Eccentric, influential person essay or electricity-generating bike essay?

I'm having trouble picking an essay for the Common App. Which one do you like better? Also, the first is a little over the word limit. If, as you're reading, you can pick out delete-able sentences, please let me know. :-) All other corrections are welcome, too. Thanks for reading!!!

Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.

Last September, Mr. Shimmon began leaping from the corner of one desk to another. Vault, spring off, vault, spring off. He gets two desks in two seconds. What other teacher would have put on a frenzied show to teach his students about the carefully calculated impulses of the body's neurological action potential?

From Day 1, I knew the class would inevitably instill in me a love of psychology. Yet, it wouldn't be until later that I would realize: Mr. Shimmon's inexhaustible passion for his work taught the most important lesson of all.

As a first-generation Chinese-American, I have always been taught to see education as a pre-professional experience. My parents preach practicality, periodically reminding me of the viability of a career in pharmacology. I don't accuse them of not wanting me to be happy and well-adjusted; it's the opposite. In their view, a well-paying job necessarily equates with happiness. It's understandable; my parents used to farm for a living and they want me to be financially secure.

My parents' ideals have helped me become the self-motivated and hard-working person I am today. But those qualities alone do not adequately define me. Mr. Shimmon's approach to education -not a contrasting approach, but a different one- has been necessary to imbue my sense of self with a love for open inquiry. Ever mindful that the educational process matters as much as the outcome, I continue on my path with a balance of pragmatism and love for learning.

At this age, I have infinitely more questions than answers. What will I major in? Will I ever reconnect with my childhood dream of being a part-time ballerina, part-time veterinarian, part-time astronaut? The most important question of all: Who will I be? I want the answer to be: a thoughtful, caring individual who approaches my life with passion, zest and the same amount of energy that Mr. Shimmon expended on that day in September.

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

I am a food snob. I like to grill my fresh figs, topping them off with sprinkles of brown sugar. But I cannot resist Cheeze-Its, ever. I enjoy psychology books; I also enjoy self-help books thinly veiled as psychology books. I love my beautiful city of San Francisco. I use humor in my Yelp.com reviews of my favorite places in San Francisco- Strawberry Hill in Golden Gate Park, Good Earth Cafe, and the SF Botanical Garden. For the longest time, I put off reviewing Cayuga Park, an unassuming gem, beautiful because of its obscurity. I love to sing, but I can't say I'm very good at it. I love whispering along with folk songs or belting musical numbers. I'm not too shy to sing to others, but I sometimes worry that their ears will fall off. It bothers me when people don't use both sides of a sheet of lined paper. We have a collective responsibility to choose the world we live in, and I wish more people assumed this responsibility. My favorite person on this planet told me that, as a young adult, he had contemplated starting a magazine to publish news of good deeds done by others. I thought this was a great idea. It makes me ineffably happy when people choose sometimes thankless jobs like teaching, because they know that unruly kindergartners can, and often do, become amazing adults. My friends tell me my taste in clothing is predictable and boring. If I am admitted to Tufts, you'll be able to tell me if they are right. I prefer having a couple of very close friends to having a large network of semi-close friends. I have a very long list of mockumentaries that I'd like to see. My second favorite person on this planet has been to New Zealand, India, Nepal, Sri Lanka, Guatamala, Ghana, Kenya, Tanzania, and Uganda. He majored in Sociology and claims Pangaea as his home. When he sent me an email about the sights and sounds of India in narrative style, the prose left me breathless. I think I'll start a travelogue of my own experiences, starting with college.

I like this one better because of the humanity you exude, but the ending is stronger in the second essay. For the first, there were only a few phrases that I felt were a bit rocky, not jarring, just not smooth as it could be:


A BIT STIFF HERE.


