i know this is vary long it is 810 words i hope you dont get bored its just that my English is vary bad and it is not my first language i dont wright that much and they rarely give us English at school. please give me advice as that i dont wright essays in English that often . this is my first draft.
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I might seem like a normal kid, with unconnected facts and talents, this essay is intended to connect the dots and stick every thing together in the past essays
The Human race is immortal: we've invaded space ,crossed seas , demolished entire mountains, turned night into day, we've turned sea water into drinking water, we've given life to barrens wastes, and taken it away from luscious lands, Which no other species can. Man is truly a unique creature, no wonder God asked Satan to bow down to Adam. But what makes us most different is our ingenuity and creativity. We create in order to survive. We create our own environment to match our needs
This creativity is what makes us the dominant species. This trait, unique to us, leads some to become engineers and others to become scientists. Those who become engineers create, while the scientists study that which has been created.
I choose to become an engineer because I want to create. I want to change the world around me. I come from a country in the Middle East where water is scarce, temperatures reach 52 degrees Celsius, plain sand cover most of the land. Although most people might consider my country; the Kingdome of Saudi Arabia, to be a barren wasteland, Saudi Arabia is one of the most important places on Earth. Containing 30% of the entire worlds' oil reserves, Saudi Arabia is one of the leading energy producers in the world. However we cannot drink oil; water is scarce, our unemployment rate is above 30%, and beggars roam the streets. Saudi Arabia with all its might and potential is a third world country. The only thing we are good at is burning oil. But already kids in my district suffer from breathing problems because the water distillation factories that are nearby; Pumping CO2 in the air, and above all Saudi Arabia lack's the green that acts as a natural filter to clean the air. We are already facing drought and climate changes.
The world is changing, bit by bit; mankind has finally realized that it is time to change its ways of producing energy. As a result the world is shifting its energy resources to more renewable energy, such as wind, hydro, and nuclear fusion.
I feel that my country also needs to embrace green energy in order to move forward. To me, my country is not a mere empty desert but rather a goldmine for energy. Geographically speaking, Saudi Arabia receives some of the most energy from the sun. With so little cloud cover, and so close to the equator, it is the perfect environment to produce solar energy. In fact if Saudi Arabia utilized its full solar potential, we could produce 14TWof electricity on a daily basis. This extraordinary amount of energy is more than enough to meet the worlds demand for energy..
I feel that I have the potential to do it .Ever since I was a child I explored the world around me. I played with small bugs and insects , I was most interested in how things worked and how these manmade objects helped benefit our lives .I was most interested in electronic devices taking toys apart, which pulled me into the field of electronics and electrical engineering.
My love for electrical engineering started when the internet first entered Saudi Arabia in 2001. My dad bought my older brother his first computer in 2005; since we do not have public libraries in many parts of Saudi Arabia, and we didn't have one in Jeddah my hometown, I spent most of my time on the computer exploring the world from a screen. My love for computers grew as I did, and I became more interested in how the hard ware worked I began playing around with circuitry; later I harbored an interest in and programming microcontrollers.
I was always different from my five other siblings, I was a middle childe being always neglected, my parents attention was mostly on my older siblings for being the first born and the younger ones for needing more attention. I was barley even part of the picture; As a result I was pushed into reading to fill my free time. I was always different from kids at school I was unique, but being unique in my community doesn't make you special it just makes you easier to being pointed out. For instance when I was a child, I sometimes talk about what I saw on Animal plant and my peers would talk about what the scores in the match where in the night before. hence this made me different and the kids in my community made fun of me pushed me around and some time beat me up, although I never won a fight I always kept my head high, knowing that someday things well be different.
My dream is to be the founder and CEO of the largest energy producing company not just in my region, but throughout the world .Since my country has the potential, my goal is not just to help improve my country, but to improve energy production methods and help the world as a whole.
Ok im going to fix up some errors and rephrase some sentences, but i'm not gonig to touch the flow or structure of the essay. I'm too caught up in what needs fixing on a small-scale to see what needs to be done with the essay as a whole; maybe once you fix whatever errors I and others find, someone could give you tips on structuring (if it needs it- as I said, I'm not sure whether it does or not after 1 glimpse through).
"I might seem like a normal kid, with unconnected facts and talents, this essay is intended to connect the dots and stick every thing together in the past essays"
Is this part of the essay? If so, i think it's unneccesarry.
