It was a sunny day. I was playing my usual position, third base. Everything seemed normal until the opponent's batter hit a high ball to my base. The outfield player was too far. I screamed: "Got it!!" adjusting my glove and my position. The sun was shining too brightly as I tried hard to keep my eyes open. Then all I could see was white. I moved my glove out of position to have a clearer view. Bad move. The ball disappeared, only to appear again with a huge crash on my thigh. I kneed down, hearing laughing from our opponents. My face was burning, from the heat of the sun and the sinking feeling in my chest. Suddenly, I heard cheers from my teammates: "Nice try, Cheryl". They then rushed to my side with our coach. Making sure I was fine, the referee gave signal to continue the game. My face was still burning, from the heat of the sun, and the heat of determination. My teammates, my strength and passion for softball were here. There was no need to doubt my ability and myself.
You have a few grammatical errors but the main thing that I see is that your sentences all seem very choppy. I know there's a word limit, but I would try to put some sentence variety in there.
Also, you're telling more than you are showing. Like, you say "was" a lot and you should try to avoid saying that too much.
The sun was shining too brightly as I tried hard to keep my eyes open.
Could be changed to
I struggled to keep my eyes open as the sun beamed brightly on my face.
I would try to put more like, emotion I guess into it. Instead of saying
My face was burning, from the heat of the sun and the sinking feeling in my chest.
Maybe you could say something like
My face burned as embarrassment overwhelmed me.
Something like that, I don't know.
Good luck!
Hey thanks a lot!!!It was really helpful!!!
I really had a hard time with the word limit, but I have tried to fix it. This is the new version
In an unusually sunny day, I was playing my usual position, third base. Everything seemed normal until the opponent's batter hit a high ball to my base. Seeing that the outfield player was too far, I screamed: "Got it!!", feeling excitement flowing through my body. Adjusting my glove. I struggled to keep my eyes open as the sun beamed brightly on my face. Then all I could see was white. I moved my glove a bit to have a clearer view. Bad move. The ball disappeared, only to appear again with a huge crash with my thigh. I kneed down, hearing some laugh from our opponent. My face burned as embarrassment overwhelmed my mind and body. Suddenly, I heard cheers from my teammates: "Nice try, Cheryl". They, along with coach, then rushed to my side. Making sure I was fine, the referee continued the game. My face still burned, but from the heat of the sun, and the heat of determination. My teammates, my strength and passion for softball were here. There was no need to doubt my ability and myself.
Does it sound any better?
yeah, i wonder if you could cut a sentence and replace it with your love for the sport.
Angela
That's a lot better! Good job!
Seeing that the outfield player was too far, I screamed: "Got it!!", feeling excitement flowing through my body. Adjusting my glove.
I think you missed something there? I would take out adjusting my glove or add something to that sentence like "Adjusting my glove, I..." or something.
It was a sunny day and I was playing my usual position, third base.
Everything seemed normal until the opponent's batter hit a high ball towards me .
The outfield player was too far away, and I screamed: "Got it!!" adjusting my glove and my position.
I knelt down, hearing laughing from our opponents. My face was burning, from the heat of the sun and the sinking feeling in my chest.
After making sure I was fine, the referee gave the signal to continue the game.
There was no need to doubt my ability or myself .
:)
Kevin
Thanks so much for the comments guys!!!
