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"Embrace the Uncertainty" MY COMMON APP


kakari 2 / 27  
Dec 23, 2011   #1
Hi everyone!
I really need someone to review my essay. Because I'm a Japanese student, not from international school, I have no mentor to support my application process for colleges in America. So, I need your help here! I'd appreciate if you would give me any advice/criticism/impression. Specifically, do you think that my essay needs more detail? or is it too general?

Thank you so much!

"Embrace the Uncertainty"

Pouncing on coastal settlements like large breakers, a catastrophic tsunami swept buildings and people out to sea. After that, it remained nothing around the coastal village of Asahi, Chiba. The image is a poignant reminder of the void I experienced in my eighteen when I was seeing my future just as the darkness. The violent tsunami actually wrecked our precious town, but it also questioned my identity and eventually reconstructed it.

Every time I recall my high school days, I have a disruptive feeling that mixes complacence with nothingness. As a serious athlete, devoting most of my time to Track & Field, I'm confident that I have accomplished some feats in my athletic career. At the time, the world around me looked remarkably clear because I had a solid meaning of my life, in which I surely knew what I had to do : doing weight training every Wednesday, doing stretching exercise thirty minutes after taking a bath, having good foods that contain rich protein and carbohydrate within a week before games, and so on. I lived in a certainty, which enabled me to determine the value of anything based on whether it would contribute to my athletic success or not.

However, this calm moment began to disappear as my retirement season approached. By turns, something that had remained hidden behind a curtain suddenly revealed itself to me. I realized the end of an era, and that my life changed into quite ordinary yet really uncertain one. As a matter of fact, it had all been an illusion; that sense of certainty, which drove me in my high school days.

Nevertheless, by the time the earthquake happened, I still hadn't understood entirely what it meant for me to no longer be able to be an athlete who trusted eternal certainty. Afterward, I realized that it was the biggest part of myself that would never return, like the pastoral coastal village of Asahi which was destroyed by the tsunami. The empty districts attested that everything inevitably has its end, which can emerge in a matter of seconds with vanity. I was shocked to find the world insubstantial, and that struck me for a long time. Yet, I gradually changed my attitude toward the world as time went on. I have come to take every moments of life more carefully than ever because of its fragility. I have gotten to aspire to challenge myself and the world again because of its uncertainty.

I still cannot tell exactly what it was that I received as an eighteen years old witnessing the devastating disaster, but since then it has resided in my eyes. I can just express it as a sort of light. When I look into the mirror, I find my eyes now have a tremendous power within them, a force that is ready to accept the reality, even if it seems the darkness. In fact, still I cannot recall the vivid sight of the damaged coastal village of Asahi without fear, but now I know that I can explore the world to embrace something uncertain. "Traveling from one time to another and then disappearing without trace, yet making tiny attempts to chisel a mark in the flow of eternity to show our resistance. That's what we do in life."(548words)
Riddi 7 / 16  
Dec 23, 2011   #2
I liked your essay! there are some very strong lines in the essay that shapes our course of life and yes are inspiring!
" I have come to take every moments of life more carefully than ever because of its fragility. I have gotten to aspire to challenge myself and the world again because of its uncertainty. " Wonderful! Speaks a lot about who you have become now!
menukagrg 7 / 98  
Dec 23, 2011   #3
even if it seems the darkness- even if it seems to be the darkness
There weren't any major mistakes.I don't think there was any in fact. You write way better than those who have gone to international schools or just american students. Uber amazing essay. I don't think the essay needs more details. It depends on what the question is. You give a pretty nice background about yourself but does the question ask about your future. If if doesn't then this essay is perfect. Good luck.
OP kakari 2 / 27  
Dec 23, 2011   #4
Thank you very much, glad to hear that!!!! I'm happy that you liked my essay, especially my favorite lines!
OP kakari 2 / 27  
Dec 23, 2011   #5
Hi menukagrg!

