Hello! Would anyone mind giving me a little bit of feedback on this essay? I feel like I have the ideas there, but it needs just a bit more development and fleshing out (especially the last part). I'm also not so sure about my introduction... is it too run-of-the-mill boring? Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Prompt: What do you find most appealing about Columbia and why?
As a potential sustainable development major, I understand that global problems may only be solved through open-minded thinking. We must take several different perspectives into account, fusing ideas to reach a better solution. Columbia values this diversity and recognizes its potential. The Core provides a perfect platform for independent thinking, allowing students to discover their own voice, to formulate ideas and put them toward solutions. I want to be a part of that solution.
Stepping onto campus for the first time last summer, it was easy to fall in love. I had once heard Columbia referred to as "an oasis in the big city," but I never imagined just how true this statement could be. I knew that outside the campus gates, on the bustling streets of New York, lay a world of academic and cultural opportunities. However, the campus itself was surprisingly calm and quiet. The pleasant and friendly atmosphere felt much like that of a park. I met with several very friendly and spirit students; they told me how much they enjoyed their experiences at Columbia. Their pride in Columbia greatly appealed to me; at the end of the day, I want to be proud of the school that I attend. I want to feel like I am part of a community. I have visited Columbia several times since that first visit, and with each visit my perception of the community gets better and better. More than anything, I want to join the Columbia community in all its vibrant diversity and progressive thought; to be a part of the solution.
However, the real reason
why I am drawn to Columbia lies not in the location, but in the opportunities in the Core Curriculum.
I only have the one correction. This sounds great! Very clear and precise. Great job :)
1) Adopt a more straightforward and blunt style of writing so that your are more efficient.
Sentences such as the first ("Columbia... love") don't add everything and sound general, and impersonal.
2) Since Academics at Columbia are your primary reason for attending, not the location, you should address academics before location instead of vice versa. I went to the columbia info session, and the admissions officer was very weary of people mentioning that they want to go to Columbia because it is in New York. Not that isn't an appropriate motive or that you shouldn't write about it but mention it secondarily to academics.
3) Also instead of just saying something generic about why you like New York, give the Big Apple a more unique and exciting spin. For example, maybe mention internships, the oppurtunity to discover music- something like that.
Hey! Thanks for your help on my essay.
I think your writing in this is excellent. It sounds really good and polished.
However, I also agree with Michael up there on his third point. Columbia hears A LOT about its location in the city. Add some detail to it and make that part less clichéd.
Otherwise, I think it's great!
I think you focus too much on the location in the beginning. It's like trying to strike up a conversation with a talented actor, the know they are talented, they want to know what you have to offer them. Simalarly, columbia knows it is in New York it knows the Campus is gorgeous. What it doesn't know is you.
you to have identify yourself with columbia. Give the impression that you belong. :) :))
This is the updated version of my essay. I flipped it, so that I talk about the Core in the beginning and the student/campus in the second part. Unfortunately, I am now 16 characters over the limit... which shouldn't be a problem, because I desperately need to restructure the last few sentences. Also, the first paragraph is much smaller than the second - will that give the impression that academics are now [i]less[i]important to me?
I would only say that, considering you have enough characters left, you could add one or two more specifics about the academics--maybe mention a program you want to participate in or what you like about their sustainable development major?
Great essay, though!! :)
Could you take a look at my Princeton essay too? Thanks!
Stepping onto the campus for the first time last summer, it was easy to fall in love.
can you answer my cornell/ duke question in return :)
... to formulate ideas and to put them toward solutions.
Stepping onto campus for the first time [last summer] , it was easy to fall in love. I had once heard Columbia referred to as "an oasis of the big city," but ...
Their pride in Columbia greatly appealed to me; at the end of the day ,(I don't quite understand..you could just say In the end, or After all,) I want to be proud of the school that I attend. I want
to feel like I ambe part of the community. I have visited Columbia several times ever since, and with each visit my perception of the community grows better and better. More than anything, I want ...
you could cut either of them to shorten this).
Overall I like it