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"an empty street with cars parked at the side" - looking out the window -williams


doyin1 8 / 18  
Dec 29, 2010   #1
pls help me proofread,edit,add,remove anything from my essay to make it better

Imagine looking through a window at any environment that is particularly significant to you. Reflect on the scene, paying close attention to the relation between what you are seeing and why it is meaningful to you. Please limit your statement to 300 words.

On a rainy day I sat by my window staring out and all I could see was an empty
street with cars parked at the side of the street, that is when I see a bird
trying to protect it family from the pouring rain outside. Then I begin dreaming
of what could be if I would end up happy and safe from all the wickedness of the
world I would pray. Trying hard to reach out but when I tried to speak out it
felt like no one could hear me. Wanted to belong here but something felt so
wrong so I prayed I could break away and go somewhere I could be happy. I will
do what it takes till I touch the sky and I will make a wish, take a chance,
make a change and breakaway out of the darkness and into the sun. But I will
never forget all the ones that I love; I will take the risk for them. Want to
feel the warm breeze sleep under a palm tree feel the rush of the ocean get
onboard a fast train, travel on a jet plane, far away I will one day I will and
I know it. Buildings with a hundred floors, swinging around revolving doors
maybe I do not know where they will take me but I have got to keep moving on. I
will spread my wings and I will learn how to fly though it will not be easy to
tell the people I love goodbye but I have to so I can find out what the world
holds for me. Although I know it will be tough and there will be disappointments
but I hope to get through it and make the best of my experience in life.

icewing96 1 / 1  
Dec 29, 2010   #2
The first and last couple of lines don't really correspond with the rest of the...essay. It has a poetic feeling, but it's like you're stuck in between prose and poetry.

ellipses would be nice. :)

- verb tenses
- On a rainy day I sat by my window staring out and all I could see was an empty
street with cars parked at the side of the street <-- a little awkward
- that is when I see a bird trying to protect it family from the pouring rain outside. <-- maybe instead of "protect", use "shield"

- I will do what it takes till I touch the sky and I will make a wish, take a chance, make a change and breakaway out of the darkness and into the sun. <-- poetic but not suited for the rest of the essay.

i think you want to connect your own feelings with the bird protecting its family from the wicked, harsh, cruel, pouring rain.
a little more connection with your own feelings to the bird would be nice.

overall, it's off to a good start. i think it would be great if it was poetry. :)
or...it's already poetry? xD

i hope that helped :)


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