Thank you for your superb comment! I'm relieved to hear that there are not any major mistakes... And you also gave me some strong opinions, which made me more confident and critical to my essay! I wanna contemplate it more. Thank you again!
OP kakari 2 / 27  
Dec 24, 2011   #6
Any other comments? Please give me your impression about my essay!
GraceTaylorWei 12 / 41  
Dec 24, 2011   #7
I realized the end of an era, and that my life changed into quite ordinary yet really uncertain one. As a matter of fact, it had all been an illusion; that sense of certainty, which drove me in my high school days.

Perhaps change it to: ... my life had changed into an ordinary yet unpredictable one... in fact, the sense of certainty that motivated me in my high school days had all been an illusion.

That might make the sentence flow better.

Other than that, I adore it! Good luck. You seem well-rounded.
mohamed459 9 / 27  
Dec 24, 2011   #8
Beautiful essay, but just some minor grammatical mistakes:

1) I have come to take every "moments" of life more carefully than ever because of its fragility
-- it should be "moment" i believe
2) Nevertheless, by the time the earthquake happened, I still hadn't understood entirely what it meant for me to no longer be "able to be" an athlete who trusted eternal certainty

-- I think you should delete "able to be"
3) In fact, "still I" cannot recall the vivid sight of the damaged coastal village of Asahi without fear, but now I know that I can explore the world to embrace something uncertain

-- "I still" would be a better way to word it

Also consider the revisions in the previous posts and try to revise it once more concerning grammar
As for content and layout I give u a 10/10, it is an extremely intresting and well-written essay. Good Luck with Admissions
OP kakari 2 / 27  
Dec 24, 2011   #9
THANK YOU GUYS!! Because I'm really week in grammar of English, your revision is totally helphul!!! And also, I cannot be happier to receive your compliment for my essay.. Thank you again! I'll make it better by revising again and again :)
priscillaaa 1 / 29  
Dec 24, 2011   #10
I have come to take every moments of life more carefully than ever because of its fragility. Perhaps rephrase this? "life's moments" or "every moment in life" instead? I have gotten to aspire to challenge myself and the world again because of its uncertainty. This is phrased awkwardly.. Perhaps "begun to aspire" instead? Or you may want to rephrase this sentence..

Besides that, another well-written essay (:
OP kakari 2 / 27  
Dec 26, 2011   #11
Hi priscilla!
Thank you for spending your time on reading and evaluating my essay! I'll correct the sentences, especially second one. I thought it might be improved, too. Thank you again!
OP kakari 2 / 27  
Dec 28, 2011   #12
"COMMON APP--JAPAN EARTHQUAKE"

I slightly revised my essay to more focus on a change of my perspective through a horrible event. I'd like to hear your opinion--which do you think is the better? Prior version or latter one? Deadline is approaching!! So, any comment is really helpful!! Thank you!! (Prior one can be seen by clicking my username and a link named ["Embrace the Uncertainty" MY COMMON APP])

"Embrace the Uncertainty"
EF_Susan - / 2,364 12  
Dec 28, 2011   #13
--only scattered debris and piled up woods told that once the village had actually existed there.

... stretching exercise thirty minutes after taking a bath, eating good foods rich in carbohydrates a week before games, and so on.

Of course, like every teens , I had often thought about college or my future career, but all in all, I had expected this moment to last as long as possible.

Nevertheless, by the time the earthquake occurred, I still had not understood entirely what it meant...

The devastated village of Asahi showed me that everything inevitably has its end with horrible emptiness, demonstrating that my serenity did come to end, too.

No wonder, going through such world meant wasteful for me, ---This sentence needs to be revised for clarity.

... but at the same time, I know that I can run to and fro across the world to embrace something uncertain. ---This is great writing!

I like this essay better, as it says so much more about you personally.

:)
OP kakari 2 / 27  
Dec 28, 2011   #14
It is oh so fast!! Thank you for your revision!


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