an East Asian Languages and Cultures major - writing an admissions essay!

I've never been a very strong writer, mainly because how I typically write is how I typically talk, so I'm pretty nervous about this essay. So any help that anyone can give me will be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

Essay Prompt: Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services and cultural experiences. You may enter a maximum of 3800 characters including spaces.

So this is what I have so far. It's unfinished but I would like to know if I'm heading on the right track.

The United States is considered a melting pot of people with different cultures and backgrounds. When you say you are an American, that is speaking in the present tense of who you are today. However, if you were to trace back your lineage, you will find that your ancestors have come from another part of the world. I, for example, have a diverse background of Irish, Scottish, German, and French. Unfortunately, my family never celebrated much of our heritages backgrounds as much as I would have liked. Although I have a lack of culture in my life, it has not hindered who I am, but rather shaped what I strive towards for the rest of my life. I now have a strong desire to experience and be apart of other cultures, and I am especially interested in Asian cultures such as Japan.

By attending Rutgers University I will be able to benefit from their diverse community and be able to experience the blended cultures that thrive through the school. Studying at a university as diverse in cultures as Rutgers will aid me in gaining knowledge and the experience I need to be an East Asian Languages and Cultures major. Considering that my field of study in primarily based around cultures, being apart of this school is very crucial and can greatly increase my chances of success in my future. On the other hand, what I can bring to Rutgers University may not be a specific culture, but an open and willingness to learn and experience other cultures without any bias. I can show other students the joys in other cultures that go beyond the holidays or foods, but also a cultures values and lessons that have been handed down from each generation.

Not sure what this means... consider rewording. Also, you go from "you" to "that" from first to second clause and it makes it awkward.

"To say, "I am American" indicates your current nationality." Idk maybe somethign clearer like that...


Wordy and again weird to read. "my family never celebrated our heritage as much as I would have liked."


Although I lack a cultural background... just a thought but saying you lack culture makes you seem bland, because anythign can be considered to have culture.. "sports culture" "hip-hop culture" and the like...


Poor sentence. you used culture twice, so it reads as repetitive and I would remove and I am and interested in..."especially Asain tradition" also.. isnt it a part not apart? not sure but check that..

MAJOR PROBLEM!!!!!
Read your essay from the point of "Although I have a lack of culture in my life" and count the times you say culture... it is actually ridiculous, and makes your essay terrible (sorry, but its true) you need to find a way to fix this, or you will, not get in. Just read it out loud to yourself and make sure you don't repeat anything too often (also used other in there at one point that bothered me.)

Your ideas are good here, and with just a couple of small tweaks you will have a solid essay, but you need to make those changes.

Wait a minute, you are SUPPOSED to write the way you talk. That is naturalness.

One important thing, though, is to be interesting. You spent almost that whole first paragraph explaining something that is obvious and well-known. Instead of stating that obvious melting-pot truth, ponder it until a brilliant thought emerges. What unique observation have you made from your unique vantage point?

Don't say very crucial, just crucial.

These things you write in both paragraphs are very general, so it is not very meaningful. It will be so much better if you let us in on your specific plans! :-)