"my education in nursing" - Entrance Essay for UT - Topic A

I'm making my attempt at applying to UT Austin and have come up with this as my statement of purpose, but it doesn't seem very... statement of purpose...y. :/ I've tried to incorporate my experience into my inspiration for my "purpose," but have I over-emphasized the experience and buried the purpose? Input, please!! :)

Instructions: The statement of purpose will provide an opportunity to explain any extenuating circumstances that you feel could add value to your application. You may also want to explain unique aspects of your academic background or valued experiences you may have had that relate to your academic discipline. The statement of purpose is not meant to be a listing of accomplishments in high school or a record of your participation in school-related activities. Rather, this is your opportunity to address the admissions committee directly and to let us know more about you as an individual, in a manner that your transcripts and other application information cannot convey.

Nursing Passion

I am applying to your institution in order to pursue a bachelor's degree in nursing. My eventual ambition is to earn a master's degree specializing in surgical nursing with a focus on orthopedics in sports medicine. I am very interested in the field of sports medicine because of my involvement in gymnastics. I feel that involvement in this field is incredibly valuable to athletes and that participation in sports fosters the development of many attributes that contribute to producing strong, passionate, functional citizens.

I believe that my experience in gymnastics has had a profound impact on reshaping my life. Early on, my family situation was dismal. My parents alternated between incarceration and disappearance at varying intervals and my grandparents became the primary caretakers for my brother and me when I was seven. I asked to be enrolled in gymnastics classes later that year, and almost immediately the gym was my second home. I feel that the most integral life lesson I learned in the gym was that tenacity and conviction are gratified in many forms. I was constantly pushed to improve and to perfect, which impressed the importance of perpetual progress upon me. I learned skills and routines and earned medals and trophies, but the positive attributes - motivation, drive, focus - that were constantly reinforced are the meanings of those symbols.

When I was fourteen, on October 8, I hyperextended my elbow and tore some ligaments and a chunk of bone off my humerus. Two weeks later, I had my elbow surgically reconstructed. I competed with one arm in three events in the first meet of the season on my birthday, November 19. My teammate won nationals on floor in 2000 with a dislocated pelvis and bone spurs in his heels. From a logical, medical perspective these are things that are highly inadvisable, but it is under these circumstances that athletes inspire people to work to overcome their difficulties.

The idea of fostering passion and dedication in young people, and knowing the outcomes of the presence of these incredible motivators despite a potentially poor life prognosis inspired me to coach. I began volunteering at the gym at twelve years old and was hired three days before my fifteenth birthday as a coach. I coached and competed in gymnastics through high school. When my competitive career began to wane, it was a very significant emotional loss for me. I took a wayward path and waded through milder versions of my parents' torments, minus the legal trouble, and through this struggle my urgent need for progress intensified and I returned, resurrected, to my education. My dilemma was unraveled by my realization that I want to have a hand in prolonging the careers of athletes.

Through my education in nursing, my hope is to enable other people to continue to do the things that they are passionate about and are, in turn, inspirational. Thus, I hope that my role as a nurse will foster the development of individuals who are prepared to come into the world with motivation and an intrinsic quest for progress.

ha ha, I'm intrigued... let's have a look...

I feel that the most integral (choose a better adjective)life lesson I learned


This is a heck of a sentence. Good writing here...

Okay, I think this actually is quite statement of purpose-y. You just need a thesis statement that expresses the truth to which the injury story and the story about your parents add up... what do they add up to? They add up to the theme of the essay, so what is it?

Whatever it is, express it here: I feel that involvement in this field is incredibly valuable to athletes and that participation in sports fosters the development of many attributes that contribute to producing strong, passionate, functional citizens. scratch all this general stuff and say something unique to you, something specific to you. You had this adversity, then you had this injury, and you also had some strong ideals... which brought you to this result. Write a perfect thesis statement that expresses your truth.