Hi, I need help editing my college admissions essay for the Common Application. I'm afraid that the essay is too awkward or clunky, especially the last paragraph. Any help would be greatly appreciated!
Prompt: Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.
"This is Emily. She only eats air, and sometimes treats herself to water."
Snickers echoed around the room. It was the first day of school, and we had to introduce each other to the class, including an interesting fact about the other person. Evidently, my partner thought the most interesting thing about me was my veganism, which meant the label that it came with. When some people find out that I'm a vegan, they assume I am a presumptuous jerk who thinks that she's better than everyone else or they think I only eat lettuce. I admit, I also had assumptions about veganism. Since I had been vegetarian for three years, I thought veganism wouldn't be much harder. "You're strong. You can do this, Emily," I resolved. I didn't anticipate how difficult it would be. As a result, actually becoming a vegan was like a punch in the stomach.
The day after I made my decision, my sister baked chocolate chip cookies. The buttery smell, gooeyness, golden color, and caramelization of the cookies made the feeling of a cookie melting on my tongue that much more tangible. My stomach yelled, "Cookies, cookies, give me cookies!" When I halfheartedly resisted, it turned mutinous, rumbling and growling as if I hadn't eaten for days. I reached my hand out towards the plate, slowly and casually so nobody would notice. My plan didn't work. Smacking my hand away, my sister reprimanded, "If you're feeling weak right now, think about why you're vegan. Don't eat these! Anyway, they don't taste great." Her argument wasn't very convincing because she had crumbs flying from her stuffed mouth, but I took her advice anyway. Mistreated animals, small hen cages, overcrowded pens, I listed silently. Ignoring my stomach, I firmly turned away from the cookies and walked out of the room.
Although they didn't grumble like my stomach did, some people also opposed my decision. Harassment ranged from negative comments to tricking me into eating meat, dairy, or eggs. I often received questions such as: "Are you doing this to lose weight?", "How are you going to stay healthy?", and "As if giving up meat wasn't bad enough, you're now going to give up animal byproducts? Are you stupid?" Peer pressure from others - especially when my adult relatives talked down to me and wouldn't listen to my side - made me ashamed to be different, but it also angered me that they wouldn't take me seriously. I learned that if I wanted to continue to be vegan, I had to be proud of my decision and stand up for myself. When people refused to consider my standpoint and instead tried to shame me, I forced myself to be thick-skinned. At the same time, I accepted that, like me, other people had their own opinions and that I had to respect them.
I'm grateful for the challenges that veganism has presented me. Having crisp bacon, so fresh that it's still sizzling, set in front of me forced me to learn strength and resolve. Relatives constantly doubting my decision prompted me to research facts that I could present to them, and stubborn relatives made me more understanding and accepting. When people make inaccurate assumptions about me, it's a chance to show them my take on veganism. Even more than veganism itself, the situations that veganism puts me in make me grow.
So, when my classmate introduced me to the class, I held my head up high and said, "Yes, I'm a vegan. However, I eat more than vegetables, don't try to shove my views down others' throats, and I am not a hipster. I laugh, cry, dance horribly to music, and have dreams. I'm Emily, and, just like everyone else, I'm human.
Hi Emily
I am not sure if veganism is a correct word , however you have used it multiple times. So may be try to use it once or twice only may be with meat-less, not eating meat, eating fruits . I know there aren't many synonyms for vegans but may be you can change the words like :
When people make inaccurate assumptions about me, it's a chance to show them my take on veganismthat I am a vegan . Even more than veganismnot eating meat itself, the situations that veganism puts me ineating fruits and vegetables make me grow.
Hope it helps :)
Evidently, my partner thought the most interesting thingquality about me was my veganismbeing vegetarian , which meant the label that it came with.
Good luck :)
Emily, overall, your essay is written good.
However, as I go through it, the final paragraph does not really showcase or convey the idea that
you tried to build in the beginning of the essay.
So, I'd like modify the last paragraph to help out.
Last paragraph
- So, when my classmateAs I was introduced me to the class,
- However, I eat more than vegetables, don't try to shove my views down others' throats, and I am not a hipster( this phrase sound off so I suggest to have it deleted ) .
- I'm Emily, and, just like everyone else, I'm human.
As this part of the essay is quiet short, I suggest that you merged it to the paragraph following this and make it one full paragraph.
I hope my remarks helped!
