is really thoughtful. It shows you have thought about 'why Duke.'
My biggest problem with the essay is that Par. 2 feels rather stilted:
"The institution, as represented by the students and professors, with whom I spoke, constantly seeks progress and challenges prior thinking, thus fulfilling the ideal of a university to which I aspire to contribute. I have not experienced quite that continual striving for growth in my other college visits and research. I also observed a hidden or non-obvious aspect to the university. Despite its prestige, Duke seems to project a humility that is welcoming and refreshing, one that I could not find in other top universities. With these recent discoveries, I know now why the blue and white loudly and proudly fill Cameron every game."
This syntax here is convoluted and choppy--almost as if you are trying to write with an entirely different voice. Can you preserve your 'voice' from Paragraph 1? Keep the sentence structure more direct and simple.
In terms of content, this paragraph also needs more depth. What do you mean by 'humility?' Can you be more concrete here? What do you mean by striving for growth??? How is this evidenced in the student body, in academic fields that interest you, in research, in student organizations, etc? Building on Angie127's advice, this will also help to show why Duke is right for YOU.
My biggest problem with the content here is that it sounds rather speculative, and needs to be tethered to some concrete examples.
I think you've done awesome work here, just make paragraph 2 more specific.
Janson
Ivy Eyes Editing
