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"The elderly Korean country folk on the bus" - Commonapp essay - about myself


yenna 9 / 23  
Dec 29, 2010   #1
So I decided to write another essay for the commonapp but I'm not sure how good it is :)
Feedback on ideas grammar and other stuff..I'm not too sure how I feel about it. I'll write back on your essays too. thankkkks

My entrance onto the Korean bus marked the beginning of an ultimate stare down.
The people staring: The elderly Korean country folk on the bus.
The target: Me.
"Why is everyone staring at me" I thought. Cautiously I felt my face to make sure nothing was on it but there was nothing that could possibly attract attention. Next I looked around to find there was nobody else standing except for me. "It can't possibly...ohhh." The strong impact of realization hit like a tsunami wave: who knew my physical appearance would attract this much attention

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abatado /  
Dec 29, 2010   #2
My entrance onto the Korean bus marked the beginning of an ultimate stare down.
The people staring: The elderly Korean country folk on the bus.
The target: Me.
- Interesting, but a little awk

"Why is everyone staring at me" I thought. Cautiously I felt my face to make sure nothing was on it but there was nothing that could possibly attract attention . -make sure to put commas after prepositions

Next, I looked around to find there was nobody else standing except for me. "It can't possibly...ohhh." The realization hit me like a tsunami wave: who knew my physical appearance would attract this much attention?

There is nothing abnormal about my features- brown hair, hazel eyes, yellowish skin, short height, slightly small eyes. In most places I can usually blend in fine; however, South Korea is not one of those places - especially in the rural country areas. When I realized why everyone was peering I felt lava-like redness rise to my face and dashed towards the nearest seat.

The reason I attract these curious stares is because I am different from most Koreans- I'm only half - need better word, which I forgot XD . My mom is South Korean while my dad is a Caucasian military unnecessary man making me look exactly what I am - mixed - again, better word choice.

Before moving to Korea I never felt different because of the diversity in the U.S. Initially excited about my move to Korea (my dad received orders from the U.S. Army) I was ready to embrace my Korean side, but as I kept being subjected as "the white girl" I just wanted to fit in. I know you want to explain your situation with details, but some of them make your essay awk.

Whenever people would assume I couldn't speak Korean and ask me questions such as "What's your name" in English, I wanted to hide. My shy and diffident personality at the time did not help either. Often times I just wished I was full Korean so I wouldn't have to be stared at or have Koreans kids to talk to me in English. My confidence slumped and for the 4 years I lived in Korea I never fully adjusted and disliked my difference.

After living in Korea I moved to a small military town in Southern Arizona which had a very diverse community. Here I thought I would fit in but on the first day of school kids assumed right away I was Asian. I couldn't believe it - there had to be a place where I could fit in.

However, there is a 'happily ever after' in my life story. Instead of trying to find a place I could fit into I tried fitting in myself. I decided that being biracial - that's the word i was looking for! - fragmentation

was something that set me apart from others, something that made me special, something I should embrace. Instead of trying to avoid the situation, I was put in where I was subjected as one race or the other I proudly just stated "I'm Asian- and Caucasian." By changing myself I settled into my new life easily. By fitting in and changing myself I realized I could fit in anywhere.

I am now proud that I am both half Korean half white - limit words. I am proud I can speak both English and Korean. I am now always willing to teach classmates Korean phrases. I'm proud of myself. I can now hold my head high and not down in embarrassment. I now know that because I can't change the genetic makeup I have to change my psychological makeup. I am now willing to put my now bubbly self and my differences out into the world and adapt to the situations I am put in. I have embraced my two races, both my cultures, both languages, and both my worlds.

Now I am ready to face the elders on the Korean bus with a smile instead of with awkwardness - delete
. I can now confidently walk the streets even with people staring - I'm ready to face what I feared to before. I'm ready for something new.

Phew second essay I helped today... PLEASE EDIT MY ESSAY TOO... I want to submit it by the end of the day today... good luck and PLEASE HELP!!!
aiswim 4 / 28  
Dec 29, 2010   #3
I really liked this essay.
It's a unique topic and I think you did a good job of showing that you learned something from the implications of being biracial.

The only thing is the ending sentence. I don't really see how "I'm ready for something new." relates to the rest of the essay. Try to think of something really powerful and you'll be all set.

Please help me in return!

Best of luck.
OP yenna 9 / 23  
Dec 29, 2010   #4
Thanks guys :)


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