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She dyed her hair red for Christmas; My identity/ Common App Essay- 1st paragraph


Anumeha 7 / 13 2  
Oct 8, 2013   #1
I'm doing the CA essay with the topic on telling my background or story that is central to my identity. I haven't figured out the entire essay yet, but I just wanted to get critique on the very first paragraph. Just for general info, I think I am going to write on how I've always been taught to value small things, even when I lived in India, and how that's stuck with me all my years even in America.

Alright, so here it is:

She dyed her hair red for Christmas because her parents didn't care, and she was old enough to do so. Her friend got another pair of hundred dollar Ugg boots, to add to add to her collection of five. I'd been in America for 3 years, and sitting next to them wearing 10 dollar Payless flats, I already felt like an outsider.

(basically going to continue with how this stuff mattered a lot to me then, but how my perspectives have changed, etc.)
tayleeb - / 19  
Oct 12, 2013   #2
I like it, but it's REALLY hard to simply critique the first three sentences without the rest of the essay. I can't tell if the beginning draws me in enough to make me read the whole essay thoroughly, etc.

Kind of an interesting thought I had while reading it is that it sounds very similar to John Green's style of writing. I'm not sure if that's necessarily something that you want in a college essay, but it's pretty! Write the entire essay and post it!
Miranda123 1 / 2  
Oct 15, 2013   #3
She dyed her hair red for Christmas because her parents didn't care, and she was old enough to do so. Her friend got another pair of hundred dollar Ugg boots, to add to add to her collection of five.

There's no clarification in these first two sentences. It can be a bit confusing to the reader. Are you talking about a friend, and then about her friend? Or are you talking about a friend, and then about you giving notice to her Ugg boots?

I'd been in America for 3 years, and sitting next to them wearing 10 dollar Payless flats, I already felt like an outsider.

Residing in America for the past 3 years
Her Ugg boots, in comparison to my 10 dollar Payless flats,
Just fix a little bit of the wording, otherwise, it's fine. Good luck!


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