Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you.
During the summer of 2006 my family and I flew to South Korea to visit my aunt Jung-Mi, or Emoh as I called her, and her family. The majority of our time there was spent grabbing great deals at Namdaemun, a traditional South Korean market, eating food from the street vendors, and visiting Cheong-gyeh-cheon stream. The month was also spent with frequent and unpleasant visits to the dreaded hospital and holistic practitioners. It was at the hospital that I discovered I had scoliosis that would have been considered severe if it wasn't corrected soon. My parents gave their consent to have it corrected. The surgery went without any major problems and I was moved from the intensive care unit to a regular ward a few days later. However, the recovery would require me to extend my stay even when released from the hospital; my family flew back home and left me in my Emoh's care.
That was when I began a drama queen. My cousins began to visit less often due to tantrums, but despite that Emoh still would ride the 45 minute bus ride from her house to the hospital everyday and buy me my favorite snacks. On days she didn't have things to do around the house, she would sleep at the hospital, prioritizing my comfort over hers.
Despite all this she still had time for everything else. She fulfilled her duties as the pastor's wife, as a mother of two kids, a babysitter, and unintentionally my mentor. I began to imitate her gentle demeanor, seeing how others preferred to spend time with her rather than cranky, immature teenagers. She radiated confidence, touting her maroon granny-square crocheted handbag she made herself even if others would call it tacky. Other people around me started being friendly, no longer turned off from the cry baby, whiney kid I was a few weeks ago. I'll be seeing her again in a few months from now. I hope I will be able to learn more through her.
I was going to submit this essay a few days ago but I couldn't get enough people to proof read. I feel like something is messing but I don't know what! Any constructive criticism would be appreciated!
It was at the hospital that I discovered I had scoliosis that was potentially severe if not corrected soon.
That was when I became a drama queen.
You should elaborate on your transformation more. You do a fine job of describing the qualities you admire in your aunt, but you don't really address your personal transformation much. You need to be the focus of the essay more. If you have enough words left, you can do so perfectly without having to detract from the description of your aunt.
