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Education system in the US; Brown Sup; Academic environment


br2pi5 10 / 70  
Dec 30, 2012   #1
Hello! I need help with my answer to this question:
Prompt: A distinctive feature of the Brown Curriculum is the opportunity to be the architect of your education. Why does this academic environment appeal to you? (700 characters)

After immigrating to America, I experienced a different educational system, one that gave me the flexibility and freedom to explore new subjects. The system in Spain, although effective, restricted/made me common/got rid of my individuality/generalized me considering my curriculum was decided by the government. What attracted me about Brown University, among other things, was that I would continue to design and take control of my education with autonomy and encouragement. I may know what I want to study but that does not define who I am. I am more than a science major student. I aim to take academic risks without fear of failure for I know I am self-directed. But if I do fail, I know I would have the options to rebuild it/my design.

I'm having trouble choosing the right words to say. I want this to be unique, personal and easy to read. If you have any suggestions, I would really appreciate it! This is my first draft so PLEASE feel free to be honest!
OP br2pi5 10 / 70  
Dec 30, 2012   #2
anyone?? bumpp :)
OP br2pi5 10 / 70  
Dec 30, 2012   #3
please anyone??? I'll revise yours!
runnerb 2 / 5  
Dec 30, 2012   #4
The system in Spain, although effective, restricted/made me common/got rid of my individuality/generalized me considering my curriculum was decided by the government.

i like restricted the best

have the options to rebuild it/my design

i like rebuild my design

This is very good, from what i can see, there are no grammar errors. It is very descriptive and I can clearly tell why you like Brown's academic program.
OP br2pi5 10 / 70  
Dec 30, 2012   #5
This is very good, from what i can see, there are no grammar errors. It is very descriptive and I can clearly tell why you like Brown's academic program.

Thank you so much!! Anyone else?? :)

ALSO, could you please tell me your opinion about this:

Prompt: How did you find out about Brown? For example, from a person, publication, campus visit, etc.? (300 characters, currently at 300 or 301 depending on which word)

It was my friend's Brown T-shirt what first caught my attention. Similarly, wishing to one day become a physician, I was hooked/drawn by the strength and close relation of Brown's Biology Department with the Alpert Medical School, the vast undergraduate research opportunities and range of courses offered.
OP br2pi5 10 / 70  
Dec 31, 2012   #6
This is very good, from what i can see, there are no grammar errors

should it be after 'emigrating' to America or 'immigrating'? Also, is this phrase well-written ---> The system in Spain, although effective, restricted me considering my curriculum was decided by the government.?

What about this one ---> I aim to take academic risks without fear of failure for I know I am self-directed?
whitezebra 7 / 20 3  
Dec 31, 2012   #7
I think you should stick to immigrating, but honestly the words are basically the same, so it's up to you.
I like both sentences, they're really well written and get the point across clearly. good luck!

if you could check out anything of mine, it would be greatly appreciated!
OP br2pi5 10 / 70  
Dec 31, 2012   #8
if you could check out anything of mine, it would be greatly appreciated!

definitely will! :) thanks for your feedback!

could you also please take a look at my main essay---> 'EDITED VERSION'
CTHIMENYOR 1 / 13  
Dec 31, 2012   #9
After immigrating to America, I experienced a different educational system, one that gave me the flexibility and freedom to explore new subjects. The system in Spain, although effective, restricted/made me common/got rid of my individuality/generalized me considering my curriculum was decided by the government. (restricted me and got rid of my individuality this is because my curriculum was dictated by the government) What attracted me aboutto Brown University, among other things , was that I would continue to design and take control of my education with autonomy and encouragement. I may know what I want to study but that does not define who I am, because I am more than a science major student. I aim to take academic risks without fear of failure for I know and I am self-directed. (I am someone who is self-directed and aims to take academic risks without fear of failure) But if I do fail, I know I would have the options to rebuild it/my design. (re-do it my own way)

Red marks are grammar problems while blue marks are ways to make it sound better.
This essay is very good and will definitely stand out at Brown.
OP br2pi5 10 / 70  
Dec 31, 2012   #10
This essay is very good and will definitely stand out at Brown.

Thank you so much CTHIMENYOR! That's great to hear :)

If you have time, could you please check my main essay 'EDITED VERSION'?? I would really appreciate your feedback since it's due in 1 day eeek!


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