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Efficiency of human with respect to social class (Common app essay)

Browny 1 / -  
Sep 17, 2019   #1

a perfect human

In terms of math and physics, efficiency of a machine is the quotient of dividing the ‎output over the input. Where the closer the number (quotient) gets to 1, the more ‎efficient the machine; in other words, a machine that has an efficiency factor of 1 ‎‎(practically doesn't exist) is a perfect machine. The reason such perfect machine ‎doesn't exist is due to other factors (friction, energy transformation into heat, etc.) that ‎always work to reduce the efficiency.‎

Do you think that the same concept can be applied to humans? Can the efficiency of a ‎human be calculated? We said that there are three major factors: input, output and ‎drawbacks. Let's postulate some points in order to apply the same concept on humans. ‎We, first, have to determine what these factors define in human life. Input: the chances ‎a human has through his life; output: what s/he accomplishes, and how s/he makes use ‎of the chances available; factors reducing efficiency: inappropriate education, ‎insufficient time, and money.‎

My parents weren't the perfect couple. There were always fights and long nights of ‎crying and screaming. Sometimes mom just travel in the middle of something big like ‎our school exams or something and then me and my brothers have to go along with it ‎and do everything in the house from cooking to washing and cleaning. It ended up with a ‎divorce, at least for my parents. However, for me, it all started there. ‎

After the divorce Mom moved on to live in a different government. So now my school, ‎my father, and my mother each exists in a different city. Every week I go across the ‎country traveling between the three places. At first, I felt like I am lost in the Bermuda ‎triangle, didn't expect that I will find my true self there. ‎

‎ Middle-class people are the luckiest among all classes, they represent the interface ‎between all different layers of community. I was lucky enough to be part of middle-class ‎people. In my transportation most of the time I would use the train, with its different ‎classes. And that gave me a chance to examine the different nature of human ‎character.‎

I have engaged in many conversations with people I have never seen before. I ‎have literally talked with every single class of the community, educated or not, poor and ‎rich. The Two and half hour talking to someone that you don't know anything about and ‎you will never see again, which made these conversations unique. People were never ‎afraid of telling the truth and didn't try to hide anything.‎

One of the conversations that really came to my interest started with a cigarette. I was ‎taking a late midnight classic train. On a classic train you don't expect the ‎travelers to ‎be wearing suits or anything fancy, this is the laborers train. Three People - they don't ‎know each other‎ -‎ started a conversation when one of them wanted to light a cigarette. ‎The other two men who look older, told him to throw that cigarette away. At first, it was ‎strange, the two men started telling the cigarette man about their experience, about ‎different drags they took. A very long list of tablets, powders, and drug injections. They ‎were telling the young man how cruel this road can be and that in order to protect his ‎family and beloved ones he should never take that road. ‎

I was sitting there thinking: this is the part of the community we consider contagious! ‎These men were trying to help, even after a long day of work, in the middle of the night, ‎on a train. These conversations opened my mind to the truth, that the humans are all ‎the same at the core, but the environment they live in is what dampen their spirits. You ‎can't judge someone because of the way he looks, how much money he has, or even his ‎education. Does a man starting the graph of life from zero make him less than another ‎how already has a big positive y intercept? Absolutely not, maybe the one started from ‎zero is actually growing exponentially while the other has a slope of zero. I have met a ‎lot of uneducated people and all of them always talked about their unstoppable thinking ‎of educating their children, what ever it costed them.‎

Maria - / 1,099 389  
Sep 18, 2019   #2
Welcome, Browny! I hope you have been lurking around and enjoying what we offer in this site. If you have additional queries, don't be afraid to reach out to us for more information. This will certainly be of help to the community!

Firstly, I would opt that you try to structure your first paragraph (even the succeeding ones) with more structure and definition throughout. I have noticed how the first portion of the text lacks that ease of writing. While it is generally alright for informal content (such as what I am doing) to have commentaries enclosed in parenthesis, it would be deemed as inappropriate and informal for essays such as this. Bear this in mind at all costs.

Now, having said that, the latter portion of the text lacks fervor and being tied to reality. Use more real-world examples and sprinkle them throughout. This will certainly stretch your writing to appear a lot more formalized throughout. For instance, in your third and fourth paragraph, try to merge all of these thoughts from your personal life and create a more insightful and yet concise written account on how this has affected you.

Precision is key when writing. Best of luck.

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