What attribute of your personality are you most proud of, and how has it impacted your life so far? This could be your creativity, effective leadership, sense of humor, integrity, or anything else you'd like to tell us about. (*) (200-250 words)
Draft 3 (Polished but long)
I was never a born leader; I used to be a reticent boy who lacked the confidence to look people in their eyes. Ironically, I was born in a world where leadership, above all other valuable skills, was a necessity for me. I had no choice but to adapt gradually and learn to lead.
First came self-leadership. In a school where bad habits like skipping classes and smoking were prevalent, I had to fight the urge to succumb to peer pressure while maintaining a good relationship with others. It required constant self-awareness and management, and plenty of communication skills. I also realized then that leading oneself is the hardest thing to do, and that leading others would come easily after that.
Being the eldest son in my family, I was given the responsibility to lead and take care of younger siblings. I took it as an opportunity to experiment leadership techniques I learned from reading. However, I felt it was my sincere love for my little bro, not the tips from great leaders, that ultimately pushed me to become the best role model for him. This was when I learned that I needed not only knowledge from books but also passion from heart to become a good leader.
At school, I was always chosen as a class monitor because I usually scored highest in class. (It was quite an irrelevant method but I benefited a lot from it.) I quelled my initially shy nature to live up to the needs of my new role. Later, I became comfortable enough with my leadership role to become a member of the school council and then the president of the Math 4 Life club, where we shared challenging math problems with friends and juniors, and together, tried to view life's adversities in different ways.
Throughout my journey to cultivate effective leadership, I went through a gradual transformation from "a quiet bookworm" to a sociable and confident person in my community. In addition to promoting personal growth and self-esteem, effective leadership has also helped me strengthen bonds with people around me, and given me unprecedented gratification: nothing can compare to the joy of knowing that our team made it to the National Math Olympiad or the comfort after successfully organizing the annual awarding ceremony. Leadership is a brilliant face of my personality and something I will continue to nurture in my life. (398 words)
Final, acceptable draft:
Hesitant and shy, I was never a born leader, but I grew up in a world where leadership was a necessity to succeed. My personality adapted to the needs of its environment..
First came self-leadership. In a school where bad habits like skipping classes and smoking were prevalent, I had to fight the urge to succumb to peer pressure while maintaining a good relationship with others. It required constant self-awareness and management. This experience made me realize that leading oneself was the hardest form of leadership. Next was downward leadership. Being the eldest son in family, I was given the authority and responsibility to lead and take care of younger siblings. I took it as an opportunity to help me grow my leadership skills. Then came peer leadership at school. I was always chosen as a class monitor because of my scores. I quelled my initially shy nature to satisfy the needs of my new role. As my leadership skills developed, I was later elected as a representative of student council and the president of Math club.
Throughout my journey to cultivate effective leadership, I went through a gradual transformation from "a quiet bookworm" to a sociable and confident person. Besides promoting personal growth and self-esteem, effective leadership has brought great fulfillment to both me and my community, such as the joy of knowing that our team made it to the National Math Olympiad or the comfort after successfully organizing the annual awarding ceremony. Leadership is a brilliant face of my personality and a skill I will continue to nurture in my life.
NOTE: Italicized phrases are those I am unsure of and want to replace.
Did my response answer the question? How does it sound? Does it lack something? How can I improve it?
The messages I want to give to admission officer are:
1. I'm a capable leader.
2. How well I lead.
3. The benefits for me and others
Well, it's a good essay and successfully delivered your messages. However, this is a very common topic that the admission committees would have read in many other applications. Maybe you can find another topic?
I can see that you put some effort in writing this essay. It's a well written essay, but it seems to me that throughout the essay you are explaining how you became a leader rather than answering the questions, which are how and why you are proud of that leadership and how did that leadership impact your life? What benefits did it bring?
Suggestion
Leadership made me stand out in between my peers.
College readiness.
Self-reliant
Benefited my community (be specific as to how).
