Duke Supplement- Arts and Sciences

Okay, I think this needs some work. It needs to be more meaningful and powerful. Any suggestions? Thanks!

Duke was not only the first college I visited, but it was the last. There were college tours in between, but I had to come back to Duke to see if I could experience that tingly feeling yet again. My stomach did not disappoint and my heart melted. Duke did more than create anticipation for college, it made me feel at home. I am completely sincere when I say that I could see myself wandering the gothic wonderland with a bag full of books. Now that I approved physically of the school I needed to see if Duke would fit me academically. That is when I stumbled upon the DiVE virtual reality lab.

As I dove deeper into my growing fascination of the DiVE lab, I mentally programmed in different settings. I pictured myself in DiVE traveling through the various systems of the human body or exploring it to discover the origin of an anatomical problem. The best part is, the program is just the surface of what Duke has to offer. Being in a prime research triangle there is an abundance of possibilities, especially in the medical field. I would be honored to be a part in making some of those possibilities into realities.

-It said 1-2 paragraphs but I could make it a bit longer if I need to.

You could expand but I don't really feel that it's necessary. I like you you draw the reader in by talkin about he tingling feeling you got because its something that everyone can relate to! PLEASE help me with mine!!

Duke was not only the first college I visited, but it was the last. There were college tours in between, but I had to come back to Duke to see if I could experience that tingly feeling yet again. My stomach did not disappoint and my heart melted. Duke did more than create anticipation for college, it made me feel at home. I am completely sincere when I say that I could see myself wandering the gothic wonderland with a bag full of books. Now that I approved physically (try saying something more along the lines of: Now that I have approved the physical features) of the school I needed to see if Duke would fit me academically. That is when I stumbled upon the DiVE virtual reality lab.

As I dove deeper into my growing fascination (awkwardly worded. try, As my fascination grew deeper for)of the DiVE lab, I mentally programmed in different settings. I pictured myself in DiVE traveling through the various systems of the human body or exploring it to discover the origin of an anatomical problem. The best part is, the program is just the surface of what Duke has to offer. Being in a prime research triangle there is an abundance of possibilities, especially in the medical field. I would be honored to be a part in making some of those possibilities into personal realities.

Very nicely worded, some minor issues but overall, it seems very articulate!