Sweating uncontrollably and considerably out of breath, I sat down on the dark green park bench to catch my breath. The frigid autumn air attacked my lungs as I gasped for air like as if there is no air left on Earth. Glancing at the calm and barren park, I stared in disbelief at the trees and looked at how they have adapted change. The leaves rattled which created outlandish sounds as I closely observed this desolate park. The park was mind-boggling quiet as I could hear my own thoughts replay in my head. Nobody was screaming "goldfish" at the repugnant chess tables, nobody was screaming foul at the top of their lungs on the slightly-slanted basketball courts, nobody bellowed "your it" in a game of tag, and nobody howled "cracks" in a game of handball. At that moment I felt alone and I was in complete disarray.
Without warning, I was approached by this elderly woman, wrapped in a puffy dark black coat and checkered scarf shielding her white head. Her dark brown eyes piercing from her tilted glasses and whitening smile had enticed me. As I looked upon the perennial woman, I saw that she was much older than I originally thought. Her fragile body seemed weak and exhausted as she walked toward the bench I was sitting on. Her brown and carved skin looked like a discarded and ancient paper bag left in the back of the closet. Her eyes shielded by her oddly-shaped eyeglasses, over the years, had grown dull and cloudy as though she had seen too much suffering. Using her worn out cane, she grinned loudly as she put pressure on her right leg to sit right beside me. As she spoke to me, her angelic voice captivated my attention as I was fixated on her every word that came out of her dry mouth. Her child-like attitude and her cackling laughter made her seem as if she was in her early teen years and made me forget about my loneliness and the stresses of life.
We spoke for hours about life and the harshness of reality. She told me how much she had to endure during her childhood when her parents were taken away from her and that she had to take multiple jobs to take care of her siblings. She told me how much she wanted to receive a college education as she silently began to sob. I clenched her right hand tight in mine and let her emotions run into my healthy body. She reminded of the old days where kids would never take anything for granted and accepted everything they had.
This aged women told me something now became my motto in life. She told me in a rambunctious tone "lives your life to the fullest, no matter what the situation is". She told me that life is too short and that it is much too precious to throw away. This astute woman continued telling me that be being open-minded. She also told me try all the different foods, even if you don't like them at first, respect everyone equally no matter who they are, and educate yourself as much as you can because people with the greatest amount of knowledge go farther in life. Most importantly, she told me to face life head on. "Always keep a positive attitude, no matter how difficult the situation might get". She told me that life is full of struggles and you have to face life head on. "Life is a never ending roller coaster my child" as she walked away in the darkness of the park.
please read my essay help is very appreciated and please give honest feedback and check for any errors...thank you very much
Sweating uncontrollably and considerably out of breath, I sat down on the dark green park bench to catch my breath. The frigid autumn air attacked my lungs as I gasped for air like as if <-I'm sure you didnt mean to, but choose one or the other. You cannot use both "as if" and "like". there ischange in tenses is a little strange. "Was" should replace "is" no air left on Earth. Glancing at the calm and barren park, I stared(here, "glancing" and "stared" kind of contradict eachother. Glances are fleeting, stares linger. in disbelief at the trees and looked at how they have adapted to change. The leaves rattled which "The rustling* leaves" would sound better here. created outlandish sounds as I closely observed the desolate park. The park was mind-bogglingly (you need an adverb) quiet as I could hear my own thoughts replay in my head. Nobody was screaming "goldfish" at the repugnant chess tables; nobody was screaming " foul" at the top of their lungs on the slightly-slanted basketball courts; nobody bellowed "your it" in a game of tag; nobody howled "cracks" in a game of handball. At that moment I felt alone and I was in complete disarray.
Without warning, I was approached by an elderly woman wrapped in a puffy dark blackdark and black together are a bit redundant. You could use one or the other. coat and checkered scarf shielding her white head Perhaps you could specify that she has white hair. This part confused me as I didn't know if white was describing her hair or her skin . Her dark brown eyes pierced me from her tilted glasses, her whitening smile had enticed me. As I looked upon the perennial woman, I saw that she was much older than I originally thought. Her fragile body seemed weak and exhausted as she walked toward the bench I was sitting on. Her brown and carved skin looked like a discarded and ancient paper bag left in the back of the closet. Her eyes shielded by her oddly-shaped eyeglasses, over the years, had grown dull and cloudy as though she had seen too much suffering. This sentence kind of contradicts what you said earlier about her eyes being "piercing". Using her worn out cane, she grinned loudlyHow does one grin loudly? perhaps you meant "grimaced" as she put pressure on her right leg to sit right beside me. As she spoke to me, her angelic voice captivated my attention and I was fixated on every word that came out of her dry mouth. Her child-like attitude and her cackling laughter made her seem as if she was in her early teen years and made me forget about my loneliness and the stresses of life.
Nit picky stuff like that. :/ This is a rough draft yes?
Overall it was very sweet, and I understand what you were going for in the contradicting descriptions, but you want to be careful not to contradict yourself on the same things.
Good job, and good luck!
thank you very much you were very helpful and yea i will definitely watch out for the contradicting statements
Sweating uncontrollably and considerabl y out-of-breath , I sat down on...
At that moment, I felt alone and in complet e disarray.
She reminded me of the old days...
Thanks, Joanne, for the great work you did here. Jeet, I hope all the schools accept you!
:-)
