Heres a response to the UC app prompt #2. I would really appreciate feedback on this... I'm not sure if its too personal or if i should discuss my eating disorder in less detail or not at all. Please let me know, I will not be offended in any way!! Thanks for the help!! Also, i need to shorten one or both of my essays... the first one i posted about 2 hours ago. Im not sure which one is stronger or which one I should shorten, so help on that would be great as well :)
2) Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution, or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?
At the age of 14, I found myself in a desolate hospital room, with a full tray of food placed in front of me. I looked at my chart with disgust; stated on Axis 1 was "Anorexia Nervosa" and Axis 2 read "Bulimia Nervosa". I glanced over at the mustard packets, which contained zero calories and looked much more appetizing than the large sandwich in front of me. I told myself that I just needed to get through all of this nonsense and soon I would be out of the hospital and back to my life, the way I chose to live it. Little did I know that I would soon be back here, staring at the same white walls and being woken up at 4:00 for the same evaluations. During this time, my grades hit rock bottom, my friends were distant memories, and most importantly, my family had begun mourning the loss of their daughter and sister. It wasn't until I was approaching my senior year of high school that the light in me flicked back on. I regained all of the courage that I had in myself up until my eating disorder, plus much more, and fought the disease for the first time. I succeeded, and the courage that I gained from this victorious overcoming has provided me with immense strength that I will continue to be proud of the rest of my life.
Courage is a very desired trait, which can only be measured from the eyes of the beholder. Maybe you are born with it, and maybe you receive it through life changing experiences. In my case, it was both. Growing up, I always received praise on what a brilliant and tenacious young woman I was. Whether it was sneaking the newspaper and learning to read by the age of 3, holding snakes when no one else dared to touch them, public speaking when I held office at my grammar school, or starting my own business at a young age, I always was a determined and daring girl. In high school, suffering with an eating disorder changed this. I thought I had courage to withstand from food, but instead I had surrendered to the demons inside myself. Realizing this gave me the strength to regain my life. I then graduated from high school and started at Canada College. I needed a new challenge in my life, so I applied and was hired for an internship at Northwestern Mutual Financial Network. I was the only freshman and the youngest intern in the entire bay area. Just to show them up, I completed training and passed the life insurance exam before anyone else in my office.
These are just a few of the many situations in my life where I have displayed courage. I would not be in the position that I am in today if it weren't for this aspect of my personality. Courage enables me to take advantage of the opportunities that life presents to me, as well as seek out those that are hidden. It aids me in excelling on whatever I set my mind to and fighting during hard times. Courage represents the person that I am, the person that I am proud of, and the person that I believe in to achieve all my future goals and aspirations.
Hi Kim,
I separated the paragraphs where separating them seemed necessary, so that it would all be clearer. I also made recommendations for change in bold .
I took apart two paragraphs and made one an intro paragraph. Try it this way and see of you like it.
Courage is a crucial trait that can be difficult to measure. Maybe you are born with it, and maybe you receive it through life-changing experiences. In my case, it was both. Growing up, I always received praise on what a brilliant and tenacious young woman I was. Whether it was sneaking the newspaper and learning to read by the age of 3, holding snakes when no one else dared to touch them, becoming familiar with public speaking when I held office at my grammar school, or starting my own business at a young age, I always was a determined and daring girl. In high school, however, I suffered from an eating disorder changed this. I thought I had been using courage to abstain from eating food, but instead I had been surrendering to the demons inside myself. Realizing this gave me the strength to regain my life.
At the age of 14, I found myself in a desolate hospital room, with a full tray of food placed in front of me. I looked at my chart with disgust; stated on Axis 1 was "Anorexia Nervosa," and Axis 2 read "Bulimia Nervosa." I glanced over at the mustard packets, which contained zero calories and looked much more appetizing than the large sandwich in front of me. I told myself that I just needed to get through all of this nonsense and that soon I would be out of the hospital and back to my life, the way I chose to live it. Little did I know that I would soon be back here, staring at the same white walls and being woken up at 4:00 for the same evaluations.
During the time I spent wrestling with eating disorders, my grades hit rock bottom, my friends were distant memories, and, most importantly, my family members had begun mourning the loss of their daughter and sister. It wasn't until I was approaching my senior year of high school that the light in me flicked back on. I regained all of the courage that I had in myself up until the onset of my eating disorder, plus much more, and I fought the disease for the first time. I succeeded, and the courage that I gained from this victory has provided me with immense strength that I will continue to be proud of the rest of my life.
I graduated from high school and started at Canada College. I needed a new challenge in my life, so I applied and was hired for an internship at Northwestern Mutual Financial Network. I was the only freshman and the youngest intern in the entire bay area. Just to assert myself, I completed training and passed the life insurance exam before anyone else in my office.
These are just a few of the many situations in my life in which I have displayed courage. I would not be in the position that I am in today if it had not been for this aspect of my personality. Courage enables me to take advantage of the opportunities that life presents to me, and also to seek out those that are hidden. It aids me in excelling on whatever I set my mind to and fighting during hard times. Courage represents the person that I am, the person that I am proud of, and the person in whom I have confidence for achieving all my future goals and aspirations.
Good luck in school! Here are some notes I took while making corrections:
The second comma (the comma after the word "room" in the first sentence) is not necessary.
You DO need a comma after the term "Anorexia Nervosa," because is separates the two parts of a compound sentence.
After "Bulimia Nervosa," there is a period that ends the sentence. That period should be INSIDE the quotation marks, like this:
I looked at my chart with disgust; stated on Axis 1 was "Anorexia Nervosa," and Axis 2 read "Bulimia Nervosa."
After 4:00 you can put either AM or PM, to be more specific.
In my opinion, it would be better to change "victorious overcoming" to simply "victory"
Perhaps instead of "Courage is a very desired trait" you might write, "Courage is a crucial trait," or, "Courage is an important trait"...
