Hello, I am seeking transfer admissions to the University of Chicago. This is the "extended essay option". The prompt is to "Salt, governments, beliefs, and celebrity couples are a few examples of things that can be dissolved. You've just been granted the power to dissolve anything: physical, metaphorical, abstract, concrete... you name it. What do you dissolve, and what solvent do you use?"
Keeping in mind that this is already submitted, I was wondering if I could possibly get any feedback. Do you guys think it's simply good enough? Does it portray a powerful message? It is original/innovative/unique? What was your reaction when reading this? What feelings/thoughts did it create within you? Sorry, I'm just looking for some honest feedback. I refrained from using high-level vocabulary because I wanted to come across as humble and give the sense that I'm being honest, which I am. I could've used a higher level vocab but I believed it would come across as arrogant, among other things. Hope to hear from you guys soon. Sorry about the length!
Education: Key to Eradication
Learning has always been a passion of mine. Growing up, I remember my mom being
irritated by something. It wasn't the long shifts at work or that she was a single parent, it was me.
I would always bombard her with questions such as, "How do bees fly? How does a car work? If
you cut off your arm, will it grow back?" Finally, the first day of school arrived. It was a happy
moment for my mom and me. I was happy that I was going to learn valuable information. She
was happy to temporarily get rid of me. On the first day, I remember my teacher asked each
student to stand up and introduce themselves. We had to say our name and an interesting fact
about ourselves. When it was my turn, I said, "Hi, my name is Emmanuel and I just moved here
from Mexico!" However, I was embarrassed because I was in the process of learning English. I
must have been unclear to the students since one of them looked at me and shouted, "This is
America, learn how to speak English". After school, I went home crying. Confused and hurt, I
didn't want to go back.
Immigrating to this country has been a beautiful, but frightful experience. I was brought
to America under severe circumstances. My mom escaped economic turmoil and left everything
behind in Mexico. Coming to America at an early age, I immediately immersed myself in
American culture. I was exposed to greasy cheeseburgers and reality television shows like
American Idol. Although I feel like an American, many don't consider me to be. Whenever I
disclose my status, I get two distinct reactions, either people don't care or they ridicule me. In
fact, it has happened that people, whom I have admired, have met me with retribution. I have
been told, "You should go back to your country, you don't belong here," or my favorite, "Your
people make me sick".
Undocumented immigrants have recently faced the scrutiny of the public. Through
personal experience, I know that a majority of undocumented immigrants are like American
families, working hard for a better life. However, through the scope of the media, society is made
to believe that all undocumented immigrants are criminals and that they steal hard-earned
American tax money. Even the word "illegal" is a derogatory term because no human should be
considered illegal. I am constantly defending against these accusations and prejudices because I
have realized the root of the immigration controversy doesn't truly concern matters of the
economy. Plain and simple, the immigration debate is about race and not allowing diversity to be
recognized and valued in our society.
The discrimination against diversity is awful. As a Latino immigrant in America, I have
suffered through name calling, bullying, and most importantly disrespect for my culture. It seems
as though Americans fear diversity because they are so used to their own lifestyles. By
observation, I have concluded that this society expects immigrants to fully assimilate to
American culture. However, I firmly believe that this society would be stronger in helping
immigrants adapt to American culture while still honoring their heritage. The hostile sentiments
against the increasing diversity in our society should be dissolved immediately. An accessible
and effective solvent to resolve these issues would be an "education". In a world that is getting
increasingly smaller, we need to understand others before we can move forward.
I feel that education is the key to eradicate prejudices because it has helped me overcome
misconceptions in my life. Growing up, I refused to call my father in Mexico because all I knew
of him was that he was an alcoholic and had abused my mom. However, one day my mom told
me that he loved me and that he was a sincerely a good man, my thoughts about him began to
change. I understood that he was addicted to alcohol and it was hard for him to control his
actions. I now appreciate my father even though I haven't been able to contact him in years.
Most importantly, I am glad that I gained a better perception of him. Consequently, as my
experiences have shown, an education is an effective resource to eradicate misconceptions,
especially concerning the hostility against diversity.
As a society, we must invasively educate the public about the importance of diversity.
Instead of relying on the biased media outlets, we must stress people to become critical thinkers.
