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"education is useless because it dulls our personalities." required supplement

z4evafoolz 7 / 31  
Dec 26, 2009   #1
Prompt: Which of the academic communities and social communities that now comprise the University of Pennsylvania are most interesting to you and how will you contribute to them and to the larger Penn community?

Since the beginning of high school, I have unnoticeably built a love for music, and the gap between us only got closer and closer progressively. I look to pursue this affinity to music in the University of Pennsylvania as an undergraduate. There are many musical communities that I can participate at UPenn, and I can contribute to them in many different ways. Penn Symphony Orchestra is something I could partake with my 12-year experience on the piano. I jolted when I heard that Penn's Orchestra previously performed my favorite classical music: Tchaikovsky's Swan Lake. A Penn Rock Band is something I could create with my passion for the guitar, the drums and my culturally unique style of composition. Penn Symphony Orchestra is something I could partake with my 12-year experience on the piano. I have also heard about the PennJazz. Learning jazz -- one type of music that I did not pursue during high school -- at UPenn is also an opportunity that I would like to pursue.

With the help of my experiences, my passion for musical instruments, and my creativity, I can contribute to the larger Penn community. I have composed a diverse range of songs throughout my high school life, most of them performed by me and my closest friends in small events. I am willing to help middle or high school students with compositions, or maybe even teach them directly how to play a few musical instruments. These are two of many ways in which I can contribute to the communities of Pennsylvania.

In addition to the social communities at University of Pennsylvania, I would also like to participate in Penn international business volunteers (PIBV). Through UNESCO and International Club at high school, I have developed a strong interest in international predicaments, and I have developed a thorough knowledge about business with the help of higher level IB course: Business and Management. It is for this specific reason that I find PIBV as the most interesting academic community that I want to participate in. PIBV aims to benefit those in need outside of University of Pennsylvania by utilizing business skills. I am willing to contribute to PIBV by putting the business theories that I have learnt from school into practice. I can also contribute by participating in projects like enhancing infrastructures in developing countries with my experiences of helping those in need throughout high school.

One key component in PIBV is raising awareness about the importance of international economic development. Should I join PIBV, I wish to help raise this awareness to the larger Penn community by, for example, screening documentaries about international NGO's, or organizing a state conference about business responsibility. I can also contribute to the wider community by showing them how they can combat poverty as working professionals or globally-engaged citizens. Teaching and raising awareness, as we all know it, is ultimately the best contribution to give to anyone, including the wider Penn community.

Out of many opportunities available at the University of Pennsylvania, the musical community and the International Business Volunteers interest me the most. Through my special talents in music and the dedication and knowledge for business and international issues, I am willing to contribute to the two communities I have mentioned, to the larger Penn community, and even to developing countries and those who are in need.

Any feedbacks would be nice, positive or negative!
Oh and please check my JHU supplement too!
srandhawa 10 / 157  
Dec 26, 2009   #2
First off, never say in conclusion, big no-no, your basically sending hte message i don't know what to say but if i were to say something here it is, im sure thats not what you mean, but thats a big turnoff. This essay is too long first off, too many ideas for a supplement, your trying to do too much. I would focus more on the music than the UN which doesn't really add to your essay, you just rehash the obvious in the end about UN and don't show anything special, basically i went to a UPENN conference and i could contribute to Penn UN if i came here. Your music para is better but add more towards penn music, you talk about your music communities, do a better job of relating it to penns social communities and whatever ones are relevant to music. Make a more direct connection.

Your quote is also awkward at the beginning, its generally just a better idea to make do w/o quotes at beginning of essays unless they are very provocative and profound(and this one isnt), and the theme of the quote is never related for hte body of the essay except for a little of a conclusion which seems more forced than anything as a i said earlier. You have a passion for music, make that the true focus of your essay from the intro throughout the body and how you'll contribute to penn, and talk a little about the academics (I know i said focus on one thing like music, but relate it in someway to academics, this is after all an academic instittuion), and i think you'll have a much better essay.

Good luck, think you could read my updated version of my essay COMMON APP FOR DARTMOUTH AND OTHER SCHOOLS thanks alot
OP z4evafoolz 7 / 31  
Dec 26, 2009   #3
What I don't get is... is it necessary to talk about academic AND social communities? If i had the choice, I would have only done social communities and talked a lot about music. The prompt does say social and academic and it was necessary to talk about one academic community.

As for the quote, I agree with you, it was stretching it and you picked it up right away, so i guess it doesn't really fit.

If I were to take the UPMUNC out, what could i say for academic community?

rebel2k10 - / 1  
Dec 26, 2009   #4
Just scanning over your essay one thing I noticed is that you don't sound too sure of yourself. Don't use words like "could" just say "I will..."

The paragraph on music is good, but I think that your next paragraph on model UN is not as sincere. It just seemed to me that you picked a club you took leadership in and said that you want to join a club similar to that at Penn. I don't feel the passion for it like I do in the music paragraph. Maybe you should think about researching another academic organization related to your major or other interests. If you are trying to major in international business or something like that there are lots of other clubs on international affairs just look at the Penn student life website for help

Good luck
OP z4evafoolz 7 / 31  
Dec 26, 2009   #5
Ok, thanks for your feedback, i changed my format.

I'm currently rewriting like this:

Music intro
musical communities at Penn & international business academic community at Penn
How I can contribute to both communities
How I can contribute to the larger Penn community through this

I'll post up the edited essay here as soon as possible, if you could have a look at it!
OP z4evafoolz 7 / 31  
Dec 26, 2009   #6
This essay is my worst by far... any helps please T_T..
Dbarrows1 - / 9  
Dec 26, 2009   #7
I think you could take out the line "and the determination to put in 100% effort". Its too lengthy and unnecessary and it sounds somewhat childish. I would remove that line and replace the word passion with dedication if you really wanted to keep the idea.

