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"the dynamic learning environment and cultural diversity" - Transfer Application


LAL2011 1 / -  
Apr 5, 2011   #1
Hi everyone

I am currently in the process of transferring to a four year college and I need some help with my personal statement. I am not the best at writing and I feel that my grammar is horrible so any help would be appreciated.

The personal statement is a critical element in the review of your application and will be used to assess your fit within the degree program and the University. Your personal statement should:

During my final year at Bellevue College, I took some difficult classes and ended up getting A's and B's. My confidence is at an all time high and I was in good spirits. However, I did not have a good start to my college career. I had a severe social anxiety disorder that made me afraid to go class. As a result, I ended up going through a cycle of withdrawing from classes and received a few F's for not withdrawing from class in time.

At this point, I was at a fork in the road and I had a huge decision to make. Do I continue down this path of failure? Or do I just settle on finding a job and work a blue collar job for the rest of my life? I chose the latter. I ended up working long, excruciating hours as a machine operator and made a good amount of money. I also overcame my social anxiety because I was surrounded by many friendly people from different cultures. Eventually, my bank account grew larger and larger by the week and I made many friends, but I felt that something was lacking. I was not happy with my job and ended up going through a period of depression. The only element that brought me light through this dark period of time was building my new gaming machine. Holding each shiny new component and putting them together piece by piece brought me solace.

When I would have family and friends over, they would take notice of my work. I received many compliments on how fast and efficient my computer was. Receiving all these compliments brought a huge smile to my face. Soon after, people were asking me for help to build their computers and set up their home networks. I offered my services at no cost. That is how much I enjoy working on computers.

I thought to myself, if I enjoy working on computers and setting up networks for free, why not do this for a living? This is when I decided that I want to become an IT professional.

After hours and hours of searching for a program that will help me to achieve my goals, I found a perfect match. I feel that the dynamic learning environment and cultural diversity offered by the University of Washington will help me to achieve my goals. Your prestigious program will put me at the forefront of breaking trends and new technology. Courses in networking and databases, coupled with my A+ certification will build a solid foundation for my career as an IT professional. The research opportunities, internships, and senior project will also help me to develop teamwork skills which is crucial in the world of Information Technology. Being able to work with people who have a similar passion for IT as I do will cultivate friendships and build upon my leadership skills.

Thank you Jessica and Kevin for your help!

Jessicambruno 2 / 2  
Apr 7, 2011   #2
Hi! I must say I like your essay but I though you were doing your self a diservice by writting so much personal information that was unfavorable to you. I think if you include all the facuts of information the board my feel your not ready to commit to their school or relapse. my suggestion is to look at the information you feel contributed to you not doing so well these to paragraphs in particular:

I had no focus or the motivation to study because I was caught up in the partying scene. I was having too much fun living the college life that I put my education off to the side. As a result of my lack of focus, I ended up transferring to a community college in Hawaii. I thought that the move would help me to clear my mind a regain some focus, but I ended up going through the same cycle.

Question: did you tranfer by choice or where you told you could not continue? their is a a diffrence if you where kicked out it sound diffrent the freely going to a junior college to refous your acdemic life. So i would get rid of what i put a red.

I realized that I needed to get away from all these bad influences, so I decided to move to the state of Washington. When I got here, I was excited to be in a new place. But the honey moon period soon ended and I became homesick. The transition was excruciating for me. Eventually, I ended up being diagnosed with depression and social anxiety. I was shy and afraid to go to class. As a result, I ended up going through a cycle of withdrawing from classes and received a few F's for not withdrawing from class in time. At this point I felt like a complete failure. Here I was doing nothing with my life and wasted a lot of time smoking marijuana.

then i would just write about your climb back up and who it is shown because of you new grades, drive, and desire to be something than what you are now.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,334 129  
Apr 7, 2011   #3
Capitalize Internet.

Love is one thing (singular), so... do this:
My love for computers and the internet make Internet makes information technology an ideal major for me.

Is it really necessary to talk about the fact that you lacked focus? Oh.. and maybe they will judge you harshly for smoking marijuana! You know, I understand that you want to acknowledge the blemishes on your transcript, but I say this:

YOU CAN ACKNOWLEDGE THE LOW GRADES IN HALF A SENTENCE, AND THEN MOVE ON TO TALK ABOUT YOUR INSPIRATION ABOUT IT.

That is most important. Do NOT give multiple paragraphs about anxiety, marijuana, and bad grades. Don't even talk about it at all. Just refer briefly to the poor grades you got in the past, and then move on to the MAIN FOCUS OF THE ESSAY: your detailed plan for becoming an IT professional and specializing in _____ (what is your specialization going to be?)

...But the honeymoon period soon ended and I became homesick.

While at Bellevue College, I took some difficult classes and ended up getting A' and B's. My confidence is at an all time high and I was in good spirits. ---This is an excellent way to START the essay.

:-)


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