'it's electrifying' - Why I want to go to OSU

Throughout my life, I've watched our scarlet and gray flag on the front porch endure the scorching heat of the summer, countless rainstorms, and icy mid-winter blizzards. I've been a part of the magic of yelling "O-H" and complete strangers shouting "I-O". I've experienced how all of Columbus buzzes with OSU pride and hope of another win on game day.

There's an inexplicable connection that comes with being a part of this amazing university; it's electrifying. I've tasted it myself in a Buckeye Stadium hotdog at my first game. As the whole stadium bounced in scarlet and gray, I had a giant grin from ear to ear, bouncing along in my jersey, buckeye beads, and war paint. I knew, dripping ketchup from my hotdog and recklessly cheering with everyone else, that The Ohio State University is where I belong.

The idea of wanting to attend this university spread like wildfire through my mind. I became captivated with the endless possible opportunities that await me. My passion lies with the School of Medicine, but I want to expand my interests with a philosophy class or two and maybe explore a course on anthropology. I want to spend sunny afternoons sprawled out on the oval thinking about which club I want to try out next or which new place I'm going to try for dinner that night with my BuckID in hand.

This is more than just a consideration for me. I want to be an official part of it all because I'm an explorer, a city girl, a life-long fan, and hopefully a student at The Ohio State University.

Hi,
1. The first line has "watched our scarlet and gray flag". You might want to say "watched the OSU scarlet and gray flag" because you are still not part of OSU yet. You want to be one of them soon.

2. You can also change " I became captivated with the endless possible opportunities that await me" to " I am captivated with the endless possible opportunities that await me". It is a future tense that you want to part of.

Apart from these changes, your essay looks good.

Ok and thank you, I am being told that my focus is on the spirit of the fans/game but not the school and what it has to offer.

can I get as much feed back as possible?