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Emory: why a good match "To Be the Best"


rawrfest 3 / 7  
Jan 11, 2010   #1
Many students decide to apply to Emory University based on our size, location, reputation, and yes, the weather. Besides these valid reasons as a possible college choice, why is Emory University a particularly good match for you?

Following along the news and recent financial crisis, I have gained an initially interest in finance. Piqued by its competitive environment and quantitative requirements, this interest grew. Eventually through my experiences and knowledge, I hope to help shape a financial system based on cooperation rather than avarice.

Expectedly, I was initially attracted to Emory because of Goizueta's reputation as an excellent business program. As I did more research, I learned of their small class sizes and the intimate relationships with professors. As a person who flourishes under a team environment, the close and nurturing community that Emory creates provides a great environment to pursue my studies.

In addition, through its emphasis on leadership, the education I would receive at Emory, prepares me as an innovator. Through events such as the UBSLC and BBA Leadership academy, Emory provides me with exposure to our world's current business heads and practitioners. Along with its workshops, I can develop my abilities and accumulate the skills necessary to help begin my dream. Emory gives me the experiences and knowledge for not only the technical aspects, but also the practical skills needed to establish myself at the top of my field

Emory is offers me a pathway to my dream. Through its rigorous and inclusive academics, it gives me the knowledge I need to excel in the technical areas. However, it also teaches me the skill set to stand out in my future career. Its leadership events and career-oriented clubs, give me the practical experience I need to do well outside of academia and in the work place. Emory does not only give me the skills I need, it teaches me to be the best.

Thanks for reading! I appreciate all your help!
ghostmay101 2 / 6  
Jan 12, 2010   #2
the education I would receive at Emory
the education i will receive at Emory
Emory is offers me a pathway to my dream.
Emory if offering me a pathway to my dream
However,
change it to another word
overall it is good except some grammatical problems, also, u should proofread some more times to get ur grammar right
it's a excellent essay which talks about u and the emory's influence
good luck~~~
christiek 6 / 65  
Jan 12, 2010   #3
Following along the news and recent financial crisis, I have gained an initially interest in finance.

-> Following WITH the news and recent financial crisis, I have gained an interest in finance.

this my interest grew.

As a person who flourishes under a team environment, the close and nurturing community that Emory creates provides a great environment to pursue my studies.

-> Nice point!

would prepare me as an innovator. prepares me as an innovator.

Emory is offers me a pathway to my dream.

it could give me gives me the knowledge

-> when you say "it gives me..." it means you already attend the school. You need to use future tense. I think words like "would, could, should" is called Mood verbs or something. Don't quote me on that though haha...

it teaches me to be the best.

-> I think you should end differently. Something less cliche..

GOOD LUCK :)
umulbaneen 4 / 27  
Jan 12, 2010   #4
Emory gives me the experiences and knowledge for not only the technical aspects, but also the practical skills needed to establish myself at the top of my field

change this into:
Emory will provide me with the experiences and knowledge that will not only hone my technical skills but also my practical skills that are needed to establish myself at the top of my field

also on a more general note
your essay is only about how emory's the best for you it doesnt have anything regarding why you are the best choice for emory

i have told other people and i will repeat it for you as well:
when they say why emory? think of it as why Duo Zhang?
parallel their qualities with that of yours to show you're the perfect match

goodluck
good try
damo 9 / 36  
Jan 13, 2010   #5
i dont think you should be saying "initially interest" perhaps an initial interest?

"this interest has grown" instead of this interest grew

the education I would receive at Emory, prepares me as an innovator. change this to
the excellent education I would receive at Emory, would prepare me as an innovator.

stay in the same tense the entire essay, parallelism is important to helping make the reading as fluid as possible

also read outloud multiple times, there are many petty gramatical issues that can be solved simply by reading outloud for instance, everytime you have a comma you should pause for a second and 2 seconds for other grammar. this will help you realize if you are missing or have an unneccary comma

i hope this has helped :]
please read my emory essay, I have a feeling I could use some critiquing as well


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