Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.
This is a rough draft and I still haven't written a great ending but I wanted someone's advice for a more grabbing beginning so that an admissions counselors would be intrigued to keep reading, Thank you any help is appreciated.
I walked through the hallways of my high school in a nonexistence state of loneliness. I felt alone but in reality, I was surrounded by a crowd of bustling students who were trying to get to their next period before the bell sounded. Something was missing. At this same time last year, I would cross paths with my sister, Angelica. Seeing my sister never ceased to instantly put a smile on my face and it was a part of my school day that I looked forward to. But as you know a lot can change in a year, today I found myself separated from Angelica by a distance of 866 miles. College had finally become a reality for my sister but still remained a mere figment of my imagination. As each day passed, I told myself that today would be the day my sister would return from her prolonged "sleepover" so that we could go back to our daily morning routines. I had officially reached the first stage of loss: denial.
As more days passed, the more I continued to count. Count how long she hadn't been home, spoken to me in person, or nagged me not to lay a finger on her property. I began to visualize her new home in New Orleans, Louisiana, as my enemy. I had reached the second and most dangerous stage of loss where I practiced random acts of aimless anger. Each day it took about three phone calls, two Facetime attempts, and several spammed text messages to finally receive a response back from my sister. By the time I finally got a hold of her, my sister did not even have five minutes to spare before her hectic schedule interrupted us. For me, the distance between us had become not only physical but emotional as well. I longed for the old life that I had been used to for the past 16 years and began to bargain with myself, reaching the fourth but not final stage where I searched for excuses to explain why my sister had left me. Proclaiming a bunch of "what if" statements trying to find a quick solution for my sister to come home as soon as possible, I was glad that the end was near. In the next stage I reached the state of "depression." From the few times I had broken down and received pity parties from my family and friends, my father finally realized it was time to end the separation between his two girls. I packed my bags, hesitant but excited to finally be able to end this only child syndrome I had been experiencing.
As I stumbled onto my sister's college campus and spotted her from across the field, I couldn't stop from smiling. I did not recognize Angelica as the same person we dropped off at the airport a couple months ago. I saw a new light and individual that looked like my sister but had a completely different matured character. Each step slowly closed the distance between us, I felt a sense of acceptance overcome me. I realized that my older sister, my role model, and my missing piece had left but only to step out into the world where she could be independent with her choices and actions to define who she would become. Angie had always been someone that I closely watched over as an example of who I should aspire to be, but the day she left, I became an adult. This year of partial independence gave me the necessary growth and validation to become a more mature person in my eyes and of those around me. Seeing my sister strive in her education endeavors made me realize that an education is the first step in my life as an adult. Now as I walk through the hallways, I am no longer alone. I have my thoughts, my goals, and my realized potential to support me on my my quest for an empowering education.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 Victoria, I know that you only want comments that will tell you how to hook the reviewer into reading the essay. However, I feel that you are not on the right track with your essay presentation because it doesn't really provide the correct information for the reviewer. You are coming across through a majority of the paper as nothing more than a spoiled and bratty child who could not adjust to the fact that your sister left your family abode. You don't need to change the slant of your paper, you just need to adjust the content to make it more of a coming of age story. Right now, its coming across more like you just wanting to throw a temper tantrum because your sister wasn't paying attention to you.
Rather than this presentation, I suggest that you consider reversing the events. Open with the story of how you have become a more responsible adult because when your sister left, you were forced to take more responsibility for yourself. Explain the details of how your sister took care of you and influenced you positively. Then go into a presentation as to how her leaving found you losing your way. Then talk about how you found your way back because you had the chance to visit her and realize how much both of you had changed and how you did not need her guidance so much in your life anymore.
Be an adult in your presentation. Don't be so morose. Being emo in these essays are acceptable, provided you know how to express yourself in a more professional manner. That is all I am suggesting here. I hope you consider my suggestions. Your essay is good, it is the presentation that needs to be adjusted.
@Holt I tried to make some changes with regards to your advice let me know if this is any better when you have a chance, please and thank you so much!!
My sister, Angelica, had always been someone that I closely watched over as an example of who I should aspire to be, but the day she left for college, I commenced my quest for maturity. I no longer had the sisterly company I was accustomed to in my daily life. Each day that passed, prompted me to develop more responsibility for myself. First, it was taking over the chores she would no longer be there to do but as time passed I had to tackle on bigger tasks such as driving myself to school every morning. Slowly but surely, I became a more responsible adult. The biggest challenge was having to transform myself into my sister's absent character. Since Angelica was more than 800 miles away, I would have to be the motivator she once was for me. I would have to be the one to remind myself to feed my cats on time, encourage myself to go to the gym, and be my own confidence booster in times of need. With a part of myself missing, I had not yet figured out how to fill the gap that had now been left wide open. I was at a loss of words, ideas, and strategies to figure out how to replace a person who made such a difference in my everyday life. I now truly understood what people meant when they said "you never know what you have until it's gone." The months where my sister was temporarily missing from my life were some of the most difficult and saddening days I had ever experienced, a time where I had lost my way.
However, things began to shift back into the right direction when I reunited with my other half on a trip to her new home. As I stumbled onto my sister's college campus and spotted her from across the field, I couldn't stop from smiling. I did not recognize Angelica as the same person we dropped off at the airport a couple months ago. I saw a new light and individual that looked like my sister but had a completely different matured character. Each step slowly closed the distance between us, I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders. Seeing my sister thriving in her independent lifestyle relieved me beyond belief. I realized that my older sister, my role model, and my missing piece had left but only to step out into the world where she could be independent with her choices and actions to define who she would become. A change had sparked between us as soon as her flight took off to her new home a couple months ago. Angelica had been pushed into a new environment, far from the reach of all those she was accustomed to, with only herself to trust. While I slowly leaned off how much I used to depend on her guidance for my every move. This year of partial independence away from Angelica had given me the necessary growth and validation to become a more mature person in my eyes and of those around me. We stood there together, reunited at last, but as two new personas. Those who passed us by saw two adults, but all I could see was how far we had gotten on our own. We went from fighting over barbie dolls to debating about who would be the next president. The transformation we all make from childhood to adulthood is so sudden that most would call it nonexistent. Somewhere along the way, we all change into the independent mature adults we are meant to be and for me, my adult life was channeled as soon as Angie ventured off to invest in her future and education.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 4783 Fantastic ! Victoria, you have really come through with this essay. The idea behind how you transformed into an adult because you had to take on more responsibility for yourself and your family is exactly the personal epiphany that this essay needed to become better and more relevant to the prompt. So, we have the response problem out of the way. Good work on that part. However, we now have a new problem facing your essay with regards to the format.
As you can probably see, your essay is currently squished on the page. There are no paragraphs so there are no topic separators existing which would have made it easier to read your essay. You can still place those topic dividers into the essay. All you have to do is read your written work so you can find the parts that need to be separated. Each paragraph should start with a topic sentence so find that topic sentence and use that to start your new paragraphs. Don't forget to press the enter key to create that all too important space between the paragraphs. That is the visual topic divider that will help the reviewer concentrate and focus more on the message of your essay.
I also want you to double check your essay for wrong spelling or mistakenly used words. For example you used the term "off" when the correct spelling and word use should have been "of". Those are just minimal errors that are actually negligible because the language you used in the essay is still clear, understandable, and inspiring. The reviewer will be able to overlook the slight grammar errors in lieu of the overall content of the essay. However, you should still strive to present a grammatically correct paper as much as possible.
