Prompt: Share an experience through which you have gained respect for intellectual, social, or cultural differences. Comment on how your personal experiences and achievements would contribute to the diversity of the University.
She was drenched in pure black from head to toe. Her black hair draped her face as she sat quietly in the corner, fidgeting with her black pencil. In another words, she was what I assumed to be, an 'emo'. I have always generalized 'emos' as people who wear black because they are emotionally distressed.
My legs quivered as I nervously sat next to the girl. "Uh..Heey. I'm suppose to be your partner for today." Silence. She looked up with her eyes smudged with thick lines of black eyeliner. "Oh yeah. Hi, my name is Melissa." Her voice was warm and bright as she answered me back with the most gleaming smile. Woah. I did not see that coming. I sighed with relief. My fears dissipated, and I was moved by her friendly gesture toward me, that I didn't expect to receive. I was moved by her confidence to portray herself in an unconventional style. She did not try to fit in with the crowd, with COACH get bags and Abercrombie and Fitch sweaters. I have learned that the cover of the book does not you the points, but the character of each individual. I don't have to be molded to be accepted by the public. I can be myself with my personalities and interests.
My mysterious friend of mine became my companion, and tutor who taught me a valuable lesson to cast aside my prejudice that kept me from knowing her real character. When we detach ourselves from stereotypical views, our community will be strengthened and gain more respect for others as more members are able to participate. I believe that this allows intellectual and social exchange of ideas, and form relationships that can lead to mutual respect, as Melissa and I have. I hope to contribute to University of Michigan as I strive to respect and open up to meeting new people.
Good morning :)
In regards to mechanics, a few suggestions.
'emo'. should be "emo."
Make sure you are using double quotation marks (") instead of the single apostrophe mark (').
Avoid using contractions in formal academic writing; for instance, "didn't" should be "did not."
"I have learned that the cover of the book does not you the points..." This is awkward; what do you mean here?
"My mysterious friend of mine..." is repetitive; rewrite.
In regards to content, this is a great example to answer this prompt with. I especially like your conclusion.
Regards,
Gloria
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