Emerson Transfer Essay! If you were to write a story of your life, what would you title it and why?

Hello! I'm looking for lots of feedback on this essay for my Emerson College transfer application. I'm not much of a writer, which I'm sure is apparent, so I'd like feedback, anything from grammar to content. Thank you!

Essay question: If you were to write a story about your life, what would you title it and why? (100-200 words)

Nobody Knows Who I Am, and Neither Do I! Since I was old enough to understand the simple phrase "just be yourself." I've been trying to answer the question; well who am I? I've been through an absurd amount of phases. From when I all but convinced myself that I could become a pro tennis player, to that regrettable year in middle school where I layered my jet black, box-dyed hair and wore a fake lip ring because that was the "real me" and no one was going to tell me otherwise. The truth is, I still struggle with answering that question and I probably will for a long time. Sure, I've had experiences that have ultimately shaped my personality, and I know what I want and who I don't aspire to be, but I'm not ready to boil my whole identity down to a single phrase just yet. When I figure it out, I'll be more than happy to scream it from the mountaintops, but until then I've got a lot of self-exploration to do.

I like your story, especially the part about middle school. But I don't think that saying you don't know who you are will help your chances of acceptance in any way.

Instead of talking about how you don't know who you are, think about this quote by Shaw: "Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself." You don't have to explain your entire existence in one phrase, but maybe talking about how you are still a work in progress might be better than saying you don't know who you are. Don't try to figure out who you are. Create yourself in the image of the person you want to be. Maybe talking about how you're trying to become your best self might be a better way of approaching this essay.

I'd be more than happy to edit/ proofread/ rewrite if you decide you want to stick with this version or go a different route.

Good luck!

Thank you so much, I definitely see where you're coming from! So I reworked the essay and the title a bit, please let me know if it sounds better (or worse), I took your advice and wrote about the person I want to be so I'm hoping it comes across authentically. I do feel to add something before the last sentence so it flows better. Thoughts?

Nobody Knew Who I Was, and Neither Did I!. Since I was old enough to understand the simple phrase "just be yourself." I've been trying to answer the question; well who am I? I've been through an absurd amount of phases. From when I all but convinced myself that I could become a pro tennis player, to that regrettable year in middle school where I layered my jet black, box-dyed hair and wore a fake lip ring because that was the "real me" and no one was going to tell me otherwise. For years, I was preoccupied, tirelessly searching for the pieces of my personal identity I thought were missing and hiding behind temporary facades, but now it's clear that I'm responsible for creating the person I aspire to be. I will be tenacious, compassionate, and balanced. I am not someone who was meant to sit on my hands and watch everyone else seek out wonders, or swallow my words due to fear. I may not have known who I was then, but I most certainly know who I'm going to be.

It's super late for me now, but I just wanted to say I like your revision much better. It seems much more positive and passionate than your first draft, and more focused on the future rather than the past. I wonder if it might be helpful to include a sentence or two discussing how Emerson will help you to become the person you want to be?

Is "Nobody Knew Who I Was, and Neither Did I!" the title of your essay? I think it works as a title but not as well as your opening sentence. I like your opening (after the title), but I think the order might need to be reworked to make it more effective. Here are some options:


Who am I? Since I've been old enough to understand the simple phrase, "just be yourself," that's a question I've tried to answer.

Since I've been old enough to understand the simple phrase, "just be yourself," I've questioned who I am and what being myself meant.

Also, you don't need the comma after "for years."

Hi haleyaxelle, nice writing and choice of words. However, I think your whole writing is a bit too negative. Adding a positive or happy event could possibly balance out the negativity in your writing. Here are some grammar and sentence structure for your reference.


Nice hook you got there, it's very catchy, I like it!


If you want to keep your original sentence structure, remove well


I find this sentence awkward and not sure what you trying to say
You could try: From the beginning when I convinced myself...


This might be a run on sentence
You could try: ....; otherwise, no one was going to tell me.