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"I'm dying, winning, swimming" - Common App Essay


wormABC 1 / -  
Oct 31, 2010   #1
The topic was chose whatever topic you want.

I am dying. The water hinders my movements. Muscle memory urges my arms and legs to keep moving, but my body screams to stop. I can't breathe. Suddenly, the wall approaches, a relief to my aching body. I grab for the wall and grasp it to finally catch my breath.

"You missed the interval, Danny! Keep going! GO!" And I am off, without a second's rest, to face death. Again.
That was swim practice, 3 hours a day, 6 days a week, 48 weeks a year, for the last 4 years of my life. I hated it. I wasn't sure why I always went to practice. Perhaps it was the futile pursuit of a glorified past. The sinking feeling, knowing that there was a failed battle waiting for me every day, tortured me, and I let it. I continued to go to practice, longing for the success I had experienced not so long ago.

* * *
"I am winning." That was all that was running through my head as I furiously stroked, urging my body to go faster. I could see my teammates on the sidelines, all cheering me on. I pushed a little more; one more stroke, one more kick, and I was at the wall. I looked up at the score board, pumping my fist when I saw the "1" next to my name.

I was ten at the time and living on top of the world. First Colony Swim Team, a year-round swim program, saw an age of new records, and I was a part of it. The quadrumvirate of Aidan, Daniel, Ballard, and Danny generated excitement at every state meet. We dominated the freestyle and medley relays year after year, almost guaranteeing wins for our age group.

As I entered high school, schoolwork coupled with piano practice held me back. My frustration at my lack of improvement in the pool led me blame myself. I had been in school and playing piano for all my life, yet those things had never stopped me before, so why now? There were no apparent obstacles in my view, so I stubbornly continued swimming, expecting that eventually my persistence would pay off. It didn't. I fell deeper into a delusion of success. As my grades started to slip and the demands of school work and clubs grew, I was forced to choose between piano and club swimming. After 12 long years, I finally quit the First Colony Swim Team.

* * *
"I am swimming! Look Danny, look!" exclaimed the excited little boy as I released him from my arms. I smiled and gave him a thumbs-up. Coaching younger kids was just one of the joys I found in joining the Tarpons, a recreational summer league swim team. There was no sense of urgency to practice for the next meet, or to become state champions. Everybody just...swam. Like the little boy, I discovered why I wanted to swim: the feel of water underneath the arms, the weightless euphoria, and the infusing smell of chlorine and suntan lotion. I was truly swimming for the first time in many years.

Despite the torture I had put myself through for 4 years, I learned some things. I learned that I had the stubbornness of a mule. I learned that I had limits, which are not always bad. Most importantly, I learned to enjoy whatever I do. In the pursuit of "excellence", I strived for expectations and goals that were never originally mine. What was mine, however, was my initial love for an activity, be it swimming or piano or academic subject. This love spurred a greater motivation than I had ever felt before. I do not have to force myself to pursue interests, rather I allow myself to appreciate them, finally enjoying the ride.

Questions:
-Is the timeline too confusing?
-Should I keep the structure as it is?
-Is "quadrumvirate" too awkward of a word choice?

Thanks in advance!
cfm289 - / 8  
Oct 31, 2010   #2
ok, Great story I love the concept. The only problem I have is that maybe the person reading this will feel that you can't juggle tasks. That may hurt your chances because you demonstrate that you can not do clubs and maintain your grades.

"Most importantly, I learned to enjoy whatever I do." -- How do you enjoy what ever you do when you say, "I hated it. I wasn't sure why I always went to practice."

Maybe if you elaborate more on what it taught you, you will make your point clear. I believe that you wanted to show your self-determination and that in this...correct? Make is clearer.

Finally, you may unintentionally come off bragging a bit when you talk about your first on swim team, always first in meets, team wins all the time. This is okay, but then you say you can't handle it all and slack on school grades. You speak so highly on sports but try to make it should less cocky.

Your Questions:
1. No, you could involve more transitions if you want to. like "8 years later I hear kids say "I am swimming..." Its a bad example but you get it.

2. Yes, I enjoy the structure because it shows you grow in the paper and you yourself grows each paragraph.
3. No. It was not awkward for me.

All-in-all it was a good story. Just tweak some areas a bit and it should be good.

Please return the favor--- essayforum.com/undergraduate-admission-2/snowy-struggels-personal-refe lction-common-app-essay-idea-20835/ - "My Snowy Struggels and Personal Refelction" Common App essay 1 idea.

~ Thank You
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 9, 2010   #3
living on top of the world.

This is a great expression! It takes a cliche and makes it cool. "Living" on top of the world is interesting to the mind...

Brilliant... I like how it creates tension with quitting the team and then brings some vibrancy back to the essay with dialogue from the kid. This is something that many readers will really appreciate... a read accomplishment, because of the way it leads the reader's attention and puts images in the mind.

Quadrumvirate will always be an awkward word, but it is great here!!
The words "dying" in the intro are dramatic, but not too bad. They make the essay seem negative, and they make it confusing. I would not use the references to dying, but if you already sent this essay out don't worry, because I am just nitpicking!


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