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Eco-Protectors; Vanderbilt supp - Extra curricular activities.

thenewdude 13 / 59  
Dec 20, 2013   #1
Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences (Recommended length: 250 words)

In the ninth grade, my best friend and I formed Eco-Protectors - our attempt to address the environmental travails facing our home-town. We decided to tackle the problem of rising air pollution by planting more trees, and over the next two weeks gave two presentations to the xyz Municipality and were promised one hundred saplings of abc. On the following Sunday, about 30 students from our school gathered at my apartment building. Along with some municipality workers - who had graciously agreed to help us on a holiday - we went to two nearby housing societies and had the most wonderful time getting our hands dirty, and getting the local residents - both children and the elderly- involved. This is one of the fondest memories I have and it showed me that if you share your hopes and dreams with those around you, if they trust your capabilities and conviction, people will do their best to see you through.

This is about 150 words long. Can you guys please suggest what else I should add to increase the word count?
OP thenewdude 13 / 59  
Dec 20, 2013   #2
Can someone at least look at this? Come on people!!
admission2012 - / 481 90  
Dec 20, 2013   #3
At first glance this story just does not ring as true. Things just moved way too fast. Not to say that it did not happen, it is quite possible especially if you live in a very small town. However, to remove all doubts, be sure to include pictures of this project. If I were an admissions officer reading this application, I would actually take the time to research this. If after researching, I cannot find any proof of this event, I would flat out reject your entire application. At the very least include a link to a local [paper] write up of this project. -Admissions Advice Online
2014MSETI 2 / 2  
Dec 20, 2013   #4
Ok, I think that you can include an obstacle you surmounted in order to complete your project and what it took to overcome it. This way, you can get closer to the 250 word limit.

"people will do their best to see you through ".------------> I've never heard this expression before, maybe you can change it to something like: People will do their best to help you succeed.

You sound like a native speaker. I wish you the best of luck and thanks for reviewing my essay :)
OP thenewdude 13 / 59  
Dec 21, 2013   #5
Thanks a ton for the honest review. I have two questions:
1) I am not able to post a link to our website, but if you google "Shlok Gilda Eco Protectors", it is the first link. Please please take a look and let me know if it looks alright, because I don't want to get rejected due to no fault of mine. Although we were featured in the local news, I don't have a recording of the news bulletin. Should I contact them and ask for a copy of that piece?

2) You said this sounds unbelievable due to it's fast pace. How do you recommend I remedy that?
Riyasat 5 / 11  
Dec 21, 2013   #6
I personally think that the essay is too short and doesn't flow smoothly while also being a bit too descriptive (monotonous/mechanical). You can try including more about how you felt about and what you learnt from the experience.

I am not a native speaker, so please take my advice with a pinch of salt :).

I myself am also a Vandy applicant. Could you please say whether it would be a good idea to describe am ECA and accomplishment in it as an activity???
akshay1996 5 / 11  
Dec 25, 2013   #7
Although they want you to describe, I think you sort of have to provide more of your own perspective and how the activity really changed. Maybe too much storytelling going on? The topic seems really interesting though.

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