EXPLAIN IS THE DIFFERENT APPROACH??
keilinger

WORDING:

Thanks, I think I'll change "different" to "complementary."

you sure those values are correct? I thought -70mV was resting potential, unless you're not talking about neural impulses. I don't see how action potential "occurs" at that voltage. unless you're saying it begins...Iono Dx the whole voltage gates open at -55mV. flooding of sodium. lalalala


this was his main influence right? maybe expound more upon this. or just restructure some.


semicolon used incorrectly. another thing. tense keeps changing. psychology...why not talk more about relating with people, that part of psychology that relates to human interaction...then again, I like the bio neuron reference..it just somehow doesn't exactly flow with the influence other than him being a lively, energetic person. though you say that, you only talk about it as an influence minimally.


Why talk about parents here :?


I'm confused here. wordiness too. what do you mean by contrasting approach...and what different one? is contrasting a psych term? I'm still confused even if you use complimentary


the questions are great. yet if you only say that his influence was his energy and zest for action potentials, then make that clearer in the intro/body

Both papers need some work, but I liked the topic of the second better. Then again, for that one, you have to focus more on that one experience, the bike building project, yea? the whole go green intro can be a bit shorter, focus on what happened during this experience. what happened to your green idea? though not really green, its cool :]

Hi, Jonathan! Thanks for your input. I'm still a little unsure about how the ideas in the first essay don't connect.. The reference to the action potential demonstration shows his passion for his work.

I decided to write about my parents a little, to allow the reader to see my world through a wider lens. My point is that "passion" is a hazy concept in my parents' minds. They're more practical, but I've learned that practicality (career-wise) is best when balanced with love for what I'm doing.

Is there some way I can rewrite parts to make it clearer?

From day one, Day 1 I knew Mr. Shimmon's class would...

I guess... I guess I think the last paragraph of the first essay should be more serious. In that last paragraph, you should assert your intellectual intentions and your enthusiasm about mastering your chosen discipline and entering your professional field, etc. Do you think that would make it a more persuasive message for the reader?


Anita, the way you wrote this here is a very nice way to express it!! I even like the parenthetical inclusion of "career-wise"

:-)

Thanks Kevin! I'll think about changing the last paragraph. Which one did you like better, by the way?

I like the first one, because from the first to last paragraph it stays focused. In the second essay, it seems that the first and last paragraphs are about 2 different things... but not too bad! Both are good, but the structure of the first one is stronger.

:-)

Thanks, guys! I feel myself leaning toward the bike essay, because I'm afraid that colleges will see me as a resume padder with no passion for what I do outside of the classroom. Do I need to describe what happened on Smoothie Day, or should I focus on digging deeper in my reflection?

The problem I see here is that you didn't actually mention what the other approach is. You need to mention the other approach or reword this sentence so that this problem could be eliminated.

Now, I believe, though I'm not sure, being practical and being financially-secure are two different qualities.

Does the first essay answer the prompt? Does the second ramble too much? I feel like if I knew where to place the sentences, it would be easier to read. Maybe not.. Any feedback appreciated!

I like the first one more, but I don't know how to explain why! I guess it is because it is very entertaining writing, and that is impressive.

Oh, you mean the bike essay? (That's the second, but I think* it's the one you mean, since the first doesn't seem to entertain as much.)

No, I actually meant the first one, because it starts with excellent narration. vault, spring off. Vault, spring off.

But obviously the second is written well, too. You should be grateful for your talent!

Here are some comments I wrote but did not post because of a holiday-travel complication involving no Internet access:

I think this first one is as good as essays get. I think the reader will definitely be very impressed. Right away I was impressed by your example involving the teacher's demonstration of the capacity of the nervous system. Your observations are very intelligent.

My parents' ideals have helped me become the self-motivated and hard-working person I am today. But those qualities alone do not adequately define me. ---> I don't know how to tell you about th way I feel about these two sentences. They seem incomplete, because you do not explain what you mean about their ideals, what you think of them, what they are, etc. Also, I don't know what you mean when you say they do not adequately define you.

Yes, I think the essays do respond to the prompts quite well, but the first essay requires a little more development of the main idea. That means you should talk about a single, central idea in both the first and last paragraph, and really make sure the reader has the experience of sharing that idea you provide.

For the second essay -- it is so inspired and alive, I would not want you to change anything, even if there was a grammar mistake. It is real, authentic writing, and you have some great talent with words.