I like my beginning but can't stand the rest of my essay. Please help me out, I'm just really frustrated.
prompt: Stanford students possess an intellectual vitality. Reflect on an idea or experience that has been important to your intellectual development.
There are two prevailing theories regarding the process of evolution here on Earth. On one hand, there are those who support Cuvier and his catastrophism theory, which states that change came about through major catastrophes, such as droughts and earthquakes. On the other hand, there are those that believe in James Hutton's gradualism theory, which states that profound change can take place through the cumulative effect of slow but continuous processes.
I had always believed that my life followed Hutton's gradualism theory, after all, the whole point of my schooling has been to grow and learn each day. However, I have learned that real change often takes place catastrophically, one moment that changes our ideal, perspective, persona for a lifetime, for better or worse.
This theory of change is evident in many aspects of my life, none, though, as prominent right now as my time with Dr. Watanabe, head professor at the UNCW aquaculture facility. I had started my work with Dr. Watanabe as a marine scientist, one that wanted to make a lasting impact on the environment. At the facility, I helped strip-spawn fish, research polymers and their effects on the coagulation of waste particles, and even got to harvest fish to be sold to the local seafood vender. It was during my time at the facility that Dr. Watanabe told me something that I truly found remarkable. He said, "Stephen, if you really want to make an impact on the marine ecosystem, I don't think you should become a scientist. What this field needs is a business savvy leader to take charge and make sure these advances we're making are put to use. Stephen, everything is business."
I was taken aback by his brutal honesty; it came out of nowhere. Yet it made perfect since to me, he had seen how captivated I was by Dr. Dumas, a business professor at UNCW, and my work with him on setting market prices for the fish I had helped harvest. The more I thought about it, the more I realized Dr. Watanabe was right; there are plenty of brilliant marine scientists out there making ground-breaking discoveries every year. However, there is still no leader on the commercial side of marine science to take these advances to market, where they will benefit the national economy and environment.
The effect of this catastrophe: I want to be a businessman with a background in marine science to take the works in marine science and bring them to the public, a champion of marine science in the business sector. Who says you have to be a doctor or a scientist to make a major difference in this country!
Stephen
I don't think the rest of your essay was bad at all! In fact I think the experience is well written. The only thing is that I think your conclusion could reflect more on how the experience helped shaped your intellectual development.
For example: Dr. W's logic taught me to think outside of the box/that you did not need to do things on the straight and narrow path.
I don't know if you understand my point, or if it make sense.
Hope this helps!
Woah I love that, THANK YOU!! I think that will definitely help make the connection stronger.
New last paragraph- not sure if it works
Dr. Watanabe's words made it clear to me that I didn't always have to follow the straight and narrow path my scientific mind had lain before me; I could branch out, combining multiple disciplines, getting creative, thinking outside the box- what a catastrophe. The effect of this catastrophe: I want to be a businessman with a background in marine science to take the works in marine science and bring them to the public, a champion of marine science in the business sector.
This theory of change is evident in many aspects of my life. None, however, are as prominent right now as my time with Dr. Watanabe, head professor at the UNCW aquaculture facility. I had started my work with Dr. Watanabe to pursue my dream of becoming a marine scientist who could make a lasting impact on the environment.
Who says you have to be a doctor or a scientist to make a major difference in this country!
perhaps a question mark instead of an exclamation?
I had always believed that my life followed Hutton's gradualism theory, after all, the whole point of my schooling has been to grow and learn each day. However, I have learned that real change often takes place catastrophically, one moment that changes our ideal, perspective, persona for a lifetime, for better or worse.
both of these sentences are run-ons
suggestion: theory; after all...
catastrophically, and that one moment can change a lifetime of personas and ideals for better or worse
thats so cool!
check my essays?
Stephen
Your quite welcome, and I rather like how you incorporated it.
Dr. Watanabe's words made it clear to me that I didn't always have to follow the straight and narrow path my scientific mind had lain before me; I could branch out, combining multiple disciplines, getting creative, and thinking outside the box- what a catastrophe! The effect of this catastrophe :(since you already mentioned catastrophe you don't need to repeat it) I want to be a businessman with a background in marine science to take the works in marine science and bring them to the public, a champion of marine science in the business sector.
Yet it made perfect since to me
sense?
I see the change in decision coming out, but the topic is intellectual vitality. The essay only states that others have been giving you ideas and you have been accepting them, tho with some conscious thinking. I agree with Zhoek. Place more weight on HOW you changed your decision.
