Hi. i am applying U of Illinois as a transfer student. I am an international student.
Please consider my essay as careful as you can, giving some tips and corrections.
ESSAY #1: In an essay of 300 words or less, please discuss your academic interests and/or professional goals.
"Demand and Supply." It was the first lesson I had been taught from an Economics class in my freshmen year of high school. My eyes were full of curiosity. Our textbook was organized with this form: theory and practical example. I just liked Economics, mostly the great feeling of achievement when solving a practical problem by applying the theory just learned. Economics seemed different from other subjects-very practical and applicable. Not only applying a concept in real-life situation, it also let me possess eyes at least to understand how economic factors affected our society and where our economy was positioned on a fluctuating economic curve.
To my mind, an economy is the most fundamental part of any societies. So, an interest in and study of economics seems somewhat indispensible to make our lives more prosperous. I have already come to realize what my future profession should be: an economic analyst. First, I like thinking creatively and thoroughly. It is not my way to solve a problem simply by scratching the surface. Instead, I prefer to think about and interpret something in many ways and from many perspectives. I always pursue the most productive and applicable way of learning about a subject. As for me, if studying something ends up just as accumulated knowledge, it does not seem worthwhile or motivating.
In my future, I want to take a role proving practical solutions that could definitely be used to solve real problems related to an economy. There is a saying that goes, "enthusiasm is the propelling force necessary for climbing the ladder of success." I am sure that I can work as an economic analyst with much passion and enjoyment. To my way of thinking, enjoying one's work is the most effective way to achieve a good result.
# Essay 2: In an essay of 300 words or less, choose one extracurricular activity, work experience, or community service project from the list you provided on the application and explain why you initially chose it, why you continued with it, and how you benefited from it.
Why people volunteer? This great experience gave me the answer. When I was in high school, I had a great chance to participate in an 8-week volunteer program with Minority Communities and Conservation Projects in Northern Thailand, sponsored by World Vision. I wanted to do something extracurricular and progressive. The main goals of the international volunteer program were to work on a publishing project about minority communities in Burma and Thailand, rebuild a bare forest, work for education of minority groups, and help provide better lives and futures. I did not hesitate to participate in the project. Because I applied for a section on educating minority groups, I started working as a tutor-teaching children ages 8 to 12 basic mathematics. Nothing had been provided for their education. Education for these minority groups was very poor, and they were in great need of outside help. The priority for most people living there was day-to-day survival-they seemed to have no opportunity to think beyond that.
I honestly realized I was too weak to change the situation, but I said to myself that I would teach the naïve children so they could change their destiny when they grew up and became the generation leading their society. It was not until this time that I truly understood the real meaning of volunteering. Throughout this experience, I enlightened myself as to why people volunteered, which at first had seemed to offer nothing in reward. It did not take too long to realize I was wrong. People obtain the greatest and most meaningful reward in return for volunteering: sincere smiles from the people they help, full of appreciation. I find myself smiling when remembering the smiles and the eyes full of enthusiasm of the children I met and taught.
The first one is great, very impressive. It is full of meaning instead of the generalities that usually are in this sort of essay. I found one clunky sentence:
I have already come to realize what my future profession should be: an economic analyst.
An economic analyst is not a profession; it is a professional person. You can write:
I have already come to realize that my future profession should be that of an economic analyst.
Why do people volunteer?
Semi-colon:
The priority for most people living there was day-to-day survival; they seemed to have no opportunity to think beyond that.
Here is an idea:
... so they can change their destinies when they grow up and became the generation leading their society. It was not until this time that I truly understood...
I predict that you are going to be an important person during your life. You are a great writer and thinker.
Thank you so much. I honestly appreciate your great reply.
I have a question.
The sentenece on #1, could you give an idea to make it more smooth : Not only ... , it also let me possess eyes at least to understand ..
as reading over and over, this sentence seems just clumsy.
thanks a lot
Beyond just enabling me to apply its concepts in real-life situations, it also provides me with provides me with eyes to see how economic factors affect our society, with its fluctuating ______________. (you finish the sentence)
I hope that helps! Show me if you come up with a good ending for that sentence!
