Hello! This is a version of my common app essay. I'm smoothing things out right now, but I'd like a little bit of feedback. I know the beginning needs some work, and in the conclusion I kind of go off on a tangent, haha. This is the Common App essay, so I don't have any character limit; I don't want to make it very much longer than this, and I'm having trouble being concise with how much information I want to include.
"911, what's your emergency?"
Hearing these words on the other end of the phone at three in the morning was terrifying. They told me that life as I knew it was never going to be the same again. It wasn't until the ambulance came that we realized that my mother had suffered from a stroke.
That day was without a doubt one of the scariest days of my life; up until that point, I had never witnessed anything so terrifying. Fortunately, my mother survived; but still I realized that her life, as well as my own, would change drastically.
My family is no stranger to hospitals. My mother has been diabetic since she was a young girl, and is both a kidney and a pancreas transplant recipient. My father, her kidney donor, must be very careful for the rest of his life. My younger sister, Gabriella, was born with a heart defect and has had orthopedic issues all her life. Although we have encountered more than our fair share of medical issues, each of us has learned to live with these difficulties and their potential complications on a daily basis.
At first, after her return from the hospital, my mother could barely walk, let alone work, drive, cook or clean. My father worked two jobs to make up for the loss of income. As the oldest child, I was forced to pick up the tasks that my mother could no longer carry out: I cooked dinner, washed our laundry, and helped my sister with her homework, as well as administer her daily medications. At the time I had only just received my driver's permit, but I was often charged with driving my mother to her doctor's appointments.
The first year after the stroke was difficult; I struggled to juggle my family duties with just being a teenager. Admittedly, I sometimes resented having these responsibilities; none of my friends had to worry about the things I did. They didn't have to watch their mothers struggle with everyday tasks; they certainly didn't have to tuck them into bed most nights. They could take spontaneous trips to the mall or movie theater without having to worry about whether their family would be able to function without them. They could spend their time however they pleased, while I often felt that my free time was hardly my own. I was jealous of them. I desperately wished for their sympathy, but on another level I never wanted them to know what I was going through. Part of me didn't want to burden others with my problems and feared whining about them, but a larger part of me was always just afraid to share. I was never one for direct confrontation, and I was hardly going to start now.
Fortunately, with the passage of time, I came to terms with what happened that night. I learned to appreciate the obstacles I have faced - and to be proud of whom I have become because of them. Looking back, I realize just how much the experience has taught me. When I entered high school I was rather shy and unsure of myself, but today I am a much more independent and mature person. I am confident in my ability to live independently and responsibly, and to take on any challenge I face.
Today, I only regret that I wasn't more open about my struggles. If I were to relive the experience, I would let others in rather than hide my thoughts. It would have been nice for someone to listen, and for me to have the chance to be honest about my feelings. Overall, the experience has taught me to appreciate what I have: a loving family who has the strength and determination to overcome adversity. Most people would prefer to forget their past, but how can we move on if we don't fully understand who we are? I've learned that it is okay to look beyond the past, but to first appreciate it. Be proud of the person that it made you. Aspire to embrace and accept your own past circumstances; only then can we move forward with confidence and fulfill our passions.
Thanks!
Great essay - it flows well, it shows wonderfully what kind of a person you are and how adversity has changed you but that you were able to overcome it. One thing though: it is very well-written but it is not particularly memorable. Try adding in some details - strong imagery, an allusion, a joke, and it'll help your essay really stand out, apart from already being an excellent piece or writing.
