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"both early childhood education and psychology" - 300 word education and career goals


karmar45 1 / -  
Feb 10, 2011   #1
As a senior in high school instead of sitting in class for 90 minutes, I was standing in front of 19 first graders teaching them a lesson. My high school offers a class that you can take as senior to explore your future career, which I was fortunate enough to be enrolled in. I spent a total of 27 hours in a first grade class learning what it was like to become a first grade teacher. I observed small & whole lessons individual instruction, specials, snack time and progress checks. I remember walking into the class room on the first day being overwhelmed and nervous, but eventually I found my-self taking on the initiative to work with students independently, and as a class. After spending time in the first grade class I only became more passionate about become an early childhood educator. My career and educational goals are to attend (college name) and major in early childhood education. But I also feel that in today's society teachers also need a background in psychology, therefore I want to minor in psychology. After graduating from (college name) I feel that with a strong background in both early childhood education and psychology I will be able provide a learning environment in which every child will be able to succeed.
KathyLala 20 / 116  
Feb 10, 2011   #2
These are my ideas if you want to take a look

As a senior in high school instead of sitting in class for 90 minutes, I was standing in front of 19 first graders teaching them a lesson=> As a senior in high school, I chose to take a class that taught how to teach first grade students instead of....

=>My high school has offered a class that you can take at your senior year to explore your future career, which I was fortunate enough to be enrolled in

=>I observed small & whole lessons individual instruction, specials, snack time and progress checks (difficult to understand->you observed a first grade classroom?at special time and snack time? or you observed special class? what is progress checks?

=> ...I found my-self taking on the initiative =>... I found myself taking...

=>but eventually I found my-self taking on the initiative to work with students independently.(delete "and as a class")

=> After spending time in the first grade class, I have became more passionate about becoming an early childhood educator.

=>...education. But I also feel that in today's society teachers also need a background in psychology, therefore I want to minor in psychology. (I don't use "But" to start a sentence, I use "However" instead. Use ";" before therefore, hence, moreover, furthermore...

=>...education. However, I feel that in today's society teachers need a psychology degree as well; therefore, I want...

Don't use the word "background" if you mean certificate or degree because "background" is so general and unclear
EF_Susan - / 2,364 12  
Feb 17, 2011   #3
Great feedback from Kathy! I want to add one more thing:
In this kind of sentence, here is a good way to use the comma:
As a senior in high school, instead of sitting in class for 90 minutes I was standing in front of 19 first graders teaching them a lesson.----This is the way some would do it. Really, there is some flexibility in the way people use commas... but I like it this way. Do you see how I moved the comma?

If you type a new draft of the essay, we can see how it improved. :-)


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