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I have earned more A's; About what I believe; Essay for Yale


Nikhil 3 / 7  
Dec 21, 2008   #1
Any feedback you can give as to grammar and style, whether the topic is appropriate or not, or anything else really would be great

Question: You have already told us about yourself in the Common Application, with its list of activities, the Short Answer, and the Personal Essay. While we leave the topic of the second essay entirely up to you, try telling us something about yourself that you believe we cannot learn elsewhere in your application. Please limit yourself to fewer than 500 words.

Second Essay
When you look at my transcript, you will most likely notice the rather large discrepancy between my grades from freshman to senior year. In fact, I have earned more A's during this one semester of my senior year than I did during my first three years combined. While this gap reflects poorly on my efforts at the start of high school, I feel that it more importantly demonstrates my growth as a student, as well as an individual.

To be blunt, I did not work hard during my freshman and sophomore years. This was not due to a lack of interest in school, but rather because I simply did not want to put in the effort needed to earn the grades I was capable of. When I came home from school, I would watch TV and go on the internet instead of doing my homework. The future was far away, and I did not think about how my laziness I was hurting my chances of succeeding later.

My junior year started off similarly to the previous two years. However, at the interim grading period, I was shocked to find that I had a D- in statistics-I had never seen a D on a report card in my life. My parents were mad to say the least, but I was even angrier with myself. It was hard for me to believe that I had let myself slip so badly. There was not an overnight change in my grades, but there definitely was one in my work habits. From the day I got my report card, I began doing my homework immediately after I got home from school-the TV and computer stayed off until I finished. I no longer went for tests unprepared and I stopped putting off papers and projects until the last minute. By the end of the semester I had brought my statistics grade up to a B-, and managed to avoid getting a single C in any of my classes, a first for me in high school. I continued these habits through second semester as well, and ended up raising my class rank by over thirty.

This year, all the work I have put into improving my grades finally paid off. I earned A's in nearly all of my classes. I have finally learned how to balance work and pleasure. I know when I can spend time with friends and when I have to stay home and study; I know when to put down the remote and pick up my pencil.

I realize that I had a less than stellar start to high school, and that there are other students who have worked hard all four years instead of just two. However, my drive to succeed in life is now no less than any of theirs. When I arrive at college, I am not going to repeat the mistakes I made when entering high school; I am going to work to my potential from day one.
Chink - / 13  
Dec 21, 2008   #2
To be honest with you, Nikhil, I do not think you will be accepted to Yale, despite this essay. I have had a lot of experience with Ivy League admissions (I know dozens of people who have applied in the past, myself included), and I must say the competition is brutal. Unless you possess extraordinary talents outside the classroom or have had an utterly tragic upbringing, an essay will not make up for a sub-par GPA.

Regardless! I actually happen to have found this essay a pretty good read. It is very well organized, there are almost no grammatical errors and your sentence structure is very neat. Your voice is both likable and believable. It is unfortunate that you did not apply yourself in high school.

Nonetheless, even if you do not get into the undergraduate school of your choice, remember that many people's vocations nowadays have nothing to do with their undergraduate major. Do well in whatever undergraduate school you attend (don't get lazy!) and apply to Yale again when you graduate. Think of undergraduate school as a chance to redeem yourself! No matter where you go, if you do well, you will have a shot at getting into any grad school as long as you prove yourself in college. Good luck!
Kikozang - / 14  
Dec 22, 2008   #3
Nothing is impossible. Great schools are known to make decisions based on the whole, not only your transcript. So the essays are very important because you need to show the side of you marks cant show.

I think you should focus more on your turning point: the 'why' you changed and 'how' you changed, but less on the 'before' you changed.

Don't talk about your failures so much, advocate your success at the end kk!
Good on you for applying Yale!
eiiia 7 / 19  
Dec 22, 2008   #4
I agree with kiko. You shouldn't elaborate so much on the bad habits. Maybe you should start on the D- grade. Be more narrative rather than just stating. My college counsellor says its always better to read a story.

Example:

I stared down at the glaring red grade that read "D-". I was shocked. I wasn't stupid; I understood what my teacher taught in class. Flipping through my paper in hopes of error in counting, I was disappointed to find only blanks in my answer script. Then it dawned on me, those late nights of watching television and playing has returned to haunt me...

Just like to check if there is a section on "discrepancy on grades" in the application. Because it would be more strategic from you to elaborate on your talents/ passions in this essay and describe your change in the appropriate section.
OP Nikhil 3 / 7  
Dec 22, 2008   #5
Thanks for the feedback, there were limited changes I could make, as I was right at 500 words, but I did what I could.

I know my prospects aren't good, but I figured there was no harm in trying. I'm expecting the worst but hoping for the best :p
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 22, 2008   #6
Yes, great advice here! I cannot find any errors.. I want to mention that this looks very good to colleges -- when a student shows improvement from poor to good performance throughout high school, that is better than just staying average.

It is noble to admit past shortcomings, but do not elaborate too much.

Good advice from these members, thanks everyone.
OP Nikhil 3 / 7  
Dec 22, 2008   #7
I've removed this sentence: "When I came home from school, I would watch TV and go on the internet instead of doing my homework"

Should I take out more of the old habits, or is that enough? I've also added a little more on my new habits.

Thanks again
Chink - / 13  
Dec 22, 2008   #8
"Be more narrative rather than just stating."

While I generally agree with this statement, I have to say that I rather like the expository tone you took with this essay. By not hiding behind a story, the essay feels much more stripped down, and, therefore, personal. Turning it into a story would cheapen it, I think. Reading this, I feel that reader gets a really good sense of your voice. It's clear, honest, and headstrong. I do not suggest that you change the style.

What I do suggest to you is to attach this essay to the "additional documents" section in the common application, that way every college gets a chance to hear you explain yourself. Many colleges do not have room on their supplements to attach additional information, and this essay sounds important enough to your application that you should make sure every college gets a chance to hear it.
OP Nikhil 3 / 7  
Dec 23, 2008   #9
Oh, that's a good idea! I'm definitely going to do that, thanks for the suggestion!


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