Following along the news and recent financial crisis, I have gained an initially interest in finance.
-> Following WITH the news and recent financial crisis, I have gained an interest in finance.
this my interest grew.
As a person who flourishes under a team environment, the close and nurturing community that Emory creates provides a great environment to pursue my studies.
-> Nice point!
would prepare me as an innovator. prepares me as an innovator.
Emory is offers me a pathway to my dream.
it could give me gives me the knowledge
-> when you say "it gives me..." it means you already attend the school. You need to use future tense. I think words like "would, could, should" is called Mood verbs or something. Don't quote me on that though haha...
it teaches me to be the best.
-> I think you should end differently. Something less cliche..
GOOD LUCK :)