Hello! I am attempting to write my Statement of Purpose essay for UT, and I was hoping to get some feedback on my writing so far. I would genuinely appreciate any help that you have to offer!
UT Austin Transfer Essay - Statement of Purpose
At 2 years old, a child has a multitude of synapses; a direct result of the young mind processing all the information that this new life entails. As the child ages, the synapses that are not used on a daily bases are lost due to neural pruning and the ones that are kept continue to strengthen as the child grows. For as long as I can remember, learning has been second nature to me. When I was younger, my father was pursuing his degree in Nuclear Medicine and occasionally, when he would get me for visitation, my father would have to study for a course in which he would always enlist my aid. Together we would pour over diagrams and procedures for hours upon end or, at least, until my bedtime. When the time came my father took it upon himself to ensure that I knew how to read. We spent countless hours studying the great writings of Dr. Seuss as I tried to convert the content on the pages into my spoken language. "El conocimiento es poder" my father would say, "once you know how to read no one can ever take that away from you."
It seems that although my young mind never retained any of the textbook information that I stared at while my father studied, what I did retain was the resolute knowledge that education was the key to freedom.
This mentality echoed within me as I attempted to emulate it throughout my academic experiences and accomplishments. When I was in high school I pursued the International Baccalaureate Diploma. This pursuit required more than the satiation of the IB curriculum, it required that the student also pursue what it is to live a good life through our obligations to humanity. In exploring this portion of the IB Diploma I found myself meeting people from all walks of life whether it be in Texas or the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. Each person that I had the pleasure of meeting had a story to tell. To me, they were faces and names but to other people, they were wives, sons, nieces, uncles, granddaughters, fathers and friends. Throughout my experiences I couldn't help but feel bonded with the people I had met, they had allowed me to peek into their lives and be a part of their story, however small. It soon became clear to me that in exploring my obligation to humanity I had simultaneously stumbled upon a desire to ensure the wellbeing of the people that I came across. In doing this I came to the realization that, while knowledge is power, an education is best used when it is used to benefit others.
The University of Texas at Austin's groundbreaking medical branch provides me with a set of diverse options, infinite possibilities to grant myself an education through whatever outlet I opt. More importantly, to study and work alongside one of America's leading research institutions will provide me with what I have been taught to seek out my entire life: the beginning steps towards the freedom that a higher education can provide.Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,801 
4780 Callie, this essay is a personal statement that does not explain the circumstances that led to your decision to transfer to UT-Austin. A statement of purpose for transfer needs to be based on the reasons that you feel you have reached the end of academic excellence at your current university and then the reasons why you feel that UT-Austin will help take your educational direction even further or in some case, in a new direction.
The reviewer will not be interested in your educational background till high school. Neither is he interested to know what your father has to say about education or reading. The focal point of the transfer essay is to show that you have reached an educational maturity at your current university that requires more advanced training in your field of interest. There is nothing in this essay that indicates that explanation. That means that this essay does not serve the purpose it was written for. You will need to delete this essay and write a totally new one that focuses on a discussion of your educational journey instead.
The educational journey should include a clear discussion of your academic objectives and your professional goals as you see it being further enhanced by the teaching system at UT-Austin. You must also indicate an appreciation for what you have learned at your current university and why you feel that this university has given you the foundation with which you can further increase your academic capacity and abilities as a student at UT-Austin.
Thank you for your honesty @Holt. I have rewritten my statement of purpose and I hope that this draft answers the prompt more adequately.
Upon graduating high school, I felt limitless. I had graduated with as many honors as I could possibly earn and enough IB credit to earn myself a little less college stress. A few weeks after graduating I attended freshman orientation at Baylor University and, while I was wary of attending BU at first, I grew to appreciate the unique nursing track that Baylor had to offer its students. The competitive environment that I felt during orientation thrilled me, academic competition is one of my biggest motivators and I knew that this would help bring me to my full potential. The second day of orientation all students received our estimated fall bill. Once my parents and I received my bill I felt my newfound commitment to BU wavering as those six figures stared me in the face. My parents assured me that financial aid was going to take care of a majority of my tuition and we could take out loans for the remaining amount. I left orientation wide-eyed, although, with a bit of disbelief in the pit of my stomach.
Weeks later we received our official fall bill through the mail and I felt disbelief consume me. Although my financial aid and scholarships took care of a decent portion of my tuition we still had to pay $20,000 for the whole year. Not easily deterred, my family and I applied for numerous student loans and got denied for each and every one of them. I could feel my college dreams slipping away and I was angry. "Why did I work so hard in high school if I wasn't even going to be able to attend college?" I asked myself as I frantically applied to UTA and ACC determined to attend college in the fall of 2018.
Eventually, I received a decision from _______ and although I applied too late to be a part of the nursing program, I attempted to model my classes after the nursing curriculum. While I am ever grateful to ______ for providing me with an education, I feel that my intellect would be better challenged and nurtured at the University of Texas at Austin. Not only does UT have the top-ranked nursing program but, there are also more research opportunities which would give me the chance to branch out and explore different aspects of the medical field, further granting me the opportunity to narrow my medical focus as a nurse. I apply with the intention of becoming the best healthcare personnel that I can be and I feel that the University of Texas at Austin is the only University that will provide me with every resource I need in order to fulfill my intentions.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,801 4780 Callie, the University of Baylor discussion takes up too much of the essay even though you are not transferring to that university. There is no sense in going into great detail about why you did not end up at that university in this essay since you are applying for admission as a transfer student to UT-Austin. It will be best if you summarize the fact that your parents could not afford to send you to your dream school, University of Baylor, which is why you ended up at your current university. Then continue to discussion as to how you modeled your curriculum after the nursing program of that university.
At that point, you can explain that you are now financially capable of enrolling in Nursing school, with the full confidence that you will no longer be deterred by the full tuition bills when you receive it. Then continue to indicate that the reason why you chose to transfer is because of how UTA will allow you to continue your education in the field of study you desire, without breaking the bank the way that Baylor would have done.
Try to be more specific about the reasons why you chose to go to UTA instead of Baylor at this point in time. What stood out for you as a potential nursing student at UTA? Be specific about what made you decide to go to UTA for these studies. These will be the listing of purposes as to why you have decided that UTA will best serve your academic interests at present.