I'm also not too keen on the intro paragraph, particularly this line :Missing out on any one of them would cause a tremendous inconvenience to my auditory sensors. It just sounds like you crammed as many sophisicated sounding words as you could. Dont use "In short"; its pretty much the same thing as "In conclusion". You can just start your final paragraph without them and it sounds fine.

Overall, i think you repeated yourself a lot throughout the essay. Lots of times, you repeated a certain theme, just in different words. I noticed that you mentioned that joining IBV would help those in foreign nations in a couple different paragraphs when it wasnt necessary.

With my UPENN essay, I focused more on how i could contribute to said community. You did do that but only sporadically imo.
srandhawa 10 / 157  
Dec 26, 2009   #8
auditory sensors?? what? Where did that come from? i know your talking about music, but thats just awkward phrasing, no need for it.
Your worrying too much, first your like this is def better now your saying your essay is def. the worst yet. My best advice would be realize how little impact essays play in the role of admissions. There are far greater factors, GPA, Test Scores, EC's, Teacher Rec's, amongst other things that play a bigger role than essays, realize you can write a great essay and it still might not have any influence on their decision w/ you. You'll be fine, even if your essay is medicore and you have top grades and test scores, you still will have a shot.

Anyway, as for the essay, this is better, more focused, but i would still try to add a thing about academics. You might find that it detracts from your essay, that it loses its focus as a result of adding the academics in, but i would still try it, again, PENN is an academic instiution, there decision to take you will be based on your academics first before your ec's so i wouldn't just ignore how penn is an academic fit for you. I would take your whole thing out about business also, it doesnt add much about you, just the purpose of hte clubs your in which wont help your essay at all. I still say you would be better off talking more about UPENN music and how you could contribute to it, i know you talk about how you contribute, but what you say seems kind of vague, saying i can contribute with my speical music talents and unique such and such isn't enough, show don't tell.
OP z4evafoolz 7 / 31  
Dec 26, 2009   #9
This is a revised paragraph about 'how will you contribute to the upenn and to the wider community'. I have modified the conclusion as you suggested (:)), but this part needs more help i think!

With the help of my experiences with piano and my passion for other musical instruments, I can contribute to the musical communities at UPenn. My knowledge about international issues and my dedication to put a few business theories into practice would also help the IPBV community in the university. I would also be more than joyous to assist the larger Penn community by sharing my creative side of the brain. I have composed a diverse range of songs throughout my high school life, most of them performed by me and my closest friends in small events. I am willing to help middle or high school students with compositions, or maybe even teach them directly how to play a few musical instruments. As for IPBV, consulting non-profits and NGO's and enhancing the infrastructures for long-term sustainable growth to combat underdeveloped parts of Pennsylvania would not only add to my experience, but also help the wider Penn community.

Any feedback would be nice, positive or negative.
I tried to make it as direct as possible. I think it's improved...
Dbarrows1 - / 9  
Dec 26, 2009   #10
Its ok but it seems crammed. You go on about all these different things and how you can contribute to them but its not really in depth. How does you entering IPBV help the greater penn community? or to your own experience for that matter? do you feel a change in attitude? you didnt really go in depth about it. Plus, stick with talking about music then go on about international communities-you kind of switched back and forth here. Its a decent essay for sure but not the kind UPENN really wants.
OP z4evafoolz 7 / 31  
Dec 26, 2009   #11

Hang on, isnt PIBV an academic community? I did a thorough research on this one, and i'm not willing to take it out.


I agree, I'll add more depth to it. And about the back and forth with music and PIBV thing too. Is there anything more that I need to fix?
Dbarrows1 - / 9  
Dec 26, 2009   #12
I would add more to how you can contribute. You established why they are interesting to you well enough already. For example, establishing a upenn rock band is fine but it isnt really a wow factor. Upenn might already have a myriad of school rock bands already (IDK, im just speculating but do you get my point? it isnt super special that an ivy league school would be like yeah this is a great reason why we shoul take this applicant in). Is there something special about the music you create? Is it culturally different or something? Not too sure about the Upenn Jazz. It seems added in at the last minute but you can keep it.

I look to pursue this attraction to music in University of Pennsylvania as an undergraduate:

In addition to social communities at University of Pennsylvania, I would also like to participate in Penn international business volunteers (PIBV), as one of the academic communities at UPennthis last part isnt necessary .

Well, thats all the revisions I can think of for now until you post your revised essay that is. Also, I hope dont sound too condenscending either. Bear in mind that even if you dont have a OMG WOW Essay, if your still academically qualified, you still have a shot. Good luck :)
JLovesCake - / 1  
Dec 26, 2009   #13
Hello David, I'm a friend of Ahnsik and I'm replying to the post because he got suspended (he doesn't understand why!). He sent me this revised version of his Upenn essay to be replied here...



Edit: my name is Jessica, if you need my name :)
srandhawa 10 / 157  
Dec 26, 2009   #14
hey my bad, if the PIBV is an academic thing, then your right, i didn't research it, i still dont know though if the whole business idea ties into your essay, but your call, if you feel its important, id think about expanding it, specifically the academic portion of it, if it really is important to you you should def. make it more of a focus. good luck
Dbarrows1 - / 9  
Dec 27, 2009   #15
I think that the essay is much better than before. Its more focused than before. Could it be better yes. I think taking an academic route to the essay might be better but its his call. As for why he got suspended, I think it was because the title of the posting was very vague.

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