Staring at my computer, I brainstorm over my eighteen years of life to seek a clever opening line for my college application essay. What is in front me is still a blank sheet of paper in the "Microsoft Word" Format. Subconsciously, the mouse pointer alone with my hand has already escaped away.
I click to the background, a black haired, round headed Chinese boy stares back at me with his dark brown eyes. That boy is me, eating pizza with a pair of chopsticks. These odd juxtapositions of East and West happen to me frequently. It seems that my internal Chinese roots and external American experience mix together smoothly. I use a coffee maker to boil chrysanthemum tea, put peanut butter in my rice. I'm comfortable with both the confusion of "LunYu" and Plato's philosophy. Combine With this two culture, I am also able to connect many others, I like to hip-hop music, participate a ping pong tournament, go to a Japanese tea ceremony and also enjoy eating Italian food.
On top of the background, there are games, music, movies, and many other different colorful icons occupying almost half of the screen. I hit the one with the famous E shape logo (The Internet Explorer Browser). Google, as my homepage, shows up gradually. When I was a child, I always asked about everything around. My parents would give me a tireless look, and then explain the answers to me carefully. However, as I grow up, my curiosity expands to more fields that my parents couldn't satisfy my desire of learning any longer. Fortunately, there is Google. If I'm concerned about the globe warming, interested in the bailout or even just want to know how to solve a rubies' cube, with only a simple click, I am always able to access to any first-hand information from all over the world. I expect college to be a place like this, too. A place that can amplify my view of world, encourage me to explore all kinds of resources, and constantly inspire me.
I quickly linked to "Facebook" -- my favorite website, where I cherish many pictures. Looking at those vivid imagines, my mind flashes back to memory lane. I remember my first step onto the land of United States at the age of sixteen, the first time I understood a casual English conversation, the first time I went to a football game, the first time I ran in the soccer field with friends, the first time I lay on my bed alone with vain of nostalgia....Those numerous first time traced the footprints of a Chinese boy who left his parent's harbor, started a journey to the other side of the world to pursue his dream. Now, looking at the fluent English message on my profile and the various smile faces on my friend list, my heart is content. Suddenly, I realize that I'm not that Chinese boy who first came to USA two years ago. However, as I continue on this fascinating and challenging journey, there still will be many first times ahead for me to discover and learn. Sometimes I will laugh, and sometimes I will cry, but when looking back, my personal growth will make that all worthwhile.
I click back to background again. This time, in the round headed, black haired, Chinese boy's dark brown eye, I see the inspired, playful and unique self. Consciously, I shift the mouse pointer back to Microsoft Word, start tapping swiftly in the blank of the paper.
Combine With this two culture, I am also able to connect many others, I like to hip-hop music, participate a ping pong tournament, go to a Japanese tea ceremony and also enjoy eating Italian food.
This sentence is a little confusing...just tweak a couple words here and there and you should be good:
With the combination of these two cultures, I immerse myself in a unique mix of activities: I like hip-hop music, enjoy participating in a ping pong tournament, go to a Japanese tea ceremony, and also enjoy eating Italian food.
Seems really well written so far, you have a good statement here!
Thank you so much for you advice.
Subconsciously, the mouse pointer along with my hand has already escaped away.
However, as I grew up, my curiosity expanded to many fields until my parents couldn't satisfy my desire to learn any longer. Fortunately, there is Google. If I'm concerned about global warming, interested in the bailout or just want to know how to solve a rubics cube, with only a simple click, I am always able to access any first-hand information from all over the world. I expect college to be a place like this, too.
I quickly linked to "Facebook" -- my favorite website, where I cherish many pictures. Looking at those vivid images , my mind flashes back to memory lane. I remember my first step onto the land of the United States at the age of sixteen, the first time I understood a casual English conversation, the first time I went to a football game, the first time I ran onto the soccer field with friends, the first time I lay on my bed alone with a vein of nostalgia....Those numerous first times traced the footprints of a Chinese boy who left his parent's harbor, started a journey to the other side of the world to pursue his dream.
I click back to background again. This time, in the round headed, black haired, Chinese boy's dark brown eyes , I see the inspired, playful and unique self.
You are a wonderful writer, I really liked how you set it all up. Also, thanks for the good idea for the tea in the coffeemaker!!
:)
i personally dont like melafires suggestion because he says activities and "I like hip-hop music" is not an activity. Listening to hip-hop music is an activity so if you want to use activities you'd have to say it something like that. I'd say...
Influenced by both these cultures, I am also able to connect with many others. I like hip-hop music, playing ping pong and I enjoy eating Italian food. I took out the Japanese tea ceremony because I can’t fit it in. This is just a suggestion.
This Essay is for my commonapplication and georgia, but I already submitted this on Commonapplication. So if I wana to change it what can I do, can I resend my essay with my transcript???
you'd have to start over everything and i dont even know if you can even do that. Pay over application fee, no need for another transcript. In fact i think you'd have to apply next season
Can I not just mail the new version of my eassy to the colleges. If I can't, it's ok. I just changed few gramar errors. And I still haven't submitt Georgia institute of techonolgy yet. Thank you for telling me that.
Umm well you could probably send them a letter or e-mail them. its worth a shot. Dont know if it will work but you won't lose anything right?
Although I believe my sentence does portray the idea, Stimpsimp's does have a point, and I think that his new phrase is much more well-structured. I apologize for missing the hip-hop music part.
Or... changing the phrase to 'listening to hip-hop music' should do the trick.
Good luck
lol thanks melafire. It happens to us all. I may do worse sometimes lol. Melafire what do you think he should do about his situation since he sent in that essay?
Well..if the CommonApp is sent already there's no way you'd be able to retrieve it, it's part of the Terms and Conditions. You can resend a new application, but I think that'll just make everything complicated as you now have two (don't think the admission people will like that)
I think just letting each admission office know and sending them the final draft would be the way to go if you are still adamant on using your refined essay..just a suggestion.
and while you guys are here...would you guys mind checking out my revised vision of my NU supplement? It's lacking progressive responses and I'd appreciate any help :P thanks in advance.
For the university of michigan, I need write about culture difference under 300 words. And I talked about culture difference on the above essay, can any body help me shorten it or give some idea to make it a essay talk about culture difference under 300 words.
Hey be careful, I read this essay before from the FISKE real college essays work. Although you have made some changes, some of the sentences are copied word from word. It's good to borrow some good sentences, but be aware that the college will use detection software...
Ok I will change those sentence
I only know that you may mail the colleges your new materials by providing your personal information and explain the reason why you are doing this change. That is what I did. Hope this helps.
^^ good luck
Fortunately, there is Google
I'd change that to fortunately there is the INTERNET
Dunno, just a thought, to get away from all the company names...
This thing's amazing though!
the next sentence GLOBAL warming (dunno if somebobdy already picked up on that) with no the before global
and RUBIK'S CUBE, not rubies cube (not rubics cube, as said earlier)
then i think this might be better: I hope my college will be a place like this too.
and...my favourite website, with many pictures that I cherish, sound better to my ear.
i dunno about the imagines either, lol...
Could somebody please please read my BU supplement?? I haven't got a single repsonse, other than myself!
Thanks a lot.
Hey Blis can you tell me more about detection software thank you
I don't think that you should worry about the detection software, just don't copy other peoples work. Even if this software doesn't exist, it will just suck to be rejected because of the fact that you were to lazy to write your own essay.
I think all colleges r using it right now, there were just tooooo much copying... urs is a little bit word from word... I really hope u havent sent it yet. anywayz you should write your own essay no matter what.
Fortunally I really want to go to Georgia tech and I haven't sent that yet alone with few other colleges.
