Edit my Upenn essay (explore your interest)

How will you explore your intellectual and academic interests at the University of Pennsylvania?

There was silence everywhere. The streets were no longer crowded with traffic. All those cars and motor bikes were motionless, in miles and miles long queue for gasoline. I still had forty more minutes to walk down the empty streets all the way to the school while my bulky bag full of books kept hurting my shoulders. Then suddenly I heard a large crowd of people screaming at the top of their lungs. It made me anxious. I was a naive 16 year old kid who got curious as to what was happening. I knew that I was walking because of this fuel shortage but I never anticipated the scale. As I walked closer to the crowd I saw people chanting;"We need fuel".

One might be wondering if we were back in the soviet communist era. The circumstances seems to resemble that era. India had unofficially created an economic-blockade in Nepal because they were not happy with our recently promulgated constitution, pressuring us to change it. Nepal is a landlocked country with mountains and rocky roads in the north, so we have no choice but to depend on our southern neighbor, India, for our fuel. It seemed so unfair that our trusted neighbor was now attempting to manipulate our country for their benefit.

Ever since that incident, I wanted to understand and explore more about politics and economics. I soon realized that the path to doing so was going to a good university. So, as soon as I finished my A-level, I researched the universities that would best fit my purpose. I found that University of Pennsylvania was exactly what I was looking for.

Early in my high school I realized that this ambition requires diplomatic skills, good understanding about the working principles, lots of research, oratory skills and many more. Hence, I began exploring various Model United Nation (MUN) and would like to continue in Upenn adding to its years of MUN excellence. Regarding my academic interests, I could study Business and Public Policy in the Wharton School with Dr. Katja Seim, one of the chief economist at Federal Communications Commission, and learn more about relationship between public policy and economics.

Furthermore, I could become a part of Polybian Society, Penn's Government and Politics Association committing to debate the political issues. Also, the speeches by famous guest speaker in this community would provide me with a practical view from the eyes of an expert. I could go to the Bloomberg terminal to analyze the market trends and proper government actions. I could debate the burning current affairs in the Penn Parli to understand these issues better and contributing to their long list of achievements. Furthermore, I could go to group study rooms to discuss concepts taught in class with my peers. I could write my research papers for Penn Public Policy Initiative to understand the roles of government better. Upenn has absolutely everything I need.

I can still remember that anxious moment as a 16 year old kid. The crowd's chant still echos in my head. At that moment, I felt the urge to help the people suffering but I unequipped to help them. I want to change that. I strongly feel that Upenn is the best place for me to equip myself with knowledge, skills and tools that I want to acquire.

Hi, I think most of your essay doesn't really address the prompt directly. This prompt sounds like it wants you to focus on your future at U Penn, not the past, which is what most of your essay is about. Really only the last paragraph and the last two sentences of the second to last paragraph talk about your plans at U Penn. I think if you include the story about the gas shortage, you need to make it a little shorter and more clearly connect how that story will affect the intellectual and academic interests. You sort of did this when you say "Regarding my academic interests, I could study Business and Public Policy in the Wharton School with Dr. Katja Seim, one of the chief economist at Federal Communications Commission, and learn more about relationship between public policy and economics. ", but this seems very general and doesn't specifically connect your story with Dr Seim's work.

On a side note, I wonder what the prompt's writer thinks is the difference between intellectual interests and academic interests? I think generally these would coincide!

what if I start like then and go on with the rest?

My Friday nights are quite unusual. [...]

This is when I realized that my competence and interest both lies in leadership and economic policies. And, I could one day lead this nation. Thus, my search for the perfect university began. Then, I came across UPenn -- a perfect match for me.

Hi, I think this is an improvement, but I still think the essay is meant to focus almost entirely on U Penn and how its program in particular meshes with your interests. I think they only want to know your background in terms of why U Penn is such a good fit for you. I don't think we are allowed to post links in this forum, but if you Google the prompt of your essay you will find a good article suggesting how to approach this essay topic. Meanwhile, here are a few suggestions for your writing:

... While my friends [are] enjoying the Premier League matches, I prefer to rather sit [at] my study-table with my headphones on listening to the speeches, reading papers and analyzing the government policies. This interest [has especially deepened] since the day when India had unofficially created

... a clear violation of [the] Statute on [F]reedom of Transit 1921,

... And the irony [was] that the Gurkha soldier[s ] who once fought on behalf of India were now dying due to [a ]lack of medical suppl[ies] from ...

... my competence and interest both [lie] in ...

My Friday nights are quite unusual. While [...]

Prajain, your essay shows that you have given profound thought as to how you could best represent a response to the essay. While this is a truly well developed essay, I believe that there are still certain paragraphs that can use further development in response to the question. Take for example, your first paragraph. It seems to be wanting for some more information regarding how you came to the decision that you wanted to become an economic leader in your country. I feel you can do that very well if you will bring up your closing paragraph and turn it into the closing statement of the introduction instead. Don't you think it sounds better when you read the following: "Yet, our politicians stood there either hopelessly or unwilling to solve it. I can still remember that anxious moment ... unequipped to help them. This is when I realized"... instead? All you have to do is group together a single thought process that is currently scattered throughout the essay now.

I would also like you to consider further developing the following portion: "it allows me to design my own curriculum and does not restrict from developing and exploring new interests. " Please give a solid example of how you would craft your own curriculum as an example of how you will explore your intellectual and academic interests at the university. Make sure to show a fun side to this curriculum because it will portray your ability to have fun while pursuing your intellectual and academic enhancements.

Dear Prajain, here are some advices for your writing, feel free to correct my responses,

prefer to sit at my study-table, holding my headphones to listen to speeches, read papers and analyze government policies

This interest has especially deepened, since ... -->
My interest has crossed my mind, since the day when India had unofficially created an economic blockade in Nepal.

And the irony was that the Gurkha soldiers ...-->

also

This is when I realized that my competence ... -->
Therefore, I realized that my (...) and economic policies which lead my intention to authorize this nation in the future

The two sentences in first paragraph are better wrote in past form

Hope you can improve your writing skills,

Regards

Prajain, there is a clearly under developed part in this essay that you need to work on in order to present a more definitive explanation as to how you will explore your intellectual and academic interests at UPenn. Pay attention to the paragraph that indicates:

... In addition, it allows me to design my own curriculum ...
- Add an explanation as to the kind of curriculum you might design and why you feel that it will enhance your educational experience at the university.

... the Bloomberg terminal provides an excellent platform for research on investments, market trends, required government action/regulation.
- How do you plan to utilize this educational offer in order to heighten your academic and intellectual interests?

The group study rooms also serve as a great additional resource for intense discussions.
- Intense discussions regarding what topic? What kind of engaging, friendly, and open minded discussion topics would excite you into participating in discussions with other students?

The response to this essay cannot just be simple. It has to be informative, imaginative, and executable in real life once you attend the university.

Hi, i think you should focus more on realistic goals that attending Upenn would empower you to achieve.

To explore means "travel through (an unfamiliar area) in order to learn about it"

Creatively and critically formulate your essay, please don't in haste..... essay writing maybe time demanding.