We should focus more on propagating shows such as Dora the Explorer. Shows like Dora are a
great way to reach out to youth and teach them to become respectful of other cultures. In her
show, Dora goes beyond just teaching about basic Spanish vocabulary, shapes, and numbers. She
teaches children about the elements of the Latino culture.
Dora the Explorer has helped my Polish girlfriend's nephew, Peter, learn how to adapt in
a diverse society. As soon as I met Peter, I noticed he was a fast learner. Once he started
kindergarten, I was surprised to hear that he was falling behind the other children. His teacher
said that he didn't talk to his classmates because they were different from him; they were
majority Hispanic. The next time I went to visit Peter, I sat with him and watched Dora. As we
were watching Dora, I told him that she was Hispanic like I was and many of his classmates. I
helped him realize that people like Dora, despite their different skin color and culture, are people
too. After a couple of months, Peter began to make new friends and he improved in his school
work. I still continue helping Peter adapt to this diverse society and I am proud of him for
accepting others different than him.
On the other hand, Parents should cultivate their youth to become critical and tolerant
thinkers. They should expose their children to new cultures to help them obtain an understanding
of other group identities and to interact with people different from them. Ultimately, parents
model the behavior that their children develop. I know this because my mom has been a role
model in helping me understand others. When I first came to America, I didn't realize how
diverse the population was; it was a big culture shock. I didn't know how to react, so I looked up
to her for guidance. Instead of reacting with hostility, my mom eagerly interacted with people
from other cultures, despite the obvious language barrier. Thanks to my mom, she gave me the
courage to embrace and learn from the different people around me.
Overall, communities should educate its citizenry about diversity. In Chicago, I have
personally seen each ethnic community in proactively stressing their heritage. For example,
when visiting ethnic communities such as China Town, I have been welcomed with open arms.
Whenever I visited a little shop, the people have always kindly respected me. They would
answer any questions and the look on their faces told me that they were proud of sharing their
heritage. Each time I felt like I have actually visited their native country.
In the end, each individual should reach out of their comfort zone and embrace diversity
instead of feeling alienating. Personally, despite my open tolerance of others, I'm not perfect.
Sometimes, I hesitate in trying out a new cultural experience. However, every time this happens,
I acknowledge my experiences with prejudice and how much I have learned from others. A
resilient education is the perfect solvent to eradicate any fears, judgments, and misconceptions
people have about other cultures. In my opinion, we must not let America succumb to its greatest
strength---its diversity.
Learning has always been a passion of mine.
I don't like this sentence. It is so simple and... not very meaningful. But if you KILL this sentence and let the essay begin with the sentence about something irritating your mom, that will be interesting.
You made some great points. I hope the reader of the essay is receptive to these truths.
By observation, I have concluded that this society expects immigrants to fully assimilate to
American culture. -------Yes, just recently someone told me about Puerto Rican people in Miami, and he said, "I have no problem with them being here, but they do not see to want to assimilate into our culture. It's as though they want to preserve their own culture." And I was like, "Yeah, that is what I would want to do if I was them!" And really, when I get to visit an ethnic neighborhood, or Chinatown, it is a great cultural experience. So... I don't know why so many Americans fear diversity!
However, I firmly believe that this society would be stronger in helping
immigrants adapt to American culture while still honoring their heritage. ---What do you mean? "Would be" under what circumstances? Do you mean "should be?"
On the other hand,
Parents parents should ...
In my opinion, we must not let America succumb to its greatest
strength---its diversity.---This sentence needs to be revised. the word succumb is not correct here.
In answer to your questions, yes, this is a powerful essay. I think it has a lot of wisdom, and it'll make a good impression despite those two small errors.
Thanks for participating so much at EssayForum!
Your writing is fantastic, but I think you need to focus your essay a little better in order to sustain interest. You start off talking about your "passion for learning", but move on to many other topics, including your culture, your father etc. This is great stuff and I found your essay very touching, but I think you need to cut out some of the "philosophical statements", where you state your philosophy about certain concepts like education and culture (e.g. In a world that is getting
increasingly smaller, we need to understand others before we can move forward.) ; having some of them is great, but if you have too many, you do start to lose the humility that you strove for in the first place.
All in all, a very good essay and I can imagine you at UChicago! If you have time, could you read my letter of interest to Northwestern University (see below). Thanks and good luck!
