Hi everyone!
If you have time, I would really appreciate it if you would read over/edit my oberlin supplement! Right now it is 400 words, and it needs to be reduced down to 300...also if you could fix any grammatical mistakes that would be great! I feel like i have a lot of borderline run on sentences and repetitive wording. Let me know what you would do to change it! thanks!
OBERLIN SUPPLEMENT
Ever since my parents brought home our Yamaha grand piano, music has played a major role in my life. I was always tinkering away at the keys in grade school, trying to master my scales and Mozart sonatas. I was happy with my instrument, and still am, but as I've grown older and learned from the many experiences that come with age, I've found it difficult to focus solely on the piano. I've grown to love chemistry and medicine, along with literature, philosophy, and mathematics. I can't see myself giving up on any of my diverse interests, so I began to search for a school that would allow me to explore and merge my passion for the arts and sciences.
As you can imagine, when I came across Oberlin College in my Fiske Guide to Colleges, I was beyond ecstatic. Oberlin was just what I was looking for! It is a liberal arts school with a strong science department, an eminent conservatory, and a double-degree program. Oberlin seemed to fit me perfectly. I immediately placed Oberlin at the top of my college list, and with excitement, I delved deeper into research.
As I've read about Oberlin in books, student blogs, and the internet, I've learned this school will do much more than just allow me to pursue my many passions: it will challenge me to question the world. Oberlin houses free thinkers who want to make a difference. I want to join these non conformists and voice my opinion. Oberlin's values, to think outside the box, to believe anything is possible, to ask "why?", and to search for a way to improve the world around us, are things I value in an education. I want to attend a school where I can form intimate bonds with teachers and students who truly care about my improvement as a human being. Through co-ops, EXCO, the Drag Ball, albino squirrels, and the commitment to the community, environment concerns, and diversity, Oberlin creates a fun and positive atmosphere where I will flourish and enthusiastically explore my interests.
My parents have always stressed education as the "highest priority", and I agree that education is of the utmost importance. However, I also believe personal growth and development is just as significant. Oberlin is the perfect chance for me to learn and grow, and through the discovery of my passions and my full potential, I will become the best I can possibly be.
The conclusion sucks but I couldn't really think of anything else when I wrote it. Please edit and get back to me quickly! It's due tomorrow...
Thanks so much!
Ever since my parents brought home our Yamaha grand piano, music has played a major role in my life.
Ever since my parents brought home our Yamaha grand piano, music began to play an important role in my life.I was happy with my instrument, and still am, but as I've grown older and learned from the many experiences that come with age, I've found it difficult to focus solely on the piano.
... looks a bit too lengthy. It's good if you split this into two because otherwise the reader needs memorizing parts which he doesn't like :D
The part in bold letters, I find sort of breaking your smooth flow up to that point. Here's my suggestion;
Without any doubt, I'm still passionate about playing my piano. However, as I was growing older and experiencing new things in life, my interests began expanding to other areas as well.