emory essay (psychology field)

this is my final draft! please help me pick out any mistakes that i may have missed! thanks for your help!

The thirst for learning more and a chance to participate in a vast amount of extra curricular activities pushes me to seek out colleges and universities that will quench the thirst.

The field I want to pursue is psychology. The undergraduate program of social science at Emory is exactly what I need to quench my thirst. The commitment of the faculty and numerous research opportunities in the department of psychology contribute to the originality of the undergraduate program.

Not only does Emory have an undergraduate program that fits my needs, but it also has many unique organizations I would love to participate in. I have taken every initiative to perform service and leadership through my high school years. I wish to continue the same trend through my college education. Clearfield high school is the only school in Utah that has adopted Link Crew, an orientation organization for our sophomore class. I enjoy being part of that program and wish to participate in the Peer Assisted Leaders in my second year at Oxford. My appeal for Emory increased when I found out the Barkley Debate team is available. I hope to further my debate career through college and Barkley Debate is a sure way to accomplish my goal. It would be an honor to run for Executive Vice President for Oxford's Student Government Association. Doors of opportunities will be opened because of the undergraduate school of Oxford. Being a two year school will help me seek opportunities that are not accessible to students at other colleges.

In the Davis district of Utah, diversity is not very common. I am the only Muslim Palestinian in my high school. There are a slim amount of organizations I can participate in to find other individuals who hold onto the same beliefs I do. In this aspect Emory is the opposite of Utah. The diversity on campus itself will be a fresh change for me. Programs like M.O.R.E will help me make the transition from high school to college.

Emory has the best means to fulfill my dreams of studying social psychology. It has a well developed undergraduate program with faculty who care about their students. The unique organizations at Emory will allow me to keep a balance of education and enable me to participate in community service while finding others who share the same interests. That is why I choose Emory. It is the water that will quench my thirst.

"pushes me to seek out colleges and universities"
I think the phrasing's a little awkward here. Maybe use an alternate to "seek out"?

"Clearfield High School"
Don't forget to capitalize ;)

"Doors of opportunities will be opened because of the undergraduate school of Oxford"
Again, a little awkward in my opinion. Try something like 'Many doors will be opened because of Oxford's undergraduate school'

Overall not a bad essay. Personally I would use Gatorade instead of water for your last sentence just because I think water's too..plain.

Could you take a look at my Macalester supplements too? They're due in tomorrow as well ><
Best of luck to you with Emory! :)

How about we make this all one paragraph at the start, here:

The thirst for learning compels me to seek admission to an institution that offers the programs and resources that are exactly right for my field of interest : (what kind of) psychology. The undergraduate program of social science at Emory is exactly what I need to quench this thirst. The commitment of the faculty and numerous research opportunities in the department of psychology contribute to the originality of the undergraduate program.

The essay looks great, I just wanted to help with that part! Good suggestions from Priscilla.