Hello, could you read my Common App Essay for prompt 1 and critique?
"Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story."
I'll share it as soon as you comment/reply down below. Thank you so much!
Eating dinner alone is a catalyst for growth. Mentally and physically. Mentally because it gave me a chance to think about the day. Physically, because my parents weren't there to prevent me from eating half a chocolate cake for dinner. When I was 14, I ate alone and slept alone in my house every night. Due to layoffs, my parents' work schedules changed and both of them would not get home until midnight. At first, it was a blast. What teenager doesn't love the independence of no parents?
I was thrilled at first. No parents telling me when to go to sleep, when to come home from a friend's house, or what to eat. I could grab a ride with a friend and go to Starbucks everyday if I wanted. And, of course, I did. But sadly, daily $5 coffees and a teenager's budget were not sustainable for very long.
Balancing chores and schoolwork was difficult. But, eating alone and the constant loneliness and uncertainty of being in an empty house became the biggest burden. My parents made sure that dinner was in the refrigerator when I came home from school and that I would get a phone call from at least one of them that night. But, how do you show your parents the science project you got an A on via phone call or what outfit you wore for picture day?
Without my parents at home to clean up after me, I took on more chores. In truth, I hated doing dishes every night and laundry every Sunday and Thursday night, but I felt like an ungrateful daughter if I didn't. Once I got my driver's license, I drove myself to my own doctors' appointments,
extracurricular activities, and bought groceries. I was responsible for taking my diabetic grandmother to all her appointments and making sure she took all her medications the right way because she couldn't read the labels. Double checking that her blood sugar wasn't too low and making sure that all the insurance papers were in check gave me a taste of sweet, sweet adulthood. Going to the pharmacy and trying to buy osteoporosis medication as a 16 year old girl was a doozy. But in doing these things alone, I stopped asking others if I could and started asking myself if I can. I realized that I didn't need my parents' permission for everything I did, so long as I thought of all the consequences myself. With this realization, I found that I could make more decisions by myself and became more independent because of it.
Looking back at my lonely childhood, I am grateful for the insight it afforded me, and, strangely, I am grateful for the challenges that came with absentee parents. Without their absence, I would've never been pushed to do things on my own. I could've easily let my parents handled everything if they were at home with me. But without them, I have learned how to care for others while also caring for myself. I have faced the monsters under my bed, alone, and came out stronger. I know I still have more to learn, but with this, I know I have the ability to adapt to any situation. Without this experience, I would not have become the person I am today.
This is not a bad essay. A few things that I'd recommend is shortening this whole section about your past, focusing an a few key events, and connecting to who you are now (using examples).
Like I saw someone say in an old forum post. "Don't tell me A, B, C, D. Tell me A, and make me able to find D." or something like that. In other words, this essay is too short for you to tell me your whole childhood. If your essay is about how loneliness as a child forced you to mature, give me one or two specific examples and place me into the story. Don't spend as much as you did in the beginning, about how you celebrated having no constraints. It doesn't help at all. In fact, its almost 150 words that could have been put to better use.
Oh, and maybe it's just me, but your diction feels too loose. True, this is a personal narrative more than an essay, but you want to maintain at least some formality. So, no words like "grab a ride", or "doozy". Carpool would work for the former, and it saves you a few words. Also, write out small letters, like 'fourteen' instead of '14'.
Lastly, I understand what you were attempting to do with the "monster under the bed" sentence, but in the context of your poem, it doesn't add much to your conclusion. In fact, if you had omitted it completely, I would have been none the wiser; it would have felt the same.
Basically, I like the general premise of it, and the lessons you learned, but it could do with some reviewing and less generalization. You have the foundation down, though. Welcome to the world of editing...
