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"Elaborate on one of your Extracurriculars: Public Speaking" - Common App


clandarkfire 2 / 1  
Jun 11, 2011   #1
Hello all, this is a rough draft of the short response question on the common app: Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences.

Any feedback, regarding grammar, content, or other thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

The curtain parts and I take a single step forward as my name blares from fifty speakers and resounds through the crowded auditorium. Five hundred pairs of eyes follow me across the stage. I come to a halt and survey my expectant audience for a moment that seems like an eternity. The incessant beating of my heart drowns out the unintelligible murmurs of the crowd, its volume rising until it is deafening.

And then, I begin.
My voice begins as a whisper, barely reaching the nearest rows of the enormous amphitheater. But then, slowly, it gains strength, surging forth in waves, echoing off walls, resonating through the air, and flooding every corner of the auditorium with sound. Five hundred pairs of eyes watch, transfixed.

I took up public speaking in seventh grade in an effort to overcome the fear that enveloped me every time I gave a presentation to my class. I suffered many a nervous breakdown in the early phases of my speaking career, but, as I continued to force myself to attend speech club and compete in speech and debate tournaments, I gained confidence and skill that allowed me to win state titles in public speaking, and, in this case, present speeches to organizations like the Oregon Teachers Union. I have grown to love public speaking and, as president of the Speech and Debate Team, have made it my mission to impart my passion for elocution on other young minds.

I finish my final sentence and take a bow, but the crowd remains mesmerized for a long moment, until a single "clap" is heard somewhere in the audience. At once, the spell is broken. Applause.

I appreciate your time and suggestions. :)
Kareem

snowfairy10 2 / 2  
Jun 11, 2011   #2
I suffered many a nervous breakdown in the early phases of my speaking career, but, as I continued to force myself to attend speech club and compete in speech and debate tournaments, I gained confidence and skill that allowed me to win state titles in public speaking, and, in this case, present speeches to organizations like the Oregon Teachers Union.

Your essay was beautifully formed but there are a couple sentences that are not portrayed clearly. To me its not but otherwise your essay was perfection.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Jun 13, 2011   #3
The curtain parts, and I take a single step forward as my name blares from fifty speakers. and resounds through the crowded auditorium. ------- I did 2 things. I added a comma, and I deleted some words that made the sentence too long. They watered it down. Leave the reader hanging at the word SPEAKERS. :-)

Below, I don't know if the change makes it better or not, but I want to show you how the IMPACT of the sentence is increased when you express the same idea in fewer words:

Five hundred pairs of A thousand eyes follow me across the stage.

The incessant let's not call it incessant. All heartbeats are incessant while you're alive. Use a different word...

Snowfairy is right. You are such a poet! Very cool stuff here...

Great use of the word TRANSFIXED. I don't think I have ever typed that word until now... transfixed. Thanks for expanding my vocab!

:-)


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