Electronic Surgery - intellectually exciting concept (not the Stanford one)

I spent a long time trying to formulate this analogy ><. I hope it fits alright.

Describe an experience that you have had or a concept you have learned about that intellectually excites you.500 words)

My Electronic Surgery

Surgery is the way! When I received my first Gameboy, it became my closest companion, and I caressed every scratch I found. One day, in the middle of an intense Pokemon battle, the screen faded. Scared, I demanded my dad to revive it. As my dad dissected the body, I witnessed my first transplant of the heart that my dad called "batteries." Once he sealed the incision, I eagerly snatched my friend and switched it on, and to my utmost relief, it flickered to life! I was grateful for my dad's valiant salvation of my dying friend; he inspired me to become a hero like him and save electronic appliances and its users from devastation.

Boom!

Years later, in the distance, I heard an explosion and saw a fire flare from the asphalt road.

Zzyzx!

The neighborhood suddenly died; lights flickered out. Everything stood morbidly still. A power surge had occurred. For hours, darkness dragged on, and I grew restless. Why couldn't the electric company prevent this disaster? Why are the blowout-cleanups taking forever? No one could offer me answers; since that night, I have decided to take matters into my own hands.

I explored power and discovered the captivating magic of electricity. Its ability to deliver power over thousands of miles baffled my imagination; yet, it had its drawbacks: it often degraded the imperfect materials of the cable, causing power failure and costly explosions. Soon, I longed research ways to prevent such disasters. Fortunately, a Berkeley internship offered me a unique opportunity to investigate the underground vessels that fueled our homes with life.

There, I beheld the ugliest cable. Its skin was ravaged with nasty burns; its core was rotten with rust. It was hopelessly dead. However, I remembered my father's heroism and grew determined to study this cadaver for future good.

Surgery is the way! My mentor and I amputated the mutilated cables and hacked at the silicone skin until we reached the copper veins. We dissected every layer and scrutinized the plastic membranes and aluminum arteries. With multi-meter probes, we analyzed the conditions of each segment until we discovered the culprit of the bane of the cable: the cable suffered the lack of degradation detection.

We knew just the right remedy: sensors would detect cable corrosion and alert the people of impending disaster. Together, we investigated the versatility of electrical sensors and prescribed the dimensions and material of potential models. After weeks of rigorous experimentation and calculations, we formulated our final product: interdigitated copper capacitors. With these sensors, scientists can prevent annoying blackouts, and people will no longer drudge through power outages and prolonged periods of expensive explosion-cleanups.

Although have yet to achieve my father's glorious status, I had succeeded in my first surgical endeavor! My success is by no means final though; scientists will still have to manually replace cables. Can we go further and develop sensors that will repair degrading cables? I hope my research will inspire this search for the ultimate, flawless power system.

Well... if I left it out... actually, you are right. Now that I read it again, I feel that it is unnecessary. :)
Thanks!


Hmmm. I see. I'll use "body" to be a little clearer.


Well... I wanted something that meant "still as death" and morbidly fits fine here.


Right. I forgot to be more specific here.

Yeah. That was one mistake. I had an older version that had two sentences connected with the semicolon, and I ended up changing it to one sentence as shown. I just forgot to change the semicolon to a comma -.-


Actually, I have to disagree. Semicolon are generally used to connect two sentences fluidly where using an 'and' or another conjunction would seem cumbersome.

First, let me address this issue:

The fast rule of thumb, so to speak, with respect to the semi-colon is to use it very infrequently, if at all.

Actually, I have to disagree. Semicolon are generally used to connect two sentences fluidly where using an 'and' or another conjunction would seem cumbersome.

I know what you are saying, and for you, the semicolon is obviously a very powerful tool; however, most people do not understand how to use a semicolon and for them, the rule of thumb is to use it as infrequently as possible. It is obvious that you know how to use it, and for you, then, it is a useful tool in the English language (written).

Now, on to the essay.

It is much improved. It reads very smoothly and you have done a great job! I (personally) would not change anything at this point. However, you might want some people, such as Kevin to take a look at the essay as well.

Thanks,

Mark

Thanks for the compliments. I've changed a few things though because I felt that the ending paragraphs were a bit abrupt

You are quite right! They were abrupt. Your essay reads well, indeed. I would not change anything.

Mark

Ha ha... at first I thought it said Sugary is the way to go. You are going to get fat! Ha ha...

Okay, nevermind, I guess it is only funny to me since no one else is laughing.

I'll switch things around here after the intro:

Years later, in the distance, I heard an explosion and witnessed a fire flare from the asphalt road. Boom! Zzyzx...

Actually, I think you misspelled the sound of lights burning out. Webster's dictionary has it this way, with 4 z's:

Years later, in the distance, I heard an explosion and witnessed a fire flare from the asphalt road. Boom! Zzzzyzx. The neighborhood suddenly died; lights flickered out. Everything stood morbidly still. A power surge had occurred. For hours, darkness dragged ...

Soon, I longed research ways to prevent such disasters. What does this mean?

Soon, I longed for research studies that would prevent such disasters.
or...
Soon, I felt intense motivation to participate in research that would...

Fortunately, a Berkeley internship offered me a unique opportunity to investigate the underground vessels that fueled our homes with life.

As I read the rest of this, I think it is going to be very impressive to them. The best essays are the ones that prove something about your understanging and level of motivation. This is good stuff!

Wow. I had no idea that it was actually part of a dictionary. :) Thanks for the information.


Woops. A mistake on my part - I meant to say: "Soon, I longed to research ways of preventing such disasters."

I was just joking!!!!

The essay is pretty great. It seems "action packed," or something. It has some kind of good energy.

Oh - haha! I knew that :P

Thanks for the compliments. This is actually one of three essays (the other two are The Enigma of Success and It's Just a Matter of Time and Intelligence) that I'm using for a scholarship. I wanted to try different styles for each one instead of having all three sound the same.

Before I make this ready-to-go, do anyone else have any other suggestions for this essay? Thanks!

I haven't been on here in a while; I was busy compiling this one for CalTech

This is so brilliant! Your use of language is so accurate and APPROPRIATE to the subject matter it's unbelievable.What a great job! I really hope you get in.Are you also applying to MIT?If this doesn't get you into Caltech,I don't know what will.

All the best:)

Thanks for the compliments. Do you have any suggestions for the essay?
Does anyone else have any ideas as well?

Hey, wait a minute... the curiosity did not give way. It prevailed. Your self-restraint may have given way to your curiosity.


nice...

This enlightenment was undoubtedly the result of my surgery on my curiosity.
-- again, I don't know if curiosity is playing the appropriate role in this sentence.Your curiosity is the surgeon, maybe.

screw driver ---- one word screwdriver

I will scrutinize it and dissect it until I derive the gist of its magical existence.---- cool... cool surgery theme.

:-)