Please critique either one of these, or both. Yeah, they may be a little cliche, but...tell me how to improve.
Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate - and us - know you better.
Dear Stanford and my future roommate,
First, I would just like to say that I'm pleased to meet you. I come from a semi-military family; my father, now retired, served for 22 years as a trumpet player in the Navy band. Consequently, I have lived in five different states and attended twelve different schools. I have adapted to living in new places and meeting new people. Having spent five of my earliest years in Southern California, I really enjoy the beach and the ocean, and I am very willing to spend time there studying or just having fun.
I am an early riser. Generally, I wake up at 5:00, though I avoid waking up anyone else. I eat breakfastïmeaning I cram as much food into my mouth as I can without having to prepare itïand I attend class. Now, my studies mean a lot to me, and I am not much of a partygoer, but I enjoy long, drawn-out conversations about any subject that can stretch the mindïwhether it be the big bang, Roman history, politics in the '60s, and so on. I enjoy thinking about these kinds of things, and you may hear me make a sudden remark about any mysterious or controversial subject that will stimulate a long discussion, and I look forward to having such talks with anyone I meet around Stanfordïincluding several every week with my future roommate!
Matt
Tell us what makes Stanford a good place for you.
I will not pretend that attending Stanford has been my dream ever since I was born. But as I research different colleges, Stanford continues to stand out more than any other institution. What's more, I think that Stanford would suit me better than any other college that I know of.
When I attended the "Exploring College Options" lecture, in which representatives from Duke, Georgetown, Harvard, Penn, and Stanford all gave presentations on their respective schools, I noticed that the person representing Stanford had the most to say. Google, Yahoo, and other major companies were founded around Stanford; Stanford students earned more medals at the last Olympics than many countries did; it is located in one of the most innovative places in America, and it seems to have stimulated a great deal of that innovation; and Stanford has an impressive student-to-palm tree ratio. Stanford seems to have garnered international fame not from an old reputation, as some major schools have (with the exception of Cornell, I noticed, it was founded over one hundred years later than any of the Ivy League schools) but, rather, from its achievements. I liked this a lot, and I suddenly wanted to be involved in an institution that churned out distinct business leaders and technological pioneers like candy.
I do not want a school with a big name and nothing to show for it. I want to attend a school that will help me to make the most of myself in the real world, and I believe that Stanford is that school.
Prompt 2:
Although this revealed much about you, maybe you can add a few "interesting" fun ideas that will grab the Stanford admissions director out of his or her seat. I only got a one sided feel for your personality and since you are talking to your roomie, you don't have to talk so professionally or serious.
meaning I cram as much food into my mouth as I can without having to prepare it
a little too much information? haha, just doesn't bring up a nice picture.
Prompt 3:
I'm sure the admissions officer may appreciate your honesty, but I don't feel like you extremely have a heart for Stanford from reading this. It seems as if through process of elimination you have chosen Stanford and instead list it's accomplishments that I'm sure the admissions director already knows or doesn't care too much about. Research the clubs at Stanford, comment about the people, or talk about what is so special about the location.
Sorry I didn't have too much technical advice, but instead a general overview of how I see it. Even though I'm not an expert, through these prompts, I did not feel like you would interest me as a roomie or see your true passion to attend Stanford. :/
I think you can add more to your "letter" prompt. It has a good, solid start, but I feel you can provide more depth to ti.
Letter prompt:
Don't say ", and so on", the examples are illustrative enough. Stop with them.
" I enjoy thinking about these kinds of things"... that's probably understood by the fact that you talk about them.
It isn't... fun enough, maybe? You're talking about talking, which, although interesting, isn't awe-inspiring. Say something quirky about yourself! Oh, and for goodness' sake, if you say you talk PLEASE put in that you listen too?
Why Stanford?
You come across too logical. Put some heart into this, some emotion. Fudge it a bit if you have to. It's interesting that you are so rational, but it makes you come off as though you don't really care if you do or don't get into Stanford, cause the other colleges don't offer much less than it. Talk about more than the reputation it built up, and the people who have left there. Talk abiut the atmosphere, the professors, the curriculum, things that REALLY set it apart.
All things considered, here are the updated prompts:
Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate - and us - know you better.
Dear Stanford and my future roommate,
First, I would just like to say that I'm pleased to meet you. I come from a semi-military family; my father, now retired, served for 22 years as a trumpet player in the Navy band. Consequently, I have lived in five different states and attended twelve different schools. I have adapted to living in new places and meeting new people. Having spent five of my earliest years in Southern California, I really enjoy the beach and the ocean, and I am very willing to spend time there studying or just having fun.
I am an early riser. Generally, I wake up at 5:00, though I avoid waking up anyone else. I eat breakfast-meaning that I quickly eat any food that I don't have to prepare-and I attend class. I enjoy long, drawn-out conversations about any mind-stretching subject-whether it's the big bang, early Christianity, or politics in the '60s. I like to think about these kinds of things, and I love listening to others' viewpoints on them. If I hear something interesting or unique, I'll usually think about it for a while with scrunched eyebrows and a dumb look and say something like, "I like that idea. I've never heard that before." At Stanford, I plan to banter with, argue with, question, or listen to any willing person, whether it's a classmate, a professor, an admissions officer-or even my future roommate!
Matt
P.S. The stereo is mine, the Mountain Dew is mine, and I get the bottom bunk. Do not touch my stuff.
Tell us what makes Stanford a good place for you.
I will not pretend that attending Stanford has been my dream ever since I was born. But as I research different colleges, Stanford continues to stand out more than any other institution. What's more, I think that Stanford would suit me better than any other college in the world.
When I attended the "Exploring College Options" lecture, in which representatives from Duke, Georgetown, Harvard, Penn, and Stanford all gave presentations of their respective schools, I noticed that the person representing Stanford had the most to say. Google, Yahoo, and other major companies were founded around Stanford; Stanford students earned more medals at the last Olympics than many countries did; it is located in one of the most innovative places in America, and it seems to have stimulated a great deal of that innovation; and Stanford has an impressive student-to-palm tree ratio. Hearing this, I got excited. Stanford seems to have garnered international fame not from an old reputation, as other major schools have, but, rather, from its achievements. And how did these achievements come about? The students!
After hearing that lecture, Stanford shot to the top of my list. I imagined the undergrads of Stanford-eager persons working to make a nice big bang in the world. I itched to become a part of that. I do not want a school with a big name and nothing to show for it. I want to be part of something bigger; I want make a bright spark in the real world, and I believe Stanford, and Stanford alone, can help me do that.
Haha, I love the post script! Maybe leave out the last sentence? It seems a tad aggressive, in my opinion. Just my own thoughts though.
Good place: way too statistical! My eyes started to glaze over after that tedious ramble of different unis you could shorten it to "in which representatives from many prestigious university gave presentations" and "I noticed that the person representing Stanford had the most to say"... sorry to say this, and don't mean to come off as rude, but that sounds so boring! That whole paragraph, indeed, is quite dull. The last two sentences are mostly adequate, but... still.
I get you want to tell the truth (trust me, I'm the same), but at least embellish it a little to show your ENTHUSIASM. You seem very concise, that's good, but to a point that everything is just monotone. It's much better with the roommate letter, but this second one is still... meh. Try to convey how excited you'd be to go to Stanford! Don't come off as a "OMG MY LIFE DREAM I HAVE POSTERS ALL OVER MY WALLS" but show hey, I really WANT to attend Stanford, which you're not exactly showing at this point.
I like the last paragraph though.
Anyway, keep at it, good luck! Cheers.
Yeah, that P.S. is funny... but I just wish it was set up better by the letter. What I mean is... it should be like a punchline that refers back to a joke.. some kind of self-depreciating humor, where you admit that you have a neurotic attachment to some of your stuff. Then, at the end, that "do not touch my stuff," would be more like a joke.
Ahh... I don't know what I am talking about. It's fine the way it is, and the AO reader will laugh aloud.
I also think this is impressive: "After hearing that lecture, Stanford shot to the top of my list." ---It is great because it is interesting and real. A real experience. I think this is going to be a winner.