1st para
The human race is immortal: -Use a colon to start the list
-take out the brackets in the first sentence- its a sentence with shock value, don't ruin that by saying that it has shock value =p
-with all your commas, have the comma RIGHT AFTER the last letter of the previous word (no spaces) then a single space before the next word (so it's like "hi, you" not "hi ,you" or "hi , you")
-turned night into day , and day into night ,
-turned sea water in to drinking water
-we turned hot to cold, and cold to hot - maybe take this out since the list is getting long, and you mention controlling environment later
-we've given life to barrens wastes , and taken it away from luschious (forests? rainforests? lands? pick something to go in here)
-unlike most species -"which no other species can"
-"no wonder god asked satin to bow down to Adam" -capitalize religious figures, and maybe its just me (im not very religious) but this doesnt make sense to me. oh and it's Satan, not Satin
-period at the end of the paragraph
2nd para
"This aspect; creativity, is what makes us dominate. Because of this trait some of us choose to become engineers. Engineers use this trait in order to create, unlike scientist, Engineers create, however scientists study the created."
-"This creativity is what makes us the dominant species. This trait, unique to us, leads some to become engineers and others to become scientists. Those who become engineers create, while the scientists study that which has been created." -i tried to fix it up a little, feel free to use my wording or adapt it your own way, but i feel mine makes more sense
3rd para
-"I come from a country in the M iddle E ast where water is scarce, temperatures sometimes reach 52 degrees Celsius, and p lain sand cover most of the land."
-"Although most people might consider my country, the Kingdome of Saudi Arabia, to be a barren wasteland,however Saudi Arabia is one of the most important patchesplaces on E arth.C ontaining 30% of the entire worlds' oil reserves, Saudi Arabia is one of the leading energy producers in the world" - this was a bit of a run-on sentence, so i cut it into two
-"H owever we cannot drink oil;water is scarce , our unemployment rate is above 30%,and beggars roam the streets"
-"We are already facing d rought and climate changes ."
4th para
"The world is changing, bit by bit; mankind has finally realized that it is time to change its ways of producing energy. As a result the world is shifting its energy resources to more renewable energy, such as wind, damshydro , and nuclear fusion, etc ."
5th para
"I feel that my country also needs to catch this waveembrace green energy in order to move onforward . To me, m y country is not a mere empty desert buttrather a goldmine for energy. Physics wise Geographically speaking, my countrySaudi Arabiais one of the most patches on earth that receives some of the most energy from the sun. With so little cloud cover, and so close to the equator with dry air and no water molecules to absorb heat , it is the perfect environment to produce solar energy. I n facts if Saudi Arabia plays its cards rightutilized its' full solar potential , we cancould produce 14TW of electricity on a daily basi s.This extraordinary amount of energy is more than enough to meet the entire world' s demand for energy. and with our geographical location it will be easier for us to distribute if we fined a way." -is this last sentence needed?
6th para
Oh ok umm here you seem to jump- you were on a whole "save the world" roll and now you're jumping to your childhood curiousity. I'll still edit it, but from this point you've really cut the flow of the essay. I see how you pull it all together in the end, but you need to find a transition into this next part. Perhaps you could say something like "but we need someone to make this happen; I believe that I have the potential to do it. Ever since I was a child..." or something along those lines. You just need a transition from save-the-world mode to talk-about-me mode.
"Ever since I was a little("little" is redundant) child I explored the world around me.I played with small bugs and insects,and I was most interested inloved learning how things worked and how these manmade objects helped benefit our lives. I was most interested in electronic devices; taking toys apart, and learning how they worked , which pulled me into the field of electronics and electrical engineering."
7th para
"My love for electrical engineering started when the internet first entered Saudi Arabia in 2001.andM y dad bought my older brother his first computer in 2005;since we do not have public libraries in many parts of Saudi Arabia , and we didn't have one in Jeddah (my hometown) , so I spent most of my time on the computer exploring the world from a screen.M y love for computers grew as I got olderdid, and I became more and more interested in how the hardware worked; later I harboured an interest in software as I began playing around with circuitry(circuitry is hardware, not software, so the mention of circuitry should be moved to the previous sentence if you want to keep it in) and programming microcontrollers;a nd I adored the idea of encryption." - the mention of encryption seems to just be thrown in there- try to work it in better (haha im not doing all the work myself)
8th para
Just as you needed a transition from the big picture to yourself earlier, you now need a transition back to the big picture so it flows into the conclusion, which deals with both. Something along the lines of "i hope to apply my love of electrical engineering in a way which will benefit the world"?
"My dream is to be the founder and CEO of the largest electrical(redundant- when you say energy, we all say "electrical!" =p) energy producing company, not just in my region, but inthroughout the world. Since my country has the potential, my goal is not just to help improve my country,b ut to improve energy production methods toand help the world as a whole."
This is a solid essay, you have good points and you touch upon your background in EE, your hopes for your future, and you display a view of the bigger picture- all of which are good things. Considering English isn't your first language, this was very well written and any corrections that I, or any others, make are just things that come with use of the language. Good luck.
this was my first time correcting someone else's work, you can see how my editing methods evolved as I went through. if anyone has any comments for me, I'd appreciate that as well so that I can better help others and write better myself.
