Hey, I am requesting some feedback on my response essay. I want to make sure it sounds real and not robotic and if you think it has a nice flow
Please tell us about your educational goals, your interest in the chosen program and your reasons for applying to UW
After spending countless hours trying to find the perfect program, the University of Waterloo's management engineering program intrigues me the most. I never wanted to specialize in one field as I aspire to become a well-rounded student and understand how different engineering and business aspects correlate with having multiple routes for later alterations in my employment. Other programs across Canada under the industrial engineering spectrum did not fascinate me due to the lack of courses in the curriculum connected to software engineering and finance compared to management engineering. The competitive and driven atmosphere, being surrounded by bright minds every day, and the ability to fast-track my career utilizing Waterloo's world-renowned co-operative education system, made it an easy decision to apply, and it would be an honour to attend this prestigious institution.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 10,923 3562
The response you have given is uninspired, common, and in need of more academic goal focus. You have to speak of how your educational goals align with the requirements of the department you wish to attend at Waterloo. How does your future ambition or desire to invent as a student merge with the co-op system The interest in the program should be reflected by the academic goals and your desire to be inventive, curious about all things mechanical, electronic, and data driven, along with a personal desire to grow as an individual within the Waterloo community. Clarify your academic goals because right now, you are not presenting any to the reviewer. Deliver an explanation of your personal choice for the course and university as the opportunities are presented within the community and curriculum. Since this is a word limited statement, you need to focus only on the academic / educational goals and how these goals will best be served by the Waterloo experience.