My native lauguage is not English. I am a transfer applicant.
Please help me with this essay. Any grammar error, structure, organization suggestion, please point them out.
I really appreciate all of your help!
^!^
In English, describe your educational interests and goals, educational background, special interests, and plans for when you return to your home country.
Back when I was six years old, my mother one day came to the topic that our country is not so rich. Innocent as a child, I asked: "Why don't we print more money to become rich?" Then when I was ten years old, I remember my grandmother complaining that the price of tomatoes has risen. Perhaps because my delay in growth, I came up with a question, which now seem so ridicules: "How could all tomato sellers raise price at one time?" You will not believe me, five years later, I told my grandfather, an economy and philosophy professor: "I want to become an economist!"
(Is this paragraph better as the beginning? or should I keep the above one?)-->(Born in a small town next to Beijing, I was always curious about why the gap in wealth between my home town and Beijing is so huge; born in a developing country, I was always confused by the gap in wealth between us and developed countries. Since all human beings are born to be equal, why couldn't I change the situation to let everyone share the modern prosperity? "Be the change you want to see in the world", applying for the University of Minnesota is a part of my change)
Upon eighteen years old, I chose economics as my major, hoping to find the answers to my childish questions in mind, hoping to find the way leading to my career goal. Before I made the final decision to choose economics as my major, I have known one thing: to become an economist, you don't have to be a talent, but you must have the combination of a mathematician, a historian, a statesman and a philosopher.
Now as looking back over my shoulder, I appreciate the fact that I received my primary and secondary education in China and expanded my education at joint program between International College at Beijing of China Agricultural University and the University of Colorado Denver. I regard these as the best miracle that ever happened to me. I am proud of my education background, and I hold a belief that I have the potential to make a difference in economics.
First of all, mathematics has always been one of my favorite subjects. As a fundamental and essential status in economic analysis and decision, my solid foundation of mathematics assists me a lot to solve economic problems. Moreover, the International College gave me internationalize perspectives. (+more?)Besides, I served as a volunteer for Global Partnership Education Conference, a student representative for visiting dignitaries of University of Colorado, and once had a part-time job as an oral English teacher in a technical secondary school and the New Oriental School which is the most prestigious language school in China. Presently, I work as a teaching mentor in my college. The dramatic ranges of social activities allow me to communicate and exchange knowledge and wisdom with excellent professors from all over the world. The work experience gave me a chance to impart the knowledge I gained in college to Chinese students.
Lou Chenghou and Zeng Dechao, professors of CAU and academicians of the Chinese Academy of Sciences and Chinese Academy of Engineering who have significantly boosted the economy and scientific growth of China, graduated from the UMN. The friendship and high level of academic research of University of Minnesota, which I admire, make me yearn for being a part of her. （Is this paragraph neccessary or should I forget about it?）
Now, I, a motivated girl, thirst to go there to chase my professional goal and self-realization in this prestigious school, in terms of experiencing a different culture, meeting the top masters in the field, absorbing knowledge. After college, I will go to graduate school and then back to China. I would like to continue my study and research in the field of economics especially about international economy. There will be a chance for me to impart the knowledge I obtained to Chinese students who hunger for knowledge like me now, to bring internationalized perspectives and prosperity to my home country. I target my final goal to devoting myself to enforcing the collaboration between Chinese and American economists, to build a more intimate relationship between Chinese and American academic research, to becoming a top economist and virtually shoulder the global responsibility and missions as an economist--- to let everyone share the modern prosperity, so that to accomplish my personal goal in my whole life.
When I was six years old, my mother told me " our country is not so rich." I asked "w hy don't we print, I don't know, I think you should reword it somehow, more money to become rich?" When I was ten years old, my grandmother complained "t he price of tomato went up!" I asked "h ow could all tomato sellers raise price at one time?" When I was fifteen years old, I told my grandfather, an economy and philosophy professor, "I want to become an economist!"
I think that you may need to start over with the introduction.. the whole dialoge idea doesn't get into my mind, I think it sounds somehow boring while you need attention getter to make the reader want to continue reading.
I hope you get what I am suggesting..
GOOD LUCK :)
Don't say "think outside the box". Much too cliché!
Just a tip.
Thank you very much. I'll take your suggestion.
What do you think of the rest part???
The questions you asked as a child are so profound! They represent a very strong part of this essay!!
Use " " marks:
When I was six years old, my mother told me: "Our country is not so rich. I asked: Why don't we print more money to become rich?"
You are really smart to begin the essay this way.
To become an economist, you don't have to be a talent, but you must have the combination of a mathematician, a historian, a statesman and a philosopher.(need a transition here????move to the next paragraph??or cut?)------ move this up to reinforce paragraph 2. It is a great opening line for a paragraph.
Put the last 2 paragraphs together as one long paragraph. A fat conclusion paragraph is great.
:-)
Thank you for your suggestion, Kevin!!
but the beginning seems to be a little controversial. Some said it was really good. some said it was boring and so childish. Some suggest me to be more academic and strict instead of dreaming and fantasing. I don't know how to do with it...
Well, the part about the questions you asked as a child was pretty impressive to me, but everyone is different.
One thing you could do is condense the material that makes up that second paragraph and then add a little to it to express more about your intellectual/career goals. By doing this, you will immediately compensate for the childhood reference at the start and make the essay very serious.
Ok,really a good idea!
thank you~
EF_Kevin
I revised this essay, could you please give me some more suggestion and critiques? I don't know whether it becomes better now?
Upon turning eighteen years old, I chose economics as my major, hoping to find the answers to my childish questions in mind , hoping to find...
...to become an economist, you don't have to have talent, but you must...
Now, as looking back over my shoulder, I appreciate the fact that I received my primary and secondary education in China...
Moreover, the International College gave me internationalized perspectives.
I would like to continue my studies and research in the field...
My goal is to devote myself to enforcing the collaboration between Chinese and American economists,...
Thank you, Susan.
Which paragraph do you think is better as a beginning???The first one or the second one???
Perhaps because my delay in growth of my naivety , I came up with a question, which now seem s ridiculous : "How could all tomato sellers raise price at one time?"
I think the first paragraph is excellent and very interesting. I think you should keep it this way, with this beginning.
Write like this:
You will not believe me, Five years later, I went to my grandfather (an economy and philosophy professor) and told him: "I want to become an economist